I need perspective from DHs/former DHs

[Anonymous]

You sound like you want us to tell you to leave her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Let me add some context.

I quit drinking, weed, smoking on my own. I was never out of control, crazy party guy - I was a high-functioning substance abuser. I had tapered back on booze maybe 6 months ago. Weed maybe a year ago. Smoking was coming and going as job stress waxed and waned, but I'm over it.

Looking back I feel like I was trying to mask something or make myself happy. In retrospect I feel like I was smothering some lingering unhappiness with my marriage even though there was really nothing seriously wrong. So now all those masks have been gone, my mind is much clearer, and I have spent months thinking about why, as time went on, I seemed to be more and more unhappy. I pin it on my marriage for reasons I still can't quite figure out. DW is flipping out feeling blamed.

Woman here. Divorced and remarried. Here are my thoughts.

My first marriage was not a good decision. We were not particularly well matched - different backgrounds, different interests, different priorities. Hell, we had different styles of decorating, different food preferences, different travel preferences, different social interests. We had overlap early on in a couple areas, but in retrospect, marrying was a bad decision and having a baby in a marriage that we both knew was floundering was also not a good decision (though she is a great kid and I wouldn't take her back for anything).

Your posts sound bored and lacking in empathy. Are those usual characteristics for you? What do you find interesting? What does your wife find interesting? What did you like about her when you started dating?

Your comment about your blaming your marriage for reasons you can't figure out and her feeling blamed are... ridiculously obvious. You blame your marriage for your malcontent, and your wife is understandably hurt and upset by that. Own that. Apologize to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Let me add some context.

I quit drinking, weed, smoking on my own. I was never out of control, crazy party guy - I was a high-functioning substance abuser. I had tapered back on booze maybe 6 months ago. Weed maybe a year ago. Smoking was coming and going as job stress waxed and waned, but I'm over it.

Looking back I feel like I was trying to mask something or make myself happy. In retrospect I feel like I was smothering some lingering unhappiness with my marriage even though there was really nothing seriously wrong. So now all those masks have been gone, my mind is much clearer, and I have spent months thinking about why, as time went on, I seemed to be more and more unhappy. I pin it on my marriage for reasons I still can't quite figure out. DW is flipping out feeling blamed.

I would flip out too. Your wife didn't make you turn to substances, you did. If you were unhappy with her (which you don't even seem sure of), there are things you could have done like counseling or breaking up. You did not need to start smoking up or drinking. I cannot imagine the pain she must feel by you laying this at her feet. That is just incredible.

I think you need to do some soul searching and therapy to figure out why you have made these choices, without scapegoating her. As a PP mentioned, even if you leave her you will still be with you. I strongly believe that without working on yourself, you are doomed to further bad relationships.

[Anonymous]

OP, I cannot see your marriage working out but at least if it ends, give your wife some difficulty and man up to your contribution to the issues.

[Anonymous]

So you spent the better part of your marriage bombed, and are now waking up to an "I just don't like you in that way" feeling?

I don't blame your wife for flipping out. Let me tell you something about high functioning addicts: it's SUCH as escape from doing the hard work. In anything. Relationships, jobs, childcare, life. Addicts exist in this haze that hides the fact that much of life is kind of a grind. It just is. The grind makes all the bright spots...little moments with your kids, victories at work, a good laugh with a friend...seem really bright. But the rest is just kind of meh. When addicts wake up and realize this, they're pissed and irritable and pouty. And you know what? The rest of us have been doing the heavy lifting all along.

Your posts are brief but it doesn't sound like you get that part yet. If you have a wife who stuck with you before and (God help her) still wants to, you're luckier than you probably deserve. So for Christ's sake man, get to counseling and work it out.

[Anonymous]

I increasingly think we should separate just so I can get some perspective and space to think. We're constantly fighting and she's constantly asking for explanations and I don't have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you spent the better part of your marriage bombed, and are now waking up to an "I just don't like you in that way" feeling?

I don't blame your wife for flipping out. Let me tell you something about high functioning addicts: it's SUCH as escape from doing the hard work. In anything. Relationships, jobs, childcare, life. Addicts exist in this haze that hides the fact that much of life is kind of a grind. It just is. The grind makes all the bright spots...little moments with your kids, victories at work, a good laugh with a friend...seem really bright. But the rest is just kind of meh. When addicts wake up and realize this, they're pissed and irritable and pouty. And you know what? The rest of us have been doing the heavy lifting all along.

Your posts are brief but it doesn't sound like you get that part yet. If you have a wife who stuck with you before and (God help her) still wants to, you're luckier than you probably deserve. So for Christ's sake man, get to counseling and work it out.

Not the better part. Maybe three years of 20.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you spent the better part of your marriage bombed, and are now waking up to an "I just don't like you in that way" feeling?

I don't blame your wife for flipping out. Let me tell you something about high functioning addicts: it's SUCH as escape from doing the hard work. In anything. Relationships, jobs, childcare, life. Addicts exist in this haze that hides the fact that much of life is kind of a grind. It just is. The grind makes all the bright spots...little moments with your kids, victories at work, a good laugh with a friend...seem really bright. But the rest is just kind of meh. When addicts wake up and realize this, they're pissed and irritable and pouty. And you know what? The rest of us have been doing the heavy lifting all along.

Your posts are brief but it doesn't sound like you get that part yet. If you have a wife who stuck with you before and (God help her) still wants to, you're luckier than you probably deserve. So for Christ's sake man, get to counseling and work it out.

Not the better part. Maybe three years of 20.

you've been married for 20 years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you spent the better part of your marriage bombed, and are now waking up to an "I just don't like you in that way" feeling?

I don't blame your wife for flipping out. Let me tell you something about high functioning addicts: it's SUCH as escape from doing the hard work. In anything. Relationships, jobs, childcare, life. Addicts exist in this haze that hides the fact that much of life is kind of a grind. It just is. The grind makes all the bright spots...little moments with your kids, victories at work, a good laugh with a friend...seem really bright. But the rest is just kind of meh. When addicts wake up and realize this, they're pissed and irritable and pouty. And you know what? The rest of us have been doing the heavy lifting all along.

Your posts are brief but it doesn't sound like you get that part yet. If you have a wife who stuck with you before and (God help her) still wants to, you're luckier than you probably deserve. So for Christ's sake man, get to counseling and work it out.

Not the better part. Maybe three years of 20.

you've been married for 20 years?

yes

[Anonymous]

So you've been married for 20 years and became a polysubstance abuser 17 years in? Why? What changed? Why did you then quit? Any kids?

There are big holes in your story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you spent the better part of your marriage bombed, and are now waking up to an "I just don't like you in that way" feeling?

I don't blame your wife for flipping out. Let me tell you something about high functioning addicts: it's SUCH as escape from doing the hard work. In anything. Relationships, jobs, childcare, life. Addicts exist in this haze that hides the fact that much of life is kind of a grind. It just is. The grind makes all the bright spots...little moments with your kids, victories at work, a good laugh with a friend...seem really bright. But the rest is just kind of meh. When addicts wake up and realize this, they're pissed and irritable and pouty. And you know what? The rest of us have been doing the heavy lifting all along.

Your posts are brief but it doesn't sound like you get that part yet. If you have a wife who stuck with you before and (God help her) still wants to, you're luckier than you probably deserve. So for Christ's sake man, get to counseling and work it out.

Not the better part. Maybe three years of 20.

Ok so for three years then. Above advice still stands. PP noting that you sound bored and lacking in empathy is accurate.