to the hindus/buddhists here...

[Anonymous]

hi, lifelong hindu here. Lately, I'm having issues with what I focus on in my daily life (prayer, shlokas, puja, taking kids to bal vihar, telling them stories about Mahabharath/Ramayan) and actually applying the central tenants of Vedanta in my daily life in order to achieve contentment. Specifically, there are certain duties in my life that are definitely MY duties - and yet, they cause me grief/stress/anger/frustration - because the people who I am "serving" are ungrateful/unappreciative. But here is the thing - if I really did things the way I SHOULD do them as per Vedanta - working hard but having a level of detachment to the result of my work - I would not get upset/frustrated with other peoples' responses. I would just do things as my duty and be done with it. Not as an obligation, not as a martyr, not as a victim. But just as a regular person doing my regular job, without anger/malice - striving to do this 'job' to the best of my ability.

Anyone else struggle with this, and if you do, what helps?

Thanks much in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:hi, lifelong hindu here. Lately, I'm having issues with what I focus on in my daily life (prayer, shlokas, puja, taking kids to bal vihar, telling them stories about Mahabharath/Ramayan) and actually applying the central tenants of Vedanta in my daily life in order to achieve contentment. Specifically, there are certain duties in my life that are definitely MY duties - and yet, they cause me grief/stress/anger/frustration - because the people who I am "serving" are ungrateful/unappreciative. But here is the thing - if I really did things the way I SHOULD do them as per Vedanta - working hard but having a level of detachment to the result of my work - I would not get upset/frustrated with other peoples' responses. I would just do things as my duty and be done with it. Not as an obligation, not as a martyr, not as a victim. But just as a regular person doing my regular job, without anger/malice - striving to do this 'job' to the best of my ability.

Anyone else struggle with this, and if you do, what helps?

Thanks much in advance.

Meditation helps me. It helps me to focus on "why" I do things. By focusing on the light within, I realize I do things not because of appreciation from others or to glorify myself, but because my conscience/soul/inner truth/"whatever you want to call it" tells me that it is the right thing to do. The more I meditate, the more I can clearly hear my conscience tell me what is right. Then, whether I am appreciated or not does not matter, for the happiness of completing the task lies within.

[Anonymous]

Your value is not what you contribute to any one person or even a few persons, but the value you bring to the world as a whole. So don't focus on whether one or a few people are ungrateful/unappreciative, see that you are doing good that go beyond them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your value is not what you contribute to any one person or even a few persons, but the value you bring to the world as a whole. So don't focus on whether one or a few people are ungrateful/unappreciative, see that you are doing good that go beyond them.

OP here. I get that. The issue is that I am taking care of elderly parents-in-law who are disabled and clearly need our help (they have no one else), but who continue to verbally abuse me (this has gone on for years, I am just really trying to detach myself now). So the "good" I am doing, I am not unsure about. I don't think what I'm doing here has much to do with the world, per se. But I'm really trying to control my response. Any suggestions? Thanks for the suggestion on meditating, first pp, I think that is part of the key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your value is not what you contribute to any one person or even a few persons, but the value you bring to the world as a whole. So don't focus on whether one or a few people are ungrateful/unappreciative, see that you are doing good that go beyond them.

OP here. I get that. The issue is that I am taking care of elderly parents-in-law who are disabled and clearly need our help (they have no one else), but who continue to verbally abuse me (this has gone on for years, I am just really trying to detach myself now). So the "good" I am doing, I am not unsure about. I don't think what I'm doing here has much to do with the world, per se. But I'm really trying to control my response. Any suggestions? Thanks for the suggestion on meditating, first pp, I think that is part of the key.

Well, surely by you taking care of them, they are not bothering someone else. They are your burden now, not someone else's. There are also boundaries, hard lines that you don't allow to be broken. For example, I have issues with my in laws thinking they know better when it comes to health care for my kids. They would give medicine to them and claim that I am trying to kill my kids if I don't follow their way. I tell them very straight forwardly that if they want to see the grand children, they will not give food, drinks, or medicine that isn't first approved by me. Otherwise, the grand children will not be around. Your spouse has to back you up 100%, however. You cannot do this alone.

Verbal abuse is tough, no matter the cause. In laws in Asian cultures can be especially difficult to satisfy and deal with. My parents were very mean to my wife when we first got married, but we essentially cut all ties for 3 years until my parents finally came around. I don't particularly care if they saw the problem with their behavior, or they just finally decided to change just to appease us. In our case, I saw that nothing could have changed my parent's behavior except to strong-arm them into submission.

I know this doesn't help in your case, but the key things I would focus on: 1) believe that you are doing good and that what you are doing benefits others aside from your in-laws. The world is a better place because your in-laws are not out on the street or in a homeless shelter. 2) your spouse needs to provide you with 100% emotional support, you cannot handle this alone. 3) don't always be a push over, take positions of strength if needed.

