Interfaith couples & kids

[Anonymous]

Not sure whether to put this under relationships or religion, but I'll start out here. For the interfaith couples who two who genuinely believe and are members of different faiths (rather than couples with one person who genuinely believes & the other is of another faith in name only, but happily concedes all family religious matters to the more devout spouse), what have you agreed vis a vis the kids and how is that working out? We have an agreement that allows us both to fulfill our religious and ethical duties to our children, but its implementation in practical matters is obviously challenging at times - and it would be helpful to hear how others are navigating this. How do you determine family-wide traditions on holidays that are specific to one faith and not the other? How do you navigate choosing a school? Who gets to instruct your children on matters of religion aside from parents and clergy? If your collective social circle balances heavily more towards more one community than the other, what, if anything, do you do about that?

Thanks!

ps - divorce isn't of interest to either of us. We're in love and happy and just looking for more ideas to consider in how to balance the needs of all.

[Anonymous]

Check out the DC interfaith families project iffp

[Anonymous]

If you both feel so strongly about your religion, how are your children supposed to believe? Do they believe both? Do you create a new religion for them combining both, or do you expect them to understand both and pick one?

[Anonymous]

You could teach your children about your religions and other religions and that some people have no religion. When they get older, they can choose for themselves.

A lot of people make their own choice as adults anyway. Your children will have more to go on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could teach your children about your religions and other religions and that some people have no religion. When they get older, they can choose for themselves.

A lot of people make their own choice as adults anyway. Your children will have more to go on

This is exactly what we do. We celebrate all holidays, and respect spouse's religion and traditions. Ultimately, our child may choose one religion, the other religion, no religion, or a totally different faith tradition. It is up to her.

We belong to the Interfaith Families Project and she attends Sunday School there. That has been a great community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure whether to put this under relationships or religion, but I'll start out here. For the interfaith couples who two who genuinely believe and are members of different faiths (rather than couples with one person who genuinely believes & the other is of another faith in name only, but happily concedes all family religious matters to the more devout spouse), what have you agreed vis a vis the kids and how is that working out? We have an agreement that allows us both to fulfill our religious and ethical duties to our children, but its implementation in practical matters is obviously challenging at times - and it would be helpful to hear how others are navigating this. How do you determine family-wide traditions on holidays that are specific to one faith and not the other? How do you navigate choosing a school? Who gets to instruct your children on matters of religion aside from parents and clergy? If your collective social circle balances heavily more towards more one community than the other, what, if anything, do you do about that?

Thanks!

ps - divorce isn't of interest to either of us. We're in love and happy and just looking for more ideas to consider in how to balance the needs of all.

I don't understand how this happens.

I'm an atheist and could never marry someone religious. But had I stayed a devout Catholic, I don't see how I could be with anyone who didn't feel as strongly as I did about religion once kids came into the picture.

[Anonymous]

My ex was very religious. It didn't work.

[Anonymous]

Something's gotta give.

I'm catholic and DH is Jewish. I went to catholic school, and it was important to me to have our kids officially raised catholic. DH is more culturally Jewish and hasn't gone to temple regularly since shortly after his bar mitzvah.

Our kids go to ccd. We have an interfaith home in terms of exposure to both faiths and culture. We observe both Christian and Jewish holidays. Christmas tree and menorah.

We've been together for 20 years, and it works for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could teach your children about your religions and other religions and that some people have no religion. When they get older, they can choose for themselves.

A lot of people make their own choice as adults anyway. Your children will have more to go on

This is exactly what we do. We celebrate all holidays, and respect spouse's religion and traditions. Ultimately, our child may choose one religion, the other religion, no religion, or a totally different faith tradition. It is up to her.

We belong to the Interfaith Families Project and she attends Sunday School there. That has been a great community.

Glad to hear it's working out. Some people feel so strongly that their own religion is the "true" religion that they couldn't pull off what your family is doing. As long as both of you really don't mind if your child takes a different path as an adult, this should work out fine - and your child will be better off for being exposed to multiple views of religion. Most kids learn in depth only about one religion and that the others are wrong, but should be respected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex was very religious. It didn't work.

My ex said he was a open-minded agnostic. He said he admired my certainty and the groundedness I got from my faith. Within our short (5 year) marriage, he became a close-minded atheist. He calls me brainwashed and tells anyone who listens that he regrets agreeing to allow me to raise DC in my faith.

A year ago, he began seriously dating a woman who shares my religion. They became engaged soon afterwards. They are trying to have a baby. According to DC, the plan is to raise the baby and any future siblings in stepmom's/my religion!

It gets better.

Within the past couple months, my ex began attending services of a rather conservative sect of the religion he was raised in. This religion is theologically the diametrical opposite of the religion that his various children (present and future) will be raised in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something's gotta give.

