Am I overprotective?

[Anonymous]

My oldest son is 16, and I'm having an argument with his Dad (separated pending a divorce) over a friend of DS'.

My son is normally a smart, mature kid. decent grades, a set of good friends I've never disapproved of (before), and normally very well behaved, but obviously my marriage and our issues have affected him. We've tried to maintain a good relationship and made this transition as smooth as possible - me and my husband, while we have our issues, are separating of relatively good terms and fully intend for both of us to be in our kids' lives despite our differences.

Anyway, the problem is that recently DS has been hanging out with a kid ("John") who doesn't come from a very good family. They live a few blocks away, and are notorious for the problems their kids (especially their older son) cause around the neighborhood. A few weeks ago, a petition to ask them to move out of the neighborhood was even being circulated around our listserv. Many of the problems stem from "john's" older brother "Bob," who is a straight-up junkie who has never worked a single job in his life, spent the last ~ 20 years in and out of prison. "Bob" will go around breaking into cars, into houses, pretty much anywhere he can. When someone in the neighborhood wakes up to find their car broken int, or their back door busted open, we all know who did it, even if it will never be proven.

While "John" tends to be less destructive, his main crimes being smoking weed and being a lazy bum, I am justifiably worried about my son's new friendship with "John." Even if "John" isnt really a threat (in my eyes) right now, I have serious doubts about their parents' ability to raise kids (These are the same parents that will jump at any opportunity to defend "Bob") that don't turn out to be useless junkies.

I want to sit down with DS and pretty much tell him that being friends with "John" isn't an option, and try to help him express his feelings without forcing a friendship with a delinquent just to hurt us. My husband however thinks I'm being an ass and judgmental and should let DS choose his own friends with no strings attached.

This is really making this already difficult process harder, and raising serious doubts about whether I trust my soon-to-be-ex around my DS. I've already caught DS hanging out with "Bob" once (with "John" there), and found out that the last time "Bob" was on the run (After ditching a halfway house that was a condition of his parole), DS knew exactly where "Bob" was staying and didn't alert the police. That was `3 months ago and now "Bob" is back on the streets and I'm scared DS will continue down this path and eventually be introduced to weed/heroin/meth/whatever through "John." I don't think asking a 16 YO son of mine to not hang out with hoodlums is overprotective, we are his parents and untile he leaves our house it is our job to make the hard calls that he is not mature enough/experienced enough to make.

[Anonymous]

Wow. You are crazy. I mean, yes, you're being over protective. Except I'd call it being crazy.

Just get your son involved in a lot of structured things (sports, student gov't, whatever) and don't allow the John-Bob people in your home. That way your son simply won't have time for John since he's not on the soccer team.

[Anonymous]

Do not forbid DS from seeing John. You will only push him into John's arms (so to speak). He is dealing with the divorce by lashing out at you (and his Dad). Don't focus on John, focus on making good decisions. And these are the consequences of making bad decisions.

Get him into therapy. Keep him busy.

[Anonymous]

Divorce means you will lose control of your son at least half the time.

You are in the wrong here. You can't forbid a 16 year old to not have certain friends. You've screwed up his home life, and he's punishing you for it. It's all on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not forbid DS from seeing John. You will only push him into John's arms (so to speak). He is dealing with the divorce by lashing out at you (and his Dad). Don't focus on John, focus on making good decisions. And these are the consequences of making bad decisions.

Get him into therapy. Keep him busy.

The kid doesn't need THERAPY! No legitimate therapist would keep seeing him because "he has a naughty friend who smokes weed and comes from a family of law-breakers." Get real.

[Anonymous]

At what point will he magically be mature enough to decide who he has for friends? The day he turns 18? The day he graduates? The day he starts college?

Kids have to learn to make good choices, and part of the way they learn is through dealing with the consequences of bad choices. If you've taught him well til 16, he should be able to navigate for himself with a certain amount of oversight. You said that basically he's a good kid, which means that hanging out with "John" and "Bob" is probably rebellious behavior.