[Anonymous]

Holy shit OP, are you and I the same person? I'm a Hindu-American woman (second-gen) and these are a lot of the things I'm struggling with.

I don't really have an answer, because I'm in the darkest pits of my struggle, but I find that meditation after puja helps a lot. I have bhakti, I'm a Durga bhakta, so I play her bhajans during my morning puja to her and I feel overwhelmed with devotional love. I chant her mantras and ask for her protection, guidance, and illumination. I remember that I was with Durga in other lifetimes, and that one day she will release me from the wheel of samsara.

After the puja, with the incense still going and the deepa still flickering, I go into meditation. These days I do meditation a little bit differently because I realize how much I have to detach from my ego-self, and this new meditation helps me a lot. Here's how it goes, I'll try my best to describe it.

First I go slowly into the meditation with pranayama. When I am completely still, I go through a complex visualization, or series of visualizations and thought-observations really, of detaching from [Name], the person I live as. For example say my name was Radha, then I go through these visualizations of detaching from Radha. I am not Radha, I am not Radha, I am not Radha. I can't really describe these visualizations because they come to me in flashes, and it's really a combination of visualizing, feeling, observing thoughts, and knowing. Eventually I am viewing Radha with detachment, although I am only able to keep myself in this state briefly. But in this state I feel disconnected from the human Radha, but connected to Divine Mother, Durga. I have this visceral realization that I am wearing a mask and that mask is Radha.

When I come out of the meditation, my feelings of agitation, worry, frustration and anger become muted. "Muted" does not mean they go away altogether, but I feel less affected by them, less connected to them. I feel more confident about how my worth and my value are independent from my actions and the responses of other people to those actions.

You may not pray to the Divine any of the deities, but I do, so this is how I approach it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:hi, lifelong hindu here. Lately, I'm having issues with what I focus on in my daily life (prayer, shlokas, puja, taking kids to bal vihar, telling them stories about Mahabharath/Ramayan) and actually applying the central tenants of Vedanta in my daily life in order to achieve contentment. Specifically, there are certain duties in my life that are definitely MY duties - and yet, they cause me grief/stress/anger/frustration - because the people who I am "serving" are ungrateful/unappreciative. But here is the thing - if I really did things the way I SHOULD do them as per Vedanta - working hard but having a level of detachment to the result of my work - I would not get upset/frustrated with other peoples' responses. I would just do things as my duty and be done with it. Not as an obligation, not as a martyr, not as a victim. But just as a regular person doing my regular job, without anger/malice - striving to do this 'job' to the best of my ability.

Anyone else struggle with this, and if you do, what helps?

Thanks much in advance.

OP I have a feeling you put up with "stuff" in the name of dharma, which is wrong. When you talk about fairness it applies to everyone, including yourself. You have a dharma to stay happy, not just keep others happy. No where does it say in Vedas, Puranas or Gita that you have to tolerate injustice in the slightest form. In fact it us quite the opposite. ( read Krishna's reasoning for war against Kauravas) if you are feeling insulted and/or under appreciated voice your concern with your husband and in laws . They have a duty towards your well being just as you have towards them. I don't see how you can fulfill your responsibilities, with conflicting emotions. Get to the bottom of what is causing it and either make peace or address it as an issue. And only take on as much work as you can complete well. Don't set unrealistic expectations for yourself or others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your value is not what you contribute to any one person or even a few persons, but the value you bring to the world as a whole. So don't focus on whether one or a few people are ungrateful/unappreciative, see that you are doing good that go beyond them.

OP here. I get that. The issue is that I am taking care of elderly parents-in-law who are disabled and clearly need our help (they have no one else), but who continue to verbally abuse me (this has gone on for years, I am just really trying to detach myself now). So the "good" I am doing, I am not unsure about. I don't think what I'm doing here has much to do with the world, per se. But I'm really trying to control my response. Any suggestions? Thanks for the suggestion on meditating, first pp, I think that is part of the key.

Meditation might be the best way.

Here is the key: As a human, the one thing you can always do is choose the way you react to something. You can choose to react to verbal abuse by feeling sad, getting angry, standing up for yourself, requesting help from your spouse, etc. The key is to choose the reaction, rather than letting an automatic reaction happen, as that automatic reaction may not be the one you really want to choose.

How to do that? When you meditate, on a mantra, image, or whatever, when your mind wanders, gently bring your mind back to whatever it is you are meditating on. This builds awareness of your mind, and what it is doing. The more you practice, the more you begin to experience this state of awareness, even in times you are not meditating. It is almost like a state of calm, where you exist in a "space" between something happening to you, and your reaction. Being in this space is what will allow you to choose the right way to react in any situation.