Feelings of regret for waiting too long to TTC, now dealing with infertility

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a similar situation, but was 36,37,38 when trying for #2. I have/had no detectable levels of AHM, but still was having regular periods. I think the fact that you had a baby two years ago is a very, very good sign.
RE told me that if I hadn't already had a live birth, he would recommend DE or adoption.
Ended up doing NCIVF which brings forward the "best" egg.
Might be worth a shot.
Don't beat yourself up about the past. It really does no good.

OP here. It's interesting, because the two REs I met with never mentioned anything about my previous successful pregnancy (that was just 2 years ago) having any positive impact on my current DOR situation. My AMH is in the undetectable range. My periods are normal and I use OPKs which show the egg symbol for 2-3 days. But my eggs must all be bad. How would NCIVF help with DOR if I haven't gotten pregnant on my own in almost a year? I understand that it can get around fertilization issues, but I'm confused how it could help with DOR besides that.

AMH is quantity, not quality. Another RE told me that women can go for years in the undetectable range.

NCIVF can help because they actually get the egg and do ICSI to fertilize it and use assisted hatching if needed. I needed both. I'd do a consult with Dr DiMattina at Dominion to see what he says before you give up.

I found the hardest part of the process to be finding someone to watch my toddler for monitoring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just like you OP. Except I'm 39 and have no kids and am desperately trying. It doesn't seem that way and it doesn't diminish your pain now: I think you're lucky you have one. I got married last month to a wonderful man, after escaping an abusive prior marriage. I regret a bit not trying in my most fertile years but I also knew I needed the time to leave my ex, get myself healthy and strong before I could be able to give any future babies a good life.

This goes without saying. I don't thinkanyone here will disagree. It is huge, and a great solace. Still, this situation is painful, very painful.

Hugs and best wishes to you, PP!

[Anonymous]

I faced some regret as I put off TTC for about 2 years (from 31 to 33) when my husband very much wanted to try. Then when we started trying at 33, we had trouble.

Here's the thing. You don't know what you don't know. Most people won't have any trouble when they start trying. And I didn't want to be pregnant at 31. At all. I wasn't ready emotionally. And if I was most people, I'd have ended up pregnant at 31 and quite unhappy about it. So when I look back, I'm not sure I would have really done differently.

I wasn't ready at 31 and it was the right decision at the time not be pregnant AND it completely sucks that we struggled with infertility and it might have been easier if we started earlier. Both things can be true. You just do the best you can with the information you have at the time.

Good luck OP. Hope you find peace.

[Anonymous]

Op, please do a consult with another clinic asap. Your doctors aren't paying enough attention to the specifics of your case. I would suggest GW.
In the bigger picture, we need to push for early and regular AMH testing for women. We need women to more and better information. That way, they can make better informed choices and plans about building a family.

[Anonymous]

I went thru IVF 2 cycles to have our DS who was born when I was 36. It was a male factor so we knew we would always have to do IVF if we wanted more children. Then we did one round of IVF last year (I was 38) but the cycle was cancelled because I wasn't responding in the same way. Waited a year and a half and tried again last month and failed. Doctor said egg quality could contribute now to the infertility in addition to the pre-existing male factor. He prescribed CoQ10 and DHEA which I have been taking for about 6 months now.

Then recently I found this book so I thought I would share this to everyone on this thread. This book is an eye opener AND gives us hopes to have a child (or more children).

http://www.amazon.com/Starts-Egg-Pregnant-Naturally-Miscarriage/dp/0991126904/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1450121157&sr=8-1&keywords=it+starts+with+the+egg

I am learning that the CoQ10 and DHEA that I was taking were not up to potency but had started to show positive impacts on my egg quality and that was probably why my last IVF, I was able to get 2 embryos (one of them was a blastocyst) even though they did not implant, the cycle did show improvements from my previous one where it was completely cancelled (1.5 year later -->older me, older eggs, etc).

