Reply to I need perspective from DHs/former DHs

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[quote=Anonymous] Sounds to me like you have spent most of your marriage seeking to disconnect from or distract yourself from your daily life with your spouse. I don't think you can find it surprising that you don't feel connected to her.  I get that that is a tough situation, but if you ever want to have a chance of feeling connection to and love for your spouse, you're going to have to start putting something into the relationship. You're going to need to spend time with her as if you were dating all over again. If you don't feel that you love her  at the moment, at the very least you can give it a chance to see whether you can come to love her. Take note of the positive traits and attributes she possesses. Physically, emotionally,  socially, and in every other sentence try to appreciate her for who she is. If you aren't willing to put in the time to actually spend time around her when you aren't drunk or stoned, then there's no way you're ever going to feel any kind of connection to her. I would imagine that she has had to put up a lot while you were checked  out of the family and the relationship, so I do think that on some level you oh it to her to at least try, rather than just saying that the feelings aren't there without any effort so you're just going to throw in the towel.  In the meantime, as you deal with her need to feel loved by you, I would think about what her love language seems to be. Is she asking for more gestures of appreciation and gifts, is she asking for sex, is she asking for deep conversation? There are a lot of different ways to feel and express love and even if you can only do it on a small scale to begin with,  it will be much more effective if you are able to do it in a way that really speaks to her and what she needs to feel loved. [/quote]

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