Where do I start for sefl improvement for my family?

[Anonymous]

14 years ago we moved 2500 miles from family for DH to start a new job. We bought a house in a family friendly neighborhood. 13 and 10 years ago our DDs were born. We made friends with our neighbors who were young and all starting families. In fact, for the first 5 or so years, it was common to have 4-6 moms or dads with the kids hanging out at the end of our driveway each night after dinner in the warmer weather. My DC-ren often played in the street with their best friends from across the street. I was best friends with the mom. We sat in our lawnchairs and chatted about the good things in life and supported each other when parenting become difficult. We traveled together. We were both SAHMs, busy with playdates, driving to activities and I was then involved in the PTSA.

Although our families lived far away, DH and I had lots of friends helping us raise our girls - friends from DDs schools, neighborhood and DH work. Then about 5-7 years ago, people stated moving away. Two of our closest families moved. Two other couples got divorced and started new lives but I still had my best friend from across the street.

But then three years ago, my best friend, out of the blue moved away. My kids lost their best friend and I lost mine.

6 months later, DC 1.0 moved onto a middle school at a very intense school and struggled with shyness, awkward social-ness and executive functioning skills. DC 2.0 went through 3 months of school refusal. I would try to talk with DH and he'd just deny my concerns telling me I was focusing too much on wanting to solve their struggles. I started waking up every night thinking and worrying about them and then I would be tired when they came home in the afternoon and I wasn't the nicest mom to them. And then I would wake up again the next night beating myself up that I needed to be a calmer, nicer mom. And then I would be tired and mean... you get it - a vicious cycle. I see my agitation is wearing off on my younger daughter who flips out in frustration just like me and I don't want her to see this role model. I see that my older DD tries to be a people pleaser so I remain calm and both seem afraid to ask for much as they've heard 'no" so many times. I worry about them.

I've talked with my doctor about not sleeping and worrying about my girls. SHe was quick to prescribe medication 6 months ago- amitriptyline - which I haven't taken because I feel like it will just mask the underlying problem.

Since my best friend moved away 3 years ago, I've been lonely. I walk my dog a lot and started back at the gym but that doesn't help. I've tried being more social at school functions and trying to connect with other moms at pick up time but I've been unsuccessful. DH focuses a lot on work and has become more absorbed in his job and less interested in socializing. When I;ve talked to him about finding new families to do things with, he says he uses all his energy at work and raising our girls. He doesn't need to socialize more - again kind of avoiding acknowledging a problem.

As DD 1.0 entered 8th grade, I realize I don't have much time left to be that good mom who is kind and calm and there for her - a mom who she can rely and confide in. I realize DD 2.0 shys away from making connections with friends and I don't want her to be lonely. I feel she has put up a wall of some-kind to be emotionally distant because I have been so for the last 3 years.

So, where do I go from here? Who can help fix my sleeping so I am a better person, not so high strung and demanding? WHo can help me be a kinder, gentler, more connected mom?

[Anonymous]

Looking for answers too. Thanks for posting!!

[Anonymous]

OP, sorry you are going through a rough time. I wondered if your girls are involved in any activities inside or outside of school. You don't mention any associations, clubs, sports, etc. that would help them make friends and feel a part of their community. Also, have you connected with the school counselor? Their role, among other things, is to reach out to students who are having social or transitional challenges. I do that every time my kids change schools. They have been instrumental in helping my kids adjust to a new environment. And, once I reach out to them, I know I can check in with the counselor or they can check in with me to let me know how things are going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14 years ago we moved 2500 miles from family for DH to start a new job. We bought a house in a family friendly neighborhood. 13 and 10 years ago our DDs were born. We made friends with our neighbors who were young and all starting families. In fact, for the first 5 or so years, it was common to have 4-6 moms or dads with the kids hanging out at the end of our driveway each night after dinner in the warmer weather. My DC-ren often played in the street with their best friends from across the street. I was best friends with the mom. We sat in our lawnchairs and chatted about the good things in life and supported each other when parenting become difficult. We traveled together. We were both SAHMs, busy with playdates, driving to activities and I was then involved in the PTSA.