[Anonymous]

i have felt a lot of disappointment, but not really regret/blame. its hard to play the 'if only i had..." game because you only see the potential good outcomes but not the potential bad ones. i met my husband later, (at age 34) and i'm glad i didn't have children with anyone else. if i hadn't 'waited' until we met, i would have really missed out. i know that's not the case with OP, but perhaps you and your child having had a lot of bonding time together early on has strengthened your relationship with him and with your spouse. Also, i've had a lot of opportunities that my friends who had kids early on didn't experience: getting higher education, moving to a city i love, getting better career options, international travel, plus spending more time bonding with my niece. some of my friends say they wish they had taken more time before starting so they'd be more financially secure now...so its a catch 22, frankly. when i feel so down about it i try to focus on what i DO have, an awesome partner, a great life, a close extended family. that's a lot more than many people have. i know it can be small comfort in the face of unexpected disappointment, but its comfort nonetheless. all that said, i do tell my friends in their 30's to be aware of the good possibility of a fertility struggle that could be coming, because i think the hardest part is being unpleasantly surprised by that-i certainly never thought it would happen to me, especially after the slew of unhelpful articles about how women were overreacting and could wait well into their thirties. good luck to you on all your life's journeys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, please do a consult with another clinic asap. Your doctors aren't paying enough attention to the specifics of your case. I would suggest GW.
In the bigger picture, we need to push for early and regular AMH testing for women. We need women to more and better information. That way, they can make better informed choices and plans about building a family.

+1. I had no clue. I struggled for 2 years. I never told my friends. They are all in their early 30s now and aren't worried at all. They point to all the 40-50 year old women having kids. They just don't yet know the heartbreak or the expense of infertility treatments.

[Anonymous]

The fact is that chances are very high that women in their early and mid 30s (and often late 30s) will have no trouble having kids. I'm a PP who had trouble at 33. I think sounding the alarm bell for all women in this age group isn't the right answer either. It's fear-based decision making.

All you can do is try to have kids when you're in a position to do so and that is an incredibly personal decision. One would only look back and regret this decision if you're in the unfortunate minority that have issues.

[Anonymous]

there are moments when I wish I could talk to my younger self. But we make the decisions we make and it makes us who we are.
At this point OP, be gentle on yourself. The fertility journey is not an easy one. And it is incredibly expensive. It is also humbling. We don't have the control we thought we did.

I agree with the PP about the book "It starts with the egg." Her advice applies to men too. My husband has very low sperm count (not non-existent but severe).
His approach is to trust our RE and trust the process. He is taking it all in stride. I think there is wisdom in that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact is that chances are very high that women in their early and mid 30s (and often late 30s) will have no trouble having kids. I'm a PP who had trouble at 33. I think sounding the alarm bell for all women in this age group isn't the right answer either. It's fear-based decision making.

All you can do is try to have kids when you're in a position to do so and that is an incredibly personal decision. One would only look back and regret this decision if you're in the unfortunate minority that have issues.

I think the alarm bell should be sounded. More blood work testing for AMH levels and such would be great and should be given to women at 30+. Just so they can make their own informed decisions. I met DH at 21 and married at 25. We waited thinking we'd have more money and maybe even maternity leave by the time we had kids. Little did we know we'd blow all the money on ART and we still wouldn't have maternity leave. Women have no clue about their fertility or about how many people are actually doing ART. All they hear about are friends that got pregnant the first time they tried at 37.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact is that chances are very high that women in their early and mid 30s (and often late 30s) will have no trouble having kids. I'm a PP who had trouble at 33. I think sounding the alarm bell for all women in this age group isn't the right answer either. It's fear-based decision making.

All you can do is try to have kids when you're in a position to do so and that is an incredibly personal decision. One would only look back and regret this decision if you're in the unfortunate minority that have issues.

I think the alarm bell should be sounded. More blood work testing for AMH levels and such would be great and should be given to women at 30+. Just so they can make their own informed decisions. I met DH at 21 and married at 25. We waited thinking we'd have more money and maybe even maternity leave by the time we had kids. Little did we know we'd blow all the money on ART and we still wouldn't have maternity leave. Women have no clue about their fertility or about how many people are actually doing ART. All they hear about are friends that got pregnant the first time they tried at 37.

Do you know how much that would cost the healthcare system (and therefore, all of us who pay premiums to be insured) if all women 30+ were given blood work at annual OB visits for AMH levels? To catch a minority of people who might want to have kids late in life and will have trouble?

Any 37 year old who thinks all 37 year olds get pregnant no problem is not paying attention to a lot of mainstream media talking about the potential difficulties of waiting until late 30s or 40s and has never had even a basic conversation with an OB or googled the topic and read for 5 minutes. This is not an under discussed topic. I also think most 30 to 34 year olds don't need to be panicking and having their AMH levels tested.

