I need perspective from DHs/former DHs

[Anonymous]

When you felt that "I love you but I don't LOVE you" feeling, did you ever get it over it? How? What triggered it?

I'm there right now and on the edge of moving out.

I spent years drinking too much (borderline alcoholic), fooling around with weed more than was good for me, smoking, etc - a lot of just dumb, self-destructive stuff. I was still - I think - pretty happy in my marriage. Over the past year or so I have totally cleaned up my act so I probably have less distractions and numbing agents, which is making this extraordinarily hard. I'm a serious introvert and have very few close friends; none in whom I feel I can confide or talk. While my wife is a good woman I just don't feel anything, which is driving her nuts because of the absence of affection, which in turn drives me nuts because she is demanding "love" and affection.

Help

[Anonymous]

What part of "commitment" is too tough for you? She didn't leave you through all that BS, yet you might leave her now that you finally have your act (somewhat) together? Buddy, man up and stick with her. Now, how you reignite passion and respect, I don't know.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like you have spent most of your marriage seeking to disconnect from or distract yourself from your daily life with your spouse. I don't think you can find it surprising that you don't feel connected to her. I get that that is a tough situation, but if you ever want to have a chance of feeling connection to and love for your spouse, you're going to have to start putting something into the relationship. You're going to need to spend time with her as if you were dating all over again. If you don't feel that you love her at the moment, at the very least you can give it a chance to see whether you can come to love her. Take note of the positive traits and attributes she possesses. Physically, emotionally, socially, and in every other sentence try to appreciate her for who she is. If you aren't willing to put in the time to actually spend time around her when you aren't drunk or stoned, then there's no way you're ever going to feel any kind of connection to her. I would imagine that she has had to put up a lot while you were checked out of the family and the relationship, so I do think that on some level you oh it to her to at least try, rather than just saying that the feelings aren't there without any effort so you're just going to throw in the towel. In the meantime, as you deal with her need to feel loved by you, I would think about what her love language seems to be. Is she asking for more gestures of appreciation and gifts, is she asking for sex, is she asking for deep conversation? There are a lot of different ways to feel and express love and even if you can only do it on a small scale to begin with, it will be much more effective if you are able to do it in a way that really speaks to her and what she needs to feel loved.

[Anonymous]

Are you willing to put in the work to reconnect with your wife? If not, do everybody a favor and leave her. She deserves better.

[Anonymous]

By totally cleaned up your act do you mean you actively went into rehab/recovery? You need to do that to treat your addiction first if you want to progress.

[Anonymous]

Do you want out or do you want to figure out how to make it work?

[Anonymous]

Are you in therapy for your addictions? Your brain is doing some reorganizing and it may take more time for things to settle down. Please see an addiction specialist that can tell you what is going on with your brain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you in therapy for your addictions? Your brain is doing some reorganizing and it may take more time for things to settle down. Please see an addiction specialist that can tell you what is going on with your brain.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you felt that "I love you but I don't LOVE you" feeling, did you ever get it over it? How? What triggered it?

I'm there right now and on the edge of moving out.

I spent years drinking too much (borderline alcoholic), fooling around with weed more than was good for me, smoking, etc - a lot of just dumb, self-destructive stuff. I was still - I think - pretty happy in my marriage. Over the past year or so I have totally cleaned up my act so I probably have less distractions and numbing agents, which is making this extraordinarily hard. I'm a serious introvert and have very few close friends; none in whom I feel I can confide or talk. While my wife is a good woman I just don't feel anything, which is driving her nuts because of the absence of affection, which in turn drives me nuts because she is demanding "love" and affection.

Help

If you were "self medicating" and able to deal with her and in turn able to force the relationship in a fake way, then the relationship perhaps was not organically grown, per-say... it was just floating along. Without "self medicating" do you seem to not want to be married or not love her? Ask yourself that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were "self medicating" and able to deal with her and in turn able to force the relationship in a fake way, then the relationship perhaps was not organically grown, per-say... it was just floating along. Without "self medicating" do you seem to not want to be married or not love her? Ask yourself that.

+1 BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were "self medicating" and able to deal with her and in turn able to force the relationship in a fake way, then the relationship perhaps was not organically grown, per-say... it was just floating along. Without "self medicating" do you seem to not want to be married or not love her? Ask yourself that.

+1 BTDT.

What did you do?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Let me add some context.

I quit drinking, weed, smoking on my own. I was never out of control, crazy party guy - I was a high-functioning substance abuser. I had tapered back on booze maybe 6 months ago. Weed maybe a year ago. Smoking was coming and going as job stress waxed and waned, but I'm over it.

Looking back I feel like I was trying to mask something or make myself happy. In retrospect I feel like I was smothering some lingering unhappiness with my marriage even though there was really nothing seriously wrong. So now all those masks have been gone, my mind is much clearer, and I have spent months thinking about why, as time went on, I seemed to be more and more unhappy. I pin it on my marriage for reasons I still can't quite figure out. DW is flipping out feeling blamed.

[Anonymous]

Also the marriage pre-dates the substance stuff by many, many years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Sounds to me like you have spent most of your marriage seeking to disconnect from or distract yourself from your daily life with your spouse. I don't think you can find it surprising that you don't feel connected to her. I get that that is a tough situation, but if you ever want to have a chance of feeling connection to and love for your spouse, you're going to have to start putting something into the relationship. You're going to need to spend time with her as if you were dating all over again. If you don't feel that you love her at the moment, at the very least you can give it a chance to see whether you can come to love her. Take note of the positive traits and attributes she possesses. Physically, emotionally, socially, and in every other sentence try to appreciate her for who she is. If you aren't willing to put in the time to actually spend time around her when you aren't drunk or stoned, then there's no way you're ever going to feel any kind of connection to her. I would imagine that she has had to put up a lot while you were checked out of the family and the relationship, so I do think that on some level you oh it to her to at least try, rather than just saying that the feelings aren't there without any effort so you're just going to throw in the towel. In the meantime, as you deal with her need to feel loved by you, I would think about what her love language seems to be. Is she asking for more gestures of appreciation and gifts, is she asking for sex, is she asking for deep conversation? There are a lot of different ways to feel and express love and even if you can only do it on a small scale to begin with, it will be much more effective if you are able to do it in a way that really speaks to her and what she needs to feel loved.

This is awesome advice.

I'll just add that if you leave your marriage, you'll still bring along....you. based on what you've said, I don't think you'd bring anything different to a new relationship, and you'd probably repeat the same mistakes. There's no magic outside your marriage. You've not done any work other than pin the blame on your wife. You've checked into your life, which is awesome. Now do the work, and check into your marriage. At least give it a good try, with your new clarity. If it doesn't work in the end, at least you know you've done everything you can, and you've grown as a result of the process.

[Anonymous]

do you have kids?