Feelings of regret for waiting too long to TTC, now dealing with infertility

[Anonymous]

Can anyone relate to feeling regret that you waited too long to TTC, and are now dealing with infertility? I am dealing with this now, but with secondary infertility. My story is that my husband and I got married at 28. For various reasons (that seemed valid at the time), including moving a lot, graduate school, and other reasons, we postponed starting to TTC until we were 35. Luckily, I got pregnant right away and had a healthy pregnancy and delivery. Now we have a beautiful toddler.

However, now we would love to have a second child, we are now TTC again, and it's been almost a year and no pregnancy. I have had the initial infertility workup and have been diagnosed with decreased ovarian reserve. My numbers are awful. Husband's sperm is fine, so no male factor issues at all.

It is very likely that due to my numbers that I will not be able to succeed with traditional IVF. It's looking like donor eggs or adoption may be my only chance at having a second child.

I'm feeling a lot of regret about not starting to TTC earlier with baby #1, if we had we would probably have two kids by now. I guess I assumed that we'd have no problems getting pregnant, given a very fertile family history, but now I am having difficulties getting pregnant with baby #2. If you have these feelings of regret about not starting sooner, how are you dealing with your feelings? I am seeing a therapist. But I just keep thinking to myself that I regret that we made the decision to put off TTC #1 for so long, when we could have gotten started in our early 30s. It would have been challenging, but not as challenging as dealing with secondary infertility, DOR and AMA.

[Anonymous]

That's totally understandable and I'm sure there are a lot of women who feel like this. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

I haven't been through the whole process yet, but I have elements of this fear. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and just started trying since I wasn't ready. I thought it'd happen fast but it's been a year and we are starting our infertility journey. I hope that I'm able to have a baby and if so, I could easily be in your shoes a few years from now. We could have started trying a couple years ago but i wanted to wait.... I don't have any advice other than to try to love the life we have, not long for something we don't. And that may be logical, but not always the most helpful feeling.

[Anonymous]

I'm 40 with DOR, primary infertility. But I am the primary wage earner, and I support my parents, and I only recently have a job that I can even relax enough to consider getting pregnant. (was pregnant earlier this year but miscarried.) So I have some regrets, but I can't actually point to a time when it would have worked out. Too many variables, too much financial risk. It is what it is. I'll probably do donor egg sometime this year.

[Anonymous]

Yes, and no, I am not coping well at all. I can't turn back time, so what's left is a few more decades of misery and regret. Unless fatal illness or an accident puts an end to it.

[Anonymous]

I had a similar situation, but was 36,37,38 when trying for #2. I have/had no detectable levels of AHM, but still was having regular periods. I think the fact that you had a baby two years ago is a very, very good sign.
RE told me that if I hadn't already had a live birth, he would recommend DE or adoption.
Ended up doing NCIVF which brings forward the "best" egg.
Might be worth a shot.
Don't beat yourself up about the past. It really does no good.

[Anonymous]

I started TTC at 25 and still don't have a kid 5 years later. Don't beat yourself up! You did what you thought was best at the time and you can't change the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, and no, I am not coping well at all. I can't turn back time, so what's left is a few more decades of misery and regret. Unless fatal illness or an accident puts an end to it.

Hugs, to OP, PP and me and everyone going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, and no, I am not coping well at all. I can't turn back time, so what's left is a few more decades of misery and regret. Unless fatal illness or an accident puts an end to it.

Sounds like you may have an underlying issue of depression. Please speak to someone.

[Anonymous]

OP, we are currently going through this in our journey for #2. Whenever I start to beat myself up for waiting so long, I just remind myself how incredibly grateful we are for the wonderful, healthy, amazing little boy that we DO have and the life we will be able to provide for him (as an only). I'm about to turn 35 and while I remain hopeful, I realize our fertility challenges are difficult and am slowly accepting that he may be our only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, and no, I am not coping well at all. I can't turn back time, so what's left is a few more decades of misery and regret. Unless fatal illness or an accident puts an end to it.

Sounds like you may have an underlying issue of depression. Please speak to someone.

I do, and this is the exact reason. I see no point is speaking about this, unless I feel compelled to provide a cautionary tale to the 30 somethings who just don't know better. Yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a similar situation, but was 36,37,38 when trying for #2. I have/had no detectable levels of AHM, but still was having regular periods. I think the fact that you had a baby two years ago is a very, very good sign.
RE told me that if I hadn't already had a live birth, he would recommend DE or adoption.
Ended up doing NCIVF which brings forward the "best" egg.
Might be worth a shot.
Don't beat yourself up about the past. It really does no good.

OP here. It's interesting, because the two REs I met with never mentioned anything about my previous successful pregnancy (that was just 2 years ago) having any positive impact on my current DOR situation. My AMH is in the undetectable range. My periods are normal and I use OPKs which show the egg symbol for 2-3 days. But my eggs must all be bad. How would NCIVF help with DOR if I haven't gotten pregnant on my own in almost a year? I understand that it can get around fertilization issues, but I'm confused how it could help with DOR besides that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, and no, I am not coping well at all. I can't turn back time, so what's left is a few more decades of misery and regret. Unless fatal illness or an accident puts an end to it.

Sounds like you may have an underlying issue of depression. Please speak to someone.

OP: I sympathize with secondary infertility as I am also going through this; however, you have a "beautiful toddler" and you owe it to that toddler to get help for your depression. Your child deserves an emotionally healthy Mom, not one who lives decades of misery and regret.

[Anonymous]

I'm PP and may have read this chain wrong. Maybe the person facing depression is not the OP and doesn't have a toddler. If that's the case, my comment can be ignored! Tough to keep posters straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm PP and may have read this chain wrong. Maybe the person facing depression is not the OP and doesn't have a toddler. If that's the case, my comment can be ignored! Tough to keep posters straight.

You are correct: I am not the OP. I do have a toddler though. He is the only thing in this world that keeps me afloat. I agree with everything you say. But regret hit me hard; I will need time to recover. If I recover. (FWIW, I'm on drugs.)

[Anonymous]

I'm just like you OP. Except I'm 39 and have no kids and am desperately trying. It doesn't seem that way and it doesn't diminish your pain now: I think you're lucky you have one. I got married last month to a wonderful man, after escaping an abusive prior marriage. I regret a bit not trying in my most fertile years but I also knew I needed the time to leave my ex, get myself healthy and strong before I could be able to give any future babies a good life.