I'm catholic and DH is Jewish. I went to catholic school, and it was important to me to have our kids officially raised catholic. DH is more culturally Jewish and hasn't gone to temple regularly since shortly after his bar mitzvah.

Our kids go to ccd. We have an interfaith home in terms of exposure to both faiths and culture. We observe both Christian and Jewish holidays. Christmas tree and menorah.

We've been together for 20 years, and it works for us.

bc your husband isn't a religious Jew and he's letting you rule in that arena

That's why it works.

not a difficult situation to comprehend . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something's gotta give.

I'm catholic and DH is Jewish. I went to catholic school, and it was important to me to have our kids officially raised catholic. DH is more culturally Jewish and hasn't gone to temple regularly since shortly after his bar mitzvah.

Our kids go to ccd. We have an interfaith home in terms of exposure to both faiths and culture. We observe both Christian and Jewish holidays. Christmas tree and menorah.

We've been together for 20 years, and it works for us.

bc your husband isn't a religious Jew and he's letting you rule in that arena

That's why it works.

not a difficult situation to comprehend . . .

...correct...and that's why I said something's gotta give. It wasn't easy at first, because even nonreligious people get turfy when it comes to picking Christmas over Hanukkah.

I just don't see how two people who are supposedly religious can attend two different services every week and not want their kids to officially be something. That's why I think this is a turf thing. And I suspect one if not both are more culturally religious than practicing (do you attend a service every week?).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something's gotta give.

I'm catholic and DH is Jewish. I went to catholic school, and it was important to me to have our kids officially raised catholic. DH is more culturally Jewish and hasn't gone to temple regularly since shortly after his bar mitzvah.

Our kids go to ccd. We have an interfaith home in terms of exposure to both faiths and culture. We observe both Christian and Jewish holidays. Christmas tree and menorah.

We've been together for 20 years, and it works for us.

bc your husband isn't a religious Jew and he's letting you rule in that arena

That's why it works.

not a difficult situation to comprehend . . .

...correct...and that's why I said something's gotta give. It wasn't easy at first, because even nonreligious people get turfy when it comes to picking Christmas over Hanukkah.

I just don't see how two people who are supposedly religious can attend two different services every week and not want their kids to officially be something. That's why I think this is a turf thing. And I suspect one if not both are more culturally religious than practicing (do you attend a service every week?).

I have to agree with this poster. As she noted, if both people are truly religious and/or believe it's important to raise their kids in their religion, it's really hard. It works much better if one is more wishy-washy. I am Jewish and felt strongly that I wanted to raise my kids Jewish. To me that meant marrying either a Jewish man or a non-Jewish man who would agree to raise his children as Jews. While I'm sure there must be successful families out there where the parents are strongly of different faiths, I don't know any. All my inter-faith couple friends consist either of one religious partner and one partner who is religious in name only, or one religious partner and one partner who actually converted to the partner's religion. There must be a way to do what OP wants to do, but it won't be easy.

[Anonymous]

DH is a Jewish atheist and I am protestant Christian (non-evangelical). I am more of a believer than he is, but pretty liberal in my understanding of things. We both feel very attached to the cultural aspects of our respective religions.

We've decided to embrace both traditions, while steering discussion of the faith aspects toward the commonality in our faiths: God rather than Jesus. I do talk to my kids about Jesus but describe him as an important teacher who helped people learn new ways of thinking about God. We have decided not to enroll the kids in church- or synagogue-based education. We do plan to have some sort of coming of age ceremony/party and hope to find a private tutor who can help the kids read both old and new testament and study the two sides of their heritage in a way that focuses on similarities, differences, moral obligations, and ways of grappling intellectually with the more challenging aspects of having two religious traditions. We may look to the Interfaith Families Project for help with this when the kids get a bit older.

There is a psychotherapist in DC who is also a Rabbi and specializes in working with interfaith couples: Dr. Blecher. We worked with him prior to marriage and found the experience both harmful and helpful. I would recommend meeting with him, but don't be surprised if it polarizes you (at least for a while) and don't expect to figure out a neat framework for living with two faiths within a couple of months of sessions. I found him mostly helpful in that he could articulate all the dimensions of religion where tensions arise (faith, community, identity,ritual, etc.). This allowed us to recognize that we could harmonize the two traditions in some dimensions but needed to consciously gloss over the conflict in other dimensions (faith) in order to make our arrangement work.

[Anonymous]

It really depends on the family and mix. I have found when the wife is Christian, husband Jewish, the man generally defers to the wife. Same for the reverse - wife Jewish, generally they go with Judaism or a mix.

We do a combination but really nothing. I'm Jewish, he's Christian. Neither of us religious. We don't really do much for Christmas or Hanukkah. (Well, I do a lot after the holidays and get everything on clearance). Our kids don't care as we buy throughout the year.

Reality is you have to pick one religion or neither. You can do a mix of both but it takes both parents being willing and most aren't.