Nee etiquette help: would this be rude?

[Anonymous]

I have an aunt who lives in another state and is a single mom to two teenage boys. She and I used to be close and I still love her dearly, but she is not he person I used to know. Many years ago, after her mother died, she fell back into alcoholism and lost her good job. She has been to rehab a couple of times since then and as far as I know is currently drinking. Several times a year, she asks me for money. DH is sweet and generous about it, and does not mind helping my family. However, seeing her poor decisions, along with repeated asking, makes it harder and harder (plus we are more stressed about money right now than usual).

She recently asked for money for groceries. I said I could put a grocery store gift card on my credit card because I do not want to just send her cash. Now I am on the grocer's website and see a "no alcohol or tobacco" option. She smokes and drinks, a very very expensive habit for someone on her income.

Would it be a jerk move to use the no alcohol/tobacco option? I don't want to embarrass her if he goes to use it for a purchase including these things and is then denied, but I definitely do not want to fund her illness and contribute to her declining health.

[Anonymous]

darn the typo in my header!

[Anonymous]

Not rude at all. I may let her know though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an aunt who lives in another state and is a single mom to two teenage boys. She and I used to be close and I still love her dearly, but she is not he person I used to know. Many years ago, after her mother died, she fell back into alcoholism and lost her good job. She has been to rehab a couple of times since then and as far as I know is currently drinking. Several times a year, she asks me for money. DH is sweet and generous about it, and does not mind helping my family. However, seeing her poor decisions, along with repeated asking, makes it harder and harder (plus we are more stressed about money right now than usual).

She recently asked for money for groceries. I said I could put a grocery store gift card on my credit card because I do not want to just send her cash. Now I am on the grocer's website and see a "no alcohol or tobacco" option. She smokes and drinks, a very very expensive habit for someone on her income.

Would it be a jerk move to use the no alcohol/tobacco option? I don't want to embarrass her if he goes to use it for a purchase including these things and is then denied, but I definitely do not want to fund her illness and contribute to her declining health.

No. Tell her beforehand that you are sending a grocery gift card which does not include alcohol and tobacco.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not rude at all. I may let her know though.

What wording would you use?

[Anonymous]

Nope, not rude or tacky. She asked for money for groceries and not booze and smokes. Personally I have no problem helping people eat good food but would not be willing to help with vice, particularly since I don't drink or smoke myself nor do I think those habits benefit society.

[Anonymous]

I have an addict family member. I would not put it past them to sell the gift card for cash to buy alcohol/drugs. Just putting it out there. If you're choosing to do this, you either have to be ok with the prospect that something like that could happen, or you could have the food physically delivered to the house by ordering from Peapod or something similar in her area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Now I am on the grocer's website and see a "no alcohol or tobacco" option. She smokes and drinks, a very very expensive habit for someone on her income.

Would it be a jerk move to use the no alcohol/tobacco option? I don't want to embarrass her if he goes to use it for a purchase including these things and is then denied, but I definitely do not want to fund her illness and contribute to her declining health.

OP, money is fungible. Your funding her legitimate groceries will free whatever other funds she has or can get, to spend on whatever she chooses. I can see why you might still choose to give in whatever form, in the hopes that your gift will trickle down to your teenage cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an addict family member. I would not put it past them to sell the gift card for cash to buy alcohol/drugs. Just putting it out there. If you're choosing to do this, you either have to be ok with the prospect that something like that could happen, or you could have the food physically delivered to the house by ordering from Peapod or something similar in her area.

She lives in rural Vermont. A grocery delivery service does not exist there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Now I am on the grocer's website and see a "no alcohol or tobacco" option. She smokes and drinks, a very very expensive habit for someone on her income.

Would it be a jerk move to use the no alcohol/tobacco option? I don't want to embarrass her if he goes to use it for a purchase including these things and is then denied, but I definitely do not want to fund her illness and contribute to her declining health.

OP, money is fungible. Your funding her legitimate groceries will free whatever other funds she has or can get, to spend on whatever she chooses. I can see why you might still choose to give in whatever form, in the hopes that your gift will trickle down to your teenage cousins.

This. My SIL always asks for money for a legitimate bill. But that just frees up her actual income to spend on herself and not on her daughter.

OP, it's your money and you can attach strings to it. If she doesn't like it, she can ask someone else for money.