Xmas Gifts During Lean Times Due To Divorce

[Anonymous]

Hi,

I am really feeling stressed more than usual as Xmas approaches. We are in the middle of getting divorced and I have never been so financially stressed with all the money going out for various things on top of an already not-cheap urban life. I do not by any means live extravagantly and would consider myself middle-ish class or lower.

My teen is a really great kid and the innocent victim of all the problems that come with divorce. I have very little money for any holiday gifting, etc and she is over the moon excited about the holidays and Christmas. It's breaking my heart and I'm just so sad and depressed. I've been keeping her away from all the facts and issues of the divorce both regarding my STBX and money issues.

On top of this she has outgrown her kid furniture and specifically her bed - and she truly needs a new one.

I'm of the opinion that this is the time of year you indulge and splurge for your kid (because in our case it never happens the rest of the year).

I have told the adult members of my family that I can do absolutely nothing as far as gifts so please don't get me anything.

I guess my question is...

Do you really have a talk with your kid about the fact that there is hardly going to be a Christmas this year, or do you do the best you can via spending savings and maybe a little on CCs? If so, what you you say?

When I add up Xmas Tree, new bed & bedding, reasonable gifts, nice groceries for holiday meals, etc., it could easily reach $800-1000. I'm already in a place where I can't cover the bills.

I feel so embarrassed to be so beaten down by this because it's not like me - I'm normally a very strong and resilient person. I guess I'm just asking how others in the same boat have dealt with this.

I would do anything for my kid and want NOTHING for myself (in life, not gifts). Damn, these are tough times...

[Anonymous]

OP here...

Just clarifying that I don't want gifts either - I meant I don't want anything beyond the basic needs in life and don't need any xmas gifts at all.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. This sounds really tough and it sounds like you are trying hard. But I would say this: If ever there is a time to get creative and to prove that Christmas fun is not about spending money, this is the year.

Pull yourself together!! Get excited about things that you and your teen can do to celebrate Christmas in new ways that don't cost money. Go online and research all of the great things going on in the DC area.

It doesn't cost anything or much to:

-- Try out a new cookie recipe together
-- Make a big deal out of going to see the National Christmas Tree and hear the singers
-- Going to Zoo Lights
-- Going to church together -- perhaps the beautiful Lessons and Carols at the National Cathedral?
-- Walking through Georgetown and picking a spot to stop for hot chocolate
-- Watch the old Christmas favorites on TV
-- ???

[Anonymous]

I was in the same spot (only the teen side). My mom explained things, and that year we got things we NEEDED for Christmas. A new cheap daybed ($100) jeans, socks, underwear ($50), pens & pencils, notebooks ($15) and lots of little toiletry samples in our stockings ($15). We cut down a Christmas tree in the woods. It was pretty scraggly, but we loved it. We had a small ham, biscuits, choc. chip cookies. We drove around to look at the Christmas lights on Christmas Eve, and on Christmas morning, we drove around giving tangerines to all the homeless people in DC. It put things in perspective pretty quickly.

[Anonymous]

I think you should go to Craigslist. I've gotten amazing furniture on Craigs for less than $200. Great, quality furniture. Much higher quality than you'd buy for $800. Just a thought. Furniture used to be made to much higher standards. Also, as a decorator, Craiglist is much more unique.

[Anonymous]

Happened to me when I was 14. I suggest you explain the budget to her, explain what types of things you want, and ask her for her input on prioritizing. I understood then and certainly now. Here's hoping for a better year.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing, unless she's sleeping in a toddler bed, she probably has not outgrown the bed. I slept in a twin bed my entire life until getting married at 30. It did not scar me. Might I suggest you buy new grown up bedding (BTW - twin bedding is cheaper so bonus for that) and not worry that she doesn't have a big girl bed.

Also, times are changing so maybe focus on establishing new traditions. How about attending a free or low cost concerts or events at a place of worship? What about volunteering to wrap gifts for fundraisers? What about getting each other a new ornament every year, which can be sentimental but not expensive? or a silly, low $ limit gift. Maybe offer it as a challenge, all gifts from Five Below. My dad is notoriously cheap - we get "extra points" for giving him re-gifts or gifts that cost little to nothing. For Christmas last year I shopped at the library used book sale. Maybe have a specific requirement that one gift be a "re-gift" - could be useful or funny.

Christmas breakfast of waffles with a choose your own topping selection. Our family tradition is Silver Diner Christmas eve dinner before Christmas eve service - that's not expensive and my kids really look forward to it. It started because I wanted to get to church early to get a parking spot and seat and now it's a favorite event. So you never know what will stick with them.