Regardless, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact is that chances are very high that women in their early and mid 30s (and often late 30s) will have no trouble having kids. I'm a PP who had trouble at 33. I think sounding the alarm bell for all women in this age group isn't the right answer either. It's fear-based decision making.

All you can do is try to have kids when you're in a position to do so and that is an incredibly personal decision. One would only look back and regret this decision if you're in the unfortunate minority that have issues.

I think the alarm bell should be sounded. More blood work testing for AMH levels and such would be great and should be given to women at 30+. Just so they can make their own informed decisions. I met DH at 21 and married at 25. We waited thinking we'd have more money and maybe even maternity leave by the time we had kids. Little did we know we'd blow all the money on ART and we still wouldn't have maternity leave. Women have no clue about their fertility or about how many people are actually doing ART. All they hear about are friends that got pregnant the first time they tried at 37.

Do you know how much that would cost the healthcare system (and therefore, all of us who pay premiums to be insured) if all women 30+ were given blood work at annual OB visits for AMH levels? To catch a minority of people who might want to have kids late in life and will have trouble?

Any 37 year old who thinks all 37 year olds get pregnant no problem is not paying attention to a lot of mainstream media talking about the potential difficulties of waiting until late 30s or 40s and has never had even a basic conversation with an OB or googled the topic and read for 5 minutes. This is not an under discussed topic. I also think most 30 to 34 year olds don't need to be panicking and having their AMH levels tested.

Regardless, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

PP here. Don't you get your bloodwork done yearly? My insurance already does this and I can't imagine it's that much more to test for AMH. Regardless, I paid for my bloodwork out of pocket and it was about $75 but that included a full work up and STD panel so the RE would accept me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact is that chances are very high that women in their early and mid 30s (and often late 30s) will have no trouble having kids. I'm a PP who had trouble at 33. I think sounding the alarm bell for all women in this age group isn't the right answer either. It's fear-based decision making.

All you can do is try to have kids when you're in a position to do so and that is an incredibly personal decision. One would only look back and regret this decision if you're in the unfortunate minority that have issues.

I think the alarm bell should be sounded. More blood work testing for AMH levels and such would be great and should be given to women at 30+. Just so they can make their own informed decisions. I met DH at 21 and married at 25. We waited thinking we'd have more money and maybe even maternity leave by the time we had kids. Little did we know we'd blow all the money on ART and we still wouldn't have maternity leave. Women have no clue about their fertility or about how many people are actually doing ART. All they hear about are friends that got pregnant the first time they tried at 37.

Do you know how much that would cost the healthcare system (and therefore, all of us who pay premiums to be insured) if all women 30+ were given blood work at annual OB visits for AMH levels? To catch a minority of people who might want to have kids late in life and will have trouble?

Any 37 year old who thinks all 37 year olds get pregnant no problem is not paying attention to a lot of mainstream media talking about the potential difficulties of waiting until late 30s or 40s and has never had even a basic conversation with an OB or googled the topic and read for 5 minutes. This is not an under discussed topic. I also think most 30 to 34 year olds don't need to be panicking and having their AMH levels tested.

Regardless, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

PP here. Don't you get your bloodwork done yearly? My insurance already does this and I can't imagine it's that much more to test for AMH. Regardless, I paid for my bloodwork out of pocket and it was about $75 but that included a full work up and STD panel so the RE would accept me.

No, I never got yearly blood work as part of a standard OB visit when I was 30. I got a pap smear and physical exam. That's it. I'm now in my 40s and I still don't get annual blood work. A yearly physical (with blood work) isn't even recommended by my doctor under 50.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had known that I had PCOS before I started TTC. My OB advised me to get the genetic prescreen and said that because I was under 35 and a vegetarian, I would be unlikely to have any issues.

[Anonymous]

I am 35 and have been TTC for three years. Maybe it would have been easier when I was younger, maybe not. But I am glad that I will be dealing with this for what, 10 years max, instead of 15 or 20. Whatever the outcome.

Also I like to think about the good things about having waited -- being in a better place mentally, having more money, a better perspective. I see friends who conceived easily at young ages take so much about their kids for granted. I know that, if it happens, I am going to be a great mom having gone through this.