When family is offended you turn down offer "X" although you don't need it & could actually use "Y"

[Anonymous]

A few months ago, my siblings (well 2 of the 3) made an offer of regular help via their time and money that is very generous, but unneeded. I totally get how the offer fits with their vision of what my family life should/should not be, but my partner, kids, and I have the situation in hand, so we declined politely. I don't want to go into more detail, but it is really a values/lifestyle choice thing. Everyone's physical, social, and emotional needs are being more than well met. My partner is particularly opposed to accepting any financial assistance, even short-term. He has offered to take on additional work if I really think "X" is necessary. I don't think "X" is necessary and my partner already works one full-time and one part-time job, plus a second part-time job seasonally (coaching).

My dad keeps hinting that my siblings have some hurt feelings over the decline of help. I'd like to address them before the next holiday.

I know that my siblings feel a bit useless to me as I deal with some major health issues. We actually could use help with another situation. It would be a one time thing that would not take more than 90 minutes of their time on a Saturday and some SUV gas + trailer rental money which we'd happily reimburse. Should I mention this at all? As in "If you'd really like to help..."

[Anonymous]

Sure. They want to help; give them an opportunity.

[Anonymous]

You might mention to your dad what you really need help with. See if he can plant the seed.

[Anonymous]

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Sure, no harm in mentioning it. If they choose to assist you, great! If not, try not to have hard feelings about it.

[Anonymous]

Your dad hinting doesn't seem like very clear communication.

But a "Hey, we could use some help with y" to people who want to help doesn't sound like a bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Thanks! I'm going for it.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't ask that. I'd go rent a truck (even a HD or Lowes truck if its a short amount of time and do it). If you need lifting help, ok, but I would not ask them to rent a trailer.

[Anonymous]

2 things OP. 1) If you really don't need the help you declined, make sure it's abundantly clear through your actions. Ie if they are responding to your complaints/demeanor and being nice, I can see them getting frustrated. 2) asking for help you actually need is a great way to bond. It will make them feel loved and needed. You might even consider asking for more than this one time thing specifically as a bonding tool. Good luck and good health to you.

[Anonymous]

Can you give any details otherwise it seems like you are deliberately not sharing pertinent info that you know would turn the tides against you and in your family's favor.

Especially when you defensively mention that your family's physical mental and emotional needs are being met...obviously your family doesn't think so and you think they are overstepping and looking down on your lifestyle choices by offering to help.

So what is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you give any details otherwise it seems like you are deliberately not sharing pertinent info that you know would turn the tides against you and in your family's favor.

Especially when you defensively mention that your family's physical mental and emotional needs are being met...obviously your family doesn't think so and you think they are overstepping and looking down on your lifestyle choices by offering to help.

So what is it?

Fair enough.

We are a family of 4 in a small 2 br/1 ba apt. We are seldom at home and it's actually far nicer than any place I lived growing up. The rent is low enough that we can afford most of the experiences of growing up middle class that my children or I think are important. The location is convenient to everything except my job. However, I may not work full time in the near future. Due to health issues, I can't effectively housekeep a much larger space. My DC are old enough that they don't need a yard to play in. We are blocks away from one of the area's great parks. And while I miss a veggie garden, my partner already works too much and I don't want him spending weekends mowing, raking, shoveling, etc. My DC share a room, but are the same gender. They have learned to value experiences over stuff because we don't have room to store tons of things.

Two of my three siblings have the idea that I should be raising my children in a SFH in the suburbs. They want to subsidize this lifestyle by paying the difference between our rent and the cost of a 3-4 br/2 ba home closer to my job. They pooh-poohed the housework and yard work concerns by offering to pitch in whenever needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give any details otherwise it seems like you are deliberately not sharing pertinent info that you know would turn the tides against you and in your family's favor.

Especially when you defensively mention that your family's physical mental and emotional needs are being met...obviously your family doesn't think so and you think they are overstepping and looking down on your lifestyle choices by offering to help.

So what is it?

Fair enough.

We are a family of 4 in a small 2 br/1 ba apt. We are seldom at home and it's actually far nicer than any place I lived growing up. The rent is low enough that we can afford most of the experiences of growing up middle class that my children or I think are important. The location is convenient to everything except my job. However, I may not work full time in the near future. Due to health issues, I can't effectively housekeep a much larger space. My DC are old enough that they don't need a yard to play in. We are blocks away from one of the area's great parks. And while I miss a veggie garden, my partner already works too much and I don't want him spending weekends mowing, raking, shoveling, etc. My DC share a room, but are the same gender. They have learned to value experiences over stuff because we don't have room to store tons of things.

Two of my three siblings have the idea that I should be raising my children in a SFH in the suburbs. They want to subsidize this lifestyle by paying the difference between our rent and the cost of a 3-4 br/2 ba home closer to my job. They pooh-poohed the housework and yard work concerns by offering to pitch in whenever needed.

Whoa! That is major overstepping, and in my opinion, you must love them very much to see this as a loving gesture and not the criticism of your choices that I would see it as. You are doing the right thing, especially because this kind of "help" would be very difficult to undo if the promised housekeeping/yard work help didn't materialize, or if resentments ultimately grew about money, or if they had an idea of a time after which you would take over. Unless they are so wealthy that tens of thousands a year means little to them, I wouldn't accept this either. Never.

[Anonymous]

Your siblings are OFFENSIVE. I say this as a European who has lived in London, Paris, etc. Don't they realize that most urban European families live like this? And that some have very nice places indeed, with period furniture, oil paintings of their Crusading ancestors, priceless carpets and walls lined with books? Don't they know that sharing rooms was the norm a few year ago even in the US? Heck, when we came here, we lived as a family of FOUR in a ONE-bedroom apartment. Now we are "respectably" ensconced in a single family home, but I certainly don't look down on apartment dwellers sharing rooms! And maintaining a home IS a bear, particularly if you have health issues and have to rely on somebody else.

Sorry, I needed to vent. Your idea of suggesting something else is a good one.

[Anonymous]

I understand; my family did a similar thing.

I think you were smart to turn down the help and I think you should totally ask for whatever help you need-- including housekeeping or cooking if your health interferes.

[Anonymous]

This is why I didn't want to post details.

The sibs in question are my dad's "third string" and didn't grow up poor. They mean well. They just don't have another positive emotional frame of reference than their own childhood in the burbs.