I am honest with my kids about finances, within age appropriate limits. The reality is that the holidays won't be what you are used to having and that's not all bad. Some of my favorite childhood memories are the things we did during the holidays, not the gifts I got. So don't focus on the monetary value, rather the sentimental value. You will get through it.

[Anonymous]

PP Here again - my mom always put useful stuff in our stockings but it was always fund to see what she came up with. My kids look forward to their new underwear and socks. My 6YO even reminded me what kind of socks he likes to be sure I got the right kind. I was shocked at how excited my 7YO got a bout his very own set of nail clippers last year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing, unless she's sleeping in a toddler bed, she probably has not outgrown the bed. I slept in a twin bed my entire life until getting married at 30. It did not scar me. Might I suggest you buy new grown up bedding (BTW - twin bedding is cheaper so bonus for that) and not worry that she doesn't have a big girl bed.

I agree with this.

I'd also check Freecycle. People are giving away fake Christmas trees, etc. You never know what you might see posted there.

[Anonymous]

I would hold off on the bed. Even if it's outgrown in the sense that she's getting long for it (e.g., it was one of those short ikea beds or something), it can wait a few months at least.

And I would talk to her. We had a rough time financially when I was that age and my parents basically gave me a budget for what they could afford and I chose what I wanted with that in mind. Don't think of it as disappointing her, think of it as part of growing up. At SOME point you stop getting a magical and instead get a practical christmas and it sounds like this is her yearz

[Anonymous]

I agree that she doesn't need anything bigger than a twin bed. College dorms use twin beds, so no use upgrading now only to have her downgrading to twin by necessity when she goes away to school.

[Anonymous]

My mom used to help us celebrate St. Nicholas day but doing something nice or helpful for someone. We decorated our neighbors Christmas tree one year, another year we dropped off a care package at a friend's house that was sick (soup and OJ) and another year we babysat while neighbor went out to do shopping.

I've continued to do this with my kids. I let them choose who we will do something for and then we brain storm what we will do. This year we chose an after school care teacher whose mother died this past year. We know where she lives so we dropped off a small bag with a few carefully chosen items. $10 Panera gift card (her favorite place), some oranges (she has told us she inherited her moms orange juice press) and a frame and a small devotional book about remembering loved ones. I think they also like the idea of doing something "secretly".

This was our third year of doing it and it has already become a favorite way to remind ourselves about the true meaning of the season.

[Anonymous]

OP, my mom was super into Christmas when I was a kid. She would save up and watch sales and we would have lots of presents. Many of them were things we needed-new coats, boots, pajamas, etc.-but there was always lots for us to open. Her excitement was infectious and we all got into it too.

Except for a couple of Christmases when there was job loss or financial stress in the family. We were very much middle class, probably on the lower end. I remember my mom sitting my sister and I down and telling us that money was tight and that Christmas was going to be very small to nonexistent. Neither of us was sad and we completely understood. Honestly, I think it was harder on my mom to tell us that than it was for us to hear it.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. I was the kid in your situation and our lean times lasted for several years. We always got small things we "needed" at Christmas (socks, PJs, toiletries) and 1 gift that we had put on our list. The main gift was never expensive and rarely was the hot toy or whatever that year. I'm sure my mom felt awful about not being able to give us everything we wanted, but we did (inexpensive) things as a family that made it a special time. And looking back, I don't feel that Christmas was lacking in any way.

As PPs said, your daughter is old enough to understand what is going on, so talk with her about it. And give some thought about establishing new traditions for the two of you. I also agree with PPs about the bed - I was in a twin bed until after I moved out of the dorms in college. Just upgrade the bedding.

[Anonymous]

OP here.... Thanks for the responses. They all make sense and I know in my heart it's the right thing to do, but it's going to be hard to have that talk.

You might be surprised to know that I'm the dad in this situation, I get the feeling most think I'm the mom.

What's been tough is that my kid sees financial wealth, or at least serious comfort, all around her. On top of that, her mom has helped her decide that her twin bed is no longer good enough. It's so hard raising kids these days - especially where we live (not DC) and because of their access to social media where everything looks so rosy.

We are starting new traditions including our own holiday party for friends and neighbors. I always like having people around at the holidays and getting the place ready fir that helps set the spirit.

I feel like I can pull this off without the new bed and bedding.

My stbx and I are planning a settlement negotiation after the holidays. Once I know where things stand and if I can keep the house, or if I'm forced to sell and move, I'll feel better about bigger purchases - or at least clearer.

Would you suggest I say something like "We just have to wait until things are closer to being settled. I'm not saying no - I'm just saying not right now"?

Thanks again for your input.