Feelings of regret for waiting too long to TTC, now dealing with infertility

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a similar situation, but was 36,37,38 when trying for #2. I have/had no detectable levels of AHM, but still was having regular periods. I think the fact that you had a baby two years ago is a very, very good sign.
RE told me that if I hadn't already had a live birth, he would recommend DE or adoption.
Ended up doing NCIVF which brings forward the "best" egg.
Might be worth a shot.
Don't beat yourself up about the past. It really does no good.

OP here. It's interesting, because the two REs I met with never mentioned anything about my previous successful pregnancy (that was just 2 years ago) having any positive impact on my current DOR situation. My AMH is in the undetectable range. My periods are normal and I use OPKs which show the egg symbol for 2-3 days. But my eggs must all be bad. How would NCIVF help with DOR if I haven't gotten pregnant on my own in almost a year? I understand that it can get around fertilization issues, but I'm confused how it could help with DOR besides that.

Your eggs will not be ALL bad. 2 years is not very long ago. Would you be willing to give NCIVF a shot? Maybe up to three times? I probably would, because you can always still do donor egg later, if you have no male issues.
A previous pregnancy and birth is a huge success in the books, so shouldn't be discounted.

[Anonymous]

Oh, OP. I could've written your post, except that I'm TTC #2 at 37. I just wasn't ready until my DC was 2, for a variety of reasons. On most days, I start to question whether we waited too long to try for #2. What has helped me is writing all of my feelings down so that they're not swirling in my head constantly. I also had to force myself to answer the "what-if" questions and once I finally did, I felt better. What if I can't have another baby? What if my child never has a sibling? what if...? It forced me to put things in perspective and appreciate what I do have, and I try to remember this when my mind starts to go down that dark path again. I'm still sad at possibly not having another child, of course, but I can't change the past. And while it's hard to see pregnant women (I swear they are everywhere!) and tiny babies, I remind myself that that woman may have gone through a lot for that pregnancy or child, and it helps me to feel less jealous. GL on your journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, and no, I am not coping well at all. I can't turn back time, so what's left is a few more decades of misery and regret. Unless fatal illness or an accident puts an end to it.

Or...you could foster kids, or adopt children who really need you to love them. Please think about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone relate to feeling regret that you waited too long to TTC, and are now dealing with infertility? I am dealing with this now, but with secondary infertility. My story is that my husband and I got married at 28. For various reasons (that seemed valid at the time), including moving a lot, graduate school, and other reasons, we postponed starting to TTC until we were 35. Luckily, I got pregnant right away and had a healthy pregnancy and delivery. Now we have a beautiful toddler.

However, now we would love to have a second child, we are now TTC again, and it's been almost a year and no pregnancy. I have had the initial infertility workup and have been diagnosed with decreased ovarian reserve. My numbers are awful. Husband's sperm is fine, so no male factor issues at all.

It is very likely that due to my numbers that I will not be able to succeed with traditional IVF. It's looking like donor eggs or adoption may be my only chance at having a second child.

I'm feeling a lot of regret about not starting to TTC earlier with baby #1, if we had we would probably have two kids by now. I guess I assumed that we'd have no problems getting pregnant, given a very fertile family history, but now I am having difficulties getting pregnant with baby #2. If you have these feelings of regret about not starting sooner, how are you dealing with your feelings? I am seeing a therapist. But I just keep thinking to myself that I regret that we made the decision to put off TTC #1 for so long, when we could have gotten started in our early 30s. It would have been challenging, but not as challenging as dealing with secondary infertility, DOR and AMA.

i regret not having started earlier. i am extremely lucky in that i managed to have 2 beautiful kids, the younger one at age 41 after 3 failed IVF cycles. i would like a third, but it's too late, and it's too late because i started too late, and for no good reason at all. basically, i was consumed by my career and interests and kind of forgot about it. a day doesn't pass by without me reflecting on the incredible luck i had despite my enormous foolishness.

[Anonymous]

I know how you feel OP. My DH and I did not get married until we were 33. I didn't think that it would be a problem, so we waited until we were 38 to TTC for various personal and career reasons. I got pregnant with my beautiful DD within the first few months of trying, so I thought that I was some fertility dynamo. Wrong! My fertility just disappeared after that. We started trying for #2 when DD was only 6 months old, and I got pregnant again right away at age 39, but had a miscarriage. We saw an RE and he said that I had the egg reserve of someone in their 20s and that my numbers were all normal. We did three failed rounds of IUI (we have no insurance coverage or extra money for IVF). I got pregnant 18 months later naturally at age 41 and got a great heartbeat at the ultrasound, but this pregnancy ended in miscarriage too (trisomy 13). A few months later, I had a chemical pregnancy. That was 2 years ago, and I have had nothing since, my period comes like clockwork every month (got it again today -- yay!). I am now 43 and I regret not trying sooner. I noticed that all of the "smart" people who got married in their mid-30s like us started to try right away and they were all able to have 2,3, or 4 kids during a short window. Many of my friends have had kids in their 40s. I guess I never thought that I would only be given 5 years to have all of the children I was ever going to have. But then I think that if we would have started earlier, we may not have gotten the wonderful crazy combination of genes that came together to produce my DD. I just feel like such a failure that I can't give her a sibling and I hope that she doesn't resent me for it someday. All of the kids in her preschool class have siblings and I get questions all the time about "Is she your only one?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, and no, I am not coping well at all. I can't turn back time, so what's left is a few more decades of misery and regret. Unless fatal illness or an accident puts an end to it.

