Am I overprotective?

[Anonymous]

Not overprotective, I would be very concerned. I think, however, you can only express your concerns to your kid. I'd be direct, I'm worried you'll get pulled into some of "Bob's" problems. I know people suspect he did x and y. I'd hade for you and John to be around when the *$(% hit the fan. You might even consider trying to encourage John to hang at your house rather than with Bob. . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My oldest son is 16, and I'm having an argument with his Dad (separated pending a divorce) over a friend of DS'.

My son is normally a smart, mature kid. decent grades, a set of good friends I've never disapproved of (before), and normally very well behaved, but obviously my marriage and our issues have affected him. We've tried to maintain a good relationship and made this transition as smooth as possible - me and my husband, while we have our issues, are separating of relatively good terms and fully intend for both of us to be in our kids' lives despite our differences.

Anyway, the problem is that recently DS has been hanging out with a kid ("John") who doesn't come from a very good family. They live a few blocks away, and are notorious for the problems their kids (especially their older son) cause around the neighborhood. A few weeks ago, a petition to ask them to move out of the neighborhood was even being circulated around our listserv. Many of the problems stem from "john's" older brother "Bob," who is a straight-up junkie who has never worked a single job in his life, spent the last ~ 20 years in and out of prison. "Bob" will go around breaking into cars, into houses, pretty much anywhere he can. When someone in the neighborhood wakes up to find their car broken int, or their back door busted open, we all know who did it, even if it will never be proven.

While "John" tends to be less destructive, his main crimes being smoking weed and being a lazy bum, I am justifiably worried about my son's new friendship with "John." Even if "John" isnt really a threat (in my eyes) right now, I have serious doubts about their parents' ability to raise kids (These are the same parents that will jump at any opportunity to defend "Bob") that don't turn out to be useless junkies.

I want to sit down with DS and pretty much tell him that being friends with "John" isn't an option, and try to help him express his feelings without forcing a friendship with a delinquent just to hurt us. My husband however thinks I'm being an ass and judgmental and should let DS choose his own friends with no strings attached.

This is really making this already difficult process harder, and raising serious doubts about whether I trust my soon-to-be-ex around my DS. I've already caught DS hanging out with "Bob" once (with "John" there), and found out that the last time "Bob" was on the run (After ditching a halfway house that was a condition of his parole), DS knew exactly where "Bob" was staying and didn't alert the police. That was `3 months ago and now "Bob" is back on the streets and I'm scared DS will continue down this path and eventually be introduced to weed/heroin/meth/whatever through "John." I don't think asking a 16 YO son of mine to not hang out with hoodlums is overprotective, we are his parents and untile he leaves our house it is our job to make the hard calls that he is not mature enough/experienced enough to make.

You think he's hanging out with this guy to hurt "you?"

I think you are reading the entire situation wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone calling you nuts? Maybe because they're opposed to divorce and giving you a hard time. Yes I would be concerned about my kid if his friends were doing drugs,or in an environment where drugs,are available and there is a lack of appropriate supervision or parenting. But all you can do is talk to him about your concerns. I dont know how you can forbid him from being in his friend's company.

I agree that pps are being ridiculous, it's times like this when I suspect most people do not have children or their children are very young. Teens still need guidance.

I agree that having a heart to heart with her son is the best move. Getting into it with her ex or coming down hard on the son won't resolve anything.

I also understand OP's " hurting us" comment. Perhaps it was poorly worded, but her son is likely hurting over his parents divorce, and what seems like a less than friendly situation with ex. Teens often do things their parents wouldn't approve of to"get back" at them for something.

OP talk to your son about your concerns and why you have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone calling you nuts? Maybe because they're opposed to divorce and giving you a hard time. Yes I would be concerned about my kid if his friends were doing drugs,or in an environment where drugs,are available and there is a lack of appropriate supervision or parenting. But all you can do is talk to him about your concerns. I dont know how you can forbid him from being in his friend's company.

I agree that pps are being ridiculous, it's times like this when I suspect most people do not have children or their children are very young. Teens still need guidance.

I agree that having a heart to heart with her son is the best move. Getting into it with her ex or coming down hard on the son won't resolve anything.

I also understand OP's " hurting us" comment. Perhaps it was poorly worded, but her son is likely hurting over his parents divorce, and what seems like a less than friendly situation with ex. Teens often do things their parents wouldn't approve of to"get back" at them for something.

OP talk to your son about your concerns and why you have them.

Guidance, yes. Not control. Huge difference in your approach.

[Anonymous]

^ oh and she also has the right to be concerned about the behavior her ex allows in his home.
The teens we see in trouble in the evening news don't happen in a vacuum.

[Anonymous]

If you are home in the afternoons to subtly supervise, then I might do what a PP suggested and have John (the age appropriate one) visit in your house. I'd also have your son busy with activities if he likes that kind of thing. I'd also do the talking to your son about how she and Dad can help him, given the divorce. I'd do all those things.

And I would keep my eyes open, because if he starts trying stuff, or comes home with blood shot eyes, or late for curfew (which should be a really tight one at freakin' 16 years old, by the way) then you'll know about it and can act. Because at THAT point, I'd make sure he stopped hanging out with whomsoever he is drinking and drugging with. But he isn't doing that now, and might never.

he might like John because he plays some video game really well or something. John has a troubled brother, but it doesn't mean John is total trouble (yes, he's done some stuff, but he's not a druggie).

also, can you befriend John and see if you like him outside of his troubled brother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is she nuts/crazy? Should she not be concerned who her child is hanging out with? Newsflash to all you "cool" parents, kids can and do learn bad behavior from their friends. I would be worried as well, although, I would not forbid him from seeing him. Like others said, make sure his time is filled with other things. You are not crazy, just a protective mom as you should be.

well said

[Anonymous]

You are the company you keep.