Although our families lived far away, DH and I had lots of friends helping us raise our girls - friends from DDs schools, neighborhood and DH work. Then about 5-7 years ago, people stated moving away. Two of our closest families moved. Two other couples got divorced and started new lives but I still had my best friend from across the street.

But then three years ago, my best friend, out of the blue moved away. My kids lost their best friend and I lost mine.

6 months later, DC 1.0 moved onto a middle school at a very intense school and struggled with shyness, awkward social-ness and executive functioning skills. DC 2.0 went through 3 months of school refusal. I would try to talk with DH and he'd just deny my concerns telling me I was focusing too much on wanting to solve their struggles. I started waking up every night thinking and worrying about them and then I would be tired when they came home in the afternoon and I wasn't the nicest mom to them. And then I would wake up again the next night beating myself up that I needed to be a calmer, nicer mom. And then I would be tired and mean... you get it - a vicious cycle. I see my agitation is wearing off on my younger daughter who flips out in frustration just like me and I don't want her to see this role model. I see that my older DD tries to be a people pleaser so I remain calm and both seem afraid to ask for much as they've heard 'no" so many times. I worry about them.

I've talked with my doctor about not sleeping and worrying about my girls. SHe was quick to prescribe medication 6 months ago- amitriptyline - which I haven't taken because I feel like it will just mask the underlying problem.

Since my best friend moved away 3 years ago, I've been lonely. I walk my dog a lot and started back at the gym but that doesn't help. I've tried being more social at school functions and trying to connect with other moms at pick up time but I've been unsuccessful. DH focuses a lot on work and has become more absorbed in his job and less interested in socializing. When I;ve talked to him about finding new families to do things with, he says he uses all his energy at work and raising our girls. He doesn't need to socialize more - again kind of avoiding acknowledging a problem.

As DD 1.0 entered 8th grade, I realize I don't have much time left to be that good mom who is kind and calm and there for her - a mom who she can rely and confide in. I realize DD 2.0 shys away from making connections with friends and I don't want her to be lonely. I feel she has put up a wall of some-kind to be emotionally distant because I have been so for the last 3 years.

So, where do I go from here? Who can help fix my sleeping so I am a better person, not so high strung and demanding? WHo can help me be a kinder, gentler, more connected mom?

Do you want things to get better or not?

If you do, take the medication. You need it to help you get to a place where you can then put into practice other behavior changes.

You already know the underlying problems - depression, anxiety, loneliness, overwhelm. You don't want to take the medication because then you have to admit those are the issues.

Also, if you aren't working, you might want to consider it. It gives you something else to focus on and it can give you a chance to socialize with new people.

[Anonymous]

I hate to say this, but have you thought about getting a part time job or a daily volunteering job? I think what you're going through is extremely common. I'm younger, but I saw my mom and aunts go through that. They were all SAHMs and all their friends were my friends' parents. Once I hit MS and HS it got very hard for my mom to make friends and she missed all my activities.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you tried connecting with a church and seeking real support there? Prayer and meditation could be of help.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the previous posters -- prayer, medication, therapy and employment. You can't help your family until you decide to do the hard work to help yourself.

[Anonymous]

You sound depressed, OP. I'm not familiar with amitriptyline so I can't speak to that specifically, but I would not be so quick to dismiss taking medication. Yes, the underlying problem is that you want to find ways to interact better with your children, but if your behavior patterns have been formed because you are depressed, you will have a very hard time changing them until you are not depressed. Does that make sense? You have a lot of symptoms of depression including sleep disturbance. (And if treating the depression doesn't fix that, you can try sleep aids, but I would start with depression meds.)

You might also find a psychiatrist to help you find the best meds - particularly if you need sleep meds as well.

The other piece of this is therapy and/or parenting coaching and possibly family therapy. (Did your DC who dealt with school refusal go to therapy? I have dealt with that as well and it is very hard.) You need to learn new ways of coping with stress, conflict, fatigue, better communication techniques, ways to connect with your kids.

Hang in there, OP. It can and will get better. Sometimes finding help seems like the most monumental task.