Or...you could foster kids, or adopt children who really need you to love them. Please think about it.

Oh, c'mon. Not the poster who's full of misery and regret, but this is just ridiculous. There isn't some store you can just swing by to pick up unwanted children.

It is hard, hard work fostering children -- and not everyone is up to the challenge.

And adoption has its own issues, including that there aren't really that many children out there to adopt.

[Anonymous]

You made the best decision you could have made back then.

If you didn't make all the decisions you made then, you wouldn't have your child now. You might not have ANY children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know how you feel OP. My DH and I did not get married until we were 33. I didn't think that it would be a problem, so we waited until we were 38 to TTC for various personal and career reasons. I got pregnant with my beautiful DD within the first few months of trying, so I thought that I was some fertility dynamo. Wrong! My fertility just disappeared after that. We started trying for #2 when DD was only 6 months old, and I got pregnant again right away at age 39, but had a miscarriage. We saw an RE and he said that I had the egg reserve of someone in their 20s and that my numbers were all normal. We did three failed rounds of IUI (we have no insurance coverage or extra money for IVF). I got pregnant 18 months later naturally at age 41 and got a great heartbeat at the ultrasound, but this pregnancy ended in miscarriage too (trisomy 13). A few months later, I had a chemical pregnancy. That was 2 years ago, and I have had nothing since, my period comes like clockwork every month (got it again today -- yay!). I am now 43 and I regret not trying sooner. I noticed that all of the "smart" people who got married in their mid-30s like us started to try right away and they were all able to have 2,3, or 4 kids during a short window. Many of my friends have had kids in their 40s. I guess I never thought that I would only be given 5 years to have all of the children I was ever going to have. But then I think that if we would have started earlier, we may not have gotten the wonderful crazy combination of genes that came together to produce my DD. I just feel like such a failure that I can't give her a sibling and I hope that she doesn't resent me for it someday. All of the kids in her preschool class have siblings and I get questions all the time about "Is she your only one?"

I have similar feelings of regret, though I didn't marry 'till I was 40. It may help to remind yourself that a sibling is no guarantee of a best friend or lifelong companion. Competition for parental attention and resources can be traumatic, and sometimes siblings hurt each other more than help each other. Your child may not have a sibling and there is loss there, but an only child has some advantages that children who share parental resources don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, please do a consult with another clinic asap. Your doctors aren't paying enough attention to the specifics of your case. I would suggest GW.
In the bigger picture, we need to push for early and regular AMH testing for women. We need women to more and better information. That way, they can make better informed choices and plans about building a family.

+1. I had no clue. I struggled for 2 years. I never told my friends. They are all in their early 30s now and aren't worried at all. They point to all the 40-50 year old women having kids. They just don't yet know the heartbreak or the expense of infertility treatments.

Agree with this. I keep seeing articles about how great it is that there are so many treatment options available that allow women to first build their careers and then have kids...clearly written by people who haven't been through any of them! I completely understand the multitude of reasons that people wait to have kids (I got married a bit later and had some career issues etc), but I also have a sister and SIL who both went through many years of IF. I think that firsthand knowledge caused us to try before we were "ready" and then learn early on (age 32) that we had IF issues. It still took us several years and many, many rounds of IVF to conceive, but if I had believed all of the people pointing to how many people get easily pregnant in their late 30s and 40s I don't know if we ever would have.

[Anonymous]

And I remember reading lots of articles ten years ago about ticking clocks and not waiting, and I still thought I would be cool starting TTC at 32. Wrong!

I beat myself up for it all the time, but I know that's dumb. As a PP said, we all did the best we could with the info we had at the time.

[Anonymous]

Regret for not seriously starting TTC until past 35. Only then to find out we have MF. NO chance at all to conceive naturally (no wonder why I never got pregnant for 6 years!!!). I kill myself for that wasted 6 years!! I was able to conceive first child from very first IVF, but had I known abt MF sooner when I was a whole lot younger, we could have had siblings, more kids, etc. I still long for the sibling for our DS.

[Anonymous]

Please, everyone, STOP BEATING YOURSELVES UP!

You can't change the past. It is a waste of time to regret choices you made in the past, with the limited information of the past. It is also really really mentally unproductive to live in that past mindset. We can only move forward with the information we have now, living our lives to the fullest with what we have now. Not with what we might have had, or should have had, or wanted to have. What we have now, in this moment. Now.

Stop being so hard on yourselves, please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You made the best decision you could have made back then.

If you didn't make all the decisions you made then, you wouldn't have your child now. You might not have ANY children.

Exactly, I was in OP's same shoes--except I did not get pregnant when I started trying at 35. Multiple health issues diagnosed, and I went thru an early, unexpected menopause. So, now, I have no children.

[Anonymous]

And yes, I just saw the advice of the PP not to beat myself up also. It's just so hard when you are so miserable.

[Anonymous]

We started TTC at 31 and thought it would be easy. I beat myself up for a long time when we still didn't have a baby at 37. However, we now have two beautiful DE kids. If you really want another baby, consider DE. It can be a wonderful thing.