[Anonymous]

Petition for them to move?? Really?? Very bizarre. Did anyone really think this would work??

[Anonymous]

OP, you have your radar on and that's good. You know what's going on the neighborhood and I'd bet your soon to be ex doesn't (or knows and doesn't care, because he figures, he knew guys like Bob and John when he was a teenager and HE turned out just fine and dandy, right?). It's in your ex's interest to call you an ass (lovely guy) and make this an issue between you. I would worry that he would try to look like the cool dad by telling son that seeing John is just fine. Any chance that the ex might actually encourage this friendship just to get your goat and to be son's friend rather than his dad? Will you have primary custody of son? Does dad live in this same neighborhood, so if son is with dad, it's easy for son to spend time with John? You won't be able to control what son does while with dad, and if I were in your shoes I too would be concerned about that aspect of things--the idea that dad might undo whatever you do here.

I think the answer is a combination of a couple of replies above, minus the DCUM snarkiness. Don't make the friend "forbidden fruit" by calling him a delinquent or otherwise badmouthing him to your son. Do ensure your son has enough extracurricular activities that, between those and school, he does not have hanging-out time to see John or Bob. I think it's also legit, if you can do it without telegraphing just how worried you are, to ask your son calmly why he's begun seeing John when they weren't friendly before -- tell him you just genuinely want to know what he likes about John. And let son see you're really listening. It won't change how you feel, but it will show son that you are paying attention to him, while not stomping on his friendship. Then proceed to ensure he's busy. But will dad allow, or encourage, son to do his activities, schoolwork, job, whatever, when son's with dad? Or will that become "Oh, your mom makes you do all that but with me you can just hang out"--?

Regarding this family -- If everyone in the neighborhood knows Bob is behind break-ins etc., hasn't anyone talked with the local cops about this? Asked for more patrols, asked if a police community liaison officer can do anything like visit this family? Those things do happen, but maybe where you live the police just don't have time or resources to listen to those kinds of things. I know there are not substantiated complaints but if there have been repeated crimes that really should get the cops' attention. It's not a fantasy -- I know of cases where the local community policing officer did want to know about situations like this and would get extra patrols or do "We're just visiting the neighborhood to check everything's OK" trips to houses known to have troubled residents.....

[Anonymous]

Let me guess, you are white and Bob/John are black?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess, you are white and Bob/John are black?

I'm pretty sure black people do not have exclusive rights to being drug addicts and criminals.

[Anonymous]

I suggest reaching out to your son non-specifically asking him what you can do to help him and make the transition easier. Use it as an opportunity to shift into a more adult relationship. Don't bring up the kid. Just make sure he is ok, and reach out to him

[Anonymous]

you are nuts. but there is evidence that kids who hang out with other kids who do drugs are more likely to start. Maybe focus on your own child - and not trying to control the rest of the world. Look for ways that can contribute to your own child's choices - look at the evidence about they ways to talk to your kid about the harm of doing drugs and other activities (such as having a doctor talk to them, etc).

[Anonymous]

Why is she nuts/crazy? Should she not be concerned who her child is hanging out with? Newsflash to all you "cool" parents, kids can and do learn bad behavior from their friends. I would be worried as well, although, I would not forbid him from seeing him. Like others said, make sure his time is filled with other things. You are not crazy, just a protective mom as you should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Petition for them to move?? Really?? Very bizarre. Did anyone really think this would work??

THis is so weird, right? Who would do that?

[Anonymous]

Why is everyone calling you nuts? Maybe because they're opposed to divorce and giving you a hard time. Yes I would be concerned about my kid if his friends were doing drugs,or in an environment where drugs,are available and there is a lack of appropriate supervision or parenting. But all you can do is talk to him about your concerns. I dont know how you can forbid him from being in his friend's company.