[Anonymous]

Agree with others. I also suggest you take up knitting and find a regular knitting group. Knitting helps with anxiety and can be very social also. If you are anywhere near Bethesda, get into the intro class at Knitlove The owner/instructor is wonderful and the group of diverse interesting women will be a welcome addition to your life.

You mention the gym. If you run at all (or even if you don't), join a running training group. Runners are social. There is a bunch of chatting as you cover the mileage. A good MC group for beginners if Run Farther Faster.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

OP - Your family doctor is not the one to be prescribing you medication in the state that you relate being in for now going on three years or so. You need to get a referral from your doctor to a psychiatrist who can give you an appropriate screening for mental health conditions which could be transitory or more involved. In any case this medical doctor will know what to begin you on and at what dosage and how medication may interact because you may well be dealing with a couple of issues starting with interrupted sleep patterns. Equally important the psychiatrist will be able to refer you to an appropriate clinician for therapy as appropriate and also one who would be specialized in dealing with women and mid-life issues.

Starting on the medical side is important as well as starting on your daily lifestyle choices. Neither your DDs nor your DH can make your life fuller, it is going to be the choice that you make in time. With a competent therapist you will be able to set some small goals and then take a longer range look at your options. I would say that at least in the DC area you will find numerous: part-time job, going back to school for a new field, going back to school just for enjoyment for non-credit classes, volunteering etc. I have recently experienced a lost of close friends within the last years - one due to a sudden collapse, one to remarriage and moving away and a third again with grown children selling their home and moving out of the area. It took me a while to realize how bothered I was by the changes. The two who moved away in a way are starting new adventures at a time in life where it is more or less clear that this is where we will always reside so that, too, had an impact. What I have learned is that it take time to readjust to life pattern changes at times...... so start by giving yourself that time AND getting professional intervention, too.

[Anonymous]

If I were you, I'd get a job.

I have always dreamed of being a SAHM. I wish I could be with my kids more. But I do find that success at work is a huge boost for me. And my DH has a lot of respect for me since I make even a little more than he does. So if I cannot be a SAHM, I at least find that work helps to keep me happy and busy.

My kids are the same age as yours -- 13 and 11. A friend who's a SAHM recently mentioned that she was taking the occasional nap because she was getting up so early to get her kids off to middle school, but then feeling tired around noon. I was kind of surprised to hear that a 40-year-old adult would take a nap at around noon. I haven't taken a nap since I was on maternity leave with my kids. I kind of feel tired around noon myself, but am at my office at that time and I rally to get things done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were you, I'd get a job.

I have always dreamed of being a SAHM. I wish I could be with my kids more. But I do find that success at work is a huge boost for me. And my DH has a lot of respect for me since I make even a little more than he does. So if I cannot be a SAHM, I at least find that work helps to keep me happy and busy.

My kids are the same age as yours -- 13 and 11. A friend who's a SAHM recently mentioned that she was taking the occasional nap because she was getting up so early to get her kids off to middle school, but then feeling tired around noon. I was kind of surprised to hear that a 40-year-old adult would take a nap at around noon. I haven't taken a nap since I was on maternity leave with my kids. I kind of feel tired around noon myself, but am at my office at that time and I rally to get things done.

Forget a job, at least get a hobby. And your DDs are almost teenagers; their best friend should not just happen to be the daughter of your best friend, there is something odd there...

[Anonymous]

I had a period of intense anxiety and no sleeping. It was horrible. My internist prescribed amytryptaline. I really think it saved my life. Once my sleep pattern approached normal, the anxiety lessened, and I was able to resume regular life. I stayed on it about 6 months.
Consult your physician. Your mileage may vary.

[Anonymous]

Don't look for joy on the outside (best friend or whatever). Look for joy from within. You've got a great family. Have fun. Find your joy from within. Make that be enough and the rest that comes is just icing. Your kids time at home is fleeting. Make memories and make it fun. Be silly and goofy. Laugh and smile as much as you can.

[Anonymous]

To start with your sleep problem, exercise is good to wear you out a little so that you sleep better and deeper. Both of these activities will help you to think more clearly and de-stress.