My kid has no backbone

[Anonymous]

Does anyone have any tips or books I can read that can help me help my kid? My DS is 11 and has a very HIGH need to be liked, to the point where he won't stand up for himself. Fortunately he has good friends so he is doing okay; however, I want him to be able to say he does not like something or to stand up for himself when needed. An example of his lack of confidence occurred yesterday. My DS has a really nice Spyder brand winter coat. He picked out the coat because it has a lot of neon green (his current color choice). Anyway, the logo is a spider. When he was walking to school, one boy asked if it was a spider man coat, my DS said "no, it is a Spyder brand" and the other boy said ok.. and that should have been it. However, because of that comment, my DS feels that EVERYONE will think that it is a spider man coat and that everyone will think he is immature for wearing it and as a result, he did not wear the coat yesterday afternoon on his walk home from school (he had on a short sleeved shirt underneath) and did not want to wear it to school today.

this is just one example, i have others. My boy has such a high need for peer acceptance that he will not stand up for himself. How can I help him? He does not listen to me when I try to guide him - he shuts down because he thinks that I just don't understand him or what he is going through.

Help!

[Anonymous]

Point out that the kid who didn't recognize the Spyder logo is completely out-of-touch with fashsions. It's right up there with Helly Hansen.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's just his age or a phase. You can point out that people are drawn to confident independent thinkers not blind followers, maybe find some historic examples. Or give him some books to read where the main hero is a strong independent personality. He needs some examples.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine has a son like your son. She doesn't see that her own constant and consuming concern about what others think of her is being soaked up by her own kids. You may want to take a look at what you say & do to see if that can be some of the issue. Maybe it will be something you two can work on together.

[Anonymous]

Get him in Boy Scouts. There is a lot of rigamarole but overall there are great benefits. The boys actually learn a great deal, have to demonstrate skills and present info relating to said skills, share experiences (both pleasant and unpleasant) with peers and work towards goals. My son is now fifteen and is on his way to Eagle Scout. We really began to notice his confidence and maturity as he entered high school last year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine has a son like your son. She doesn't see that her own constant and consuming concern about what others think of her is being soaked up by her own kids. You may want to take a look at what you say & do to see if that can be some of the issue. Maybe it will be something you two can work on together.

OP, I have an 11 YO DS too, and I think this PP is right. The comment the other boy made was cute -- Spyder coat, Spider man, ha ha. Perhaps what your son needs to develop is more of a sense of humor. Everything is not about him, not serious, not personal and not offensive. Unless he's been taught to make it that way?

[Anonymous]

possibly anxiety. The constant worries about being liked, worries about how peers are perceiving him, combined with him feeling like you don't understand his inner turmoil, this goes beyond something as simple as not having a backbone (BTW, that's incredibly dismissive and no wonder you son feels like you don't get it). If it really is anxiety, the more you insist he grow a backbone and harp on what you see as his failings, the more crushing it is for him and reinforces feelings of inferiority and being a failure in your eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:possibly anxiety. The constant worries about being liked, worries about how peers are perceiving him, combined with him feeling like you don't understand his inner turmoil, this goes beyond something as simple as not having a backbone (BTW, that's incredibly dismissive and no wonder you son feels like you don't get it). If it really is anxiety, the more you insist he grow a backbone and harp on what you see as his failings, the more crushing it is for him and reinforces feelings of inferiority and being a failure in your eyes.

This sounds very much like my DS who has severe anxiety (but was not diagnosed until his later teens). He was extremely self-conscious and was constantly worried about what other people would think about every aspect of what he wore, said, did, etc.

[Anonymous]

I think this is self-consciousness, not so much wanting to be liked,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get him in Boy Scouts. There is a lot of rigamarole but overall there are great benefits. The boys actually learn a great deal, have to demonstrate skills and present info relating to said skills, share experiences (both pleasant and unpleasant) with peers and work towards goals. My son is now fifteen and is on his way to Eagle Scout. We really began to notice his confidence and maturity as he entered high school last year.

OP, give this a try, especially if he doesn't already have an activity that he's doing regularly. Our godson was shy and pretty diffident about everything and Boy Scouting has helped him come out of his shell. Now that he's in high school he is working hard on being a leader--running for troop leadership positions, working on awards, etc. It's been very good for him. Be aware that every troop is different, and a lot can depend on the personalities of leaders and other parents involved; also, your son would be starting at an older age than some other boys, so you might seek out a troop that is a newer troop of boys around his same age, as opposed to a group that has been together since all were pretty young. Not sure how Boy Scouting organizes that (I have a daughter and know a lot about Girl Scouts' organization but understand BSA is quite different). I just know that it's been good for our godson.

Also, since he won't listen to you and feels you "don't understand him" -- and I sure know that story from my own kid -- see if you can get him into an activity at school or church (if that's your thing) or somewhere, where he will have access to adults (especially younger adult men like teachers or club advisers) who can talk about being confident and not caring what others think about you except people whose opinions you really value. Maybe he needs a mentor who is not mom or dad -- kids often will listen better to an adult who isn't a parent. Are the clubs or service groups at his school or through the community, church, etc.? Especially if Boy Scouts is just not his interest, getting him into some form of activity or service that will get him outside his own head and helping others, alongside good role models, would help. If there's a good counselor at his school who would talk with him informally, maybe have him in for lunch in the office a few times, that might help too if your son's open to that and their personalities click.

One other thing. If he's this sensitive about "fitting in" at age 11, take extra care that he doesn't start to "go along to get along" as he hits middle school. That is when there's increasing pressure on kids like him to do what alpha kids tell them to do--try drinking or drugs, hand over your money, do this or that. My friend's son has had some real issues with boys in his eighth grade classes asking him if he wants drugs, or bragging (whether for real or not) about drinking or what they've done with girls. (And this is in a school with a good reputation, in our "nice" suburb, so don't think your son won't at least hear this soon.) A boy who was super sensitive about fitting in could end up in trouble, even if he knows objectively that he shouldn't do certain things. Friend's son is fine, as he totally doesn't care what other kids think of him. But in your case, I think you're right to want to build up some confidence in your son now. Involving him in activities both to give him confidence and to keep him busy (so he has less time to brood over "What do they think of me at school?") could help.

[Anonymous]

I think this is anxiety, OP. If this is constant, you might want to seek professional help.

[Anonymous]

And already people are trying to convince you your son needs professional help. He just felt self conscious. And it is a real concern to wear something that others could tease you about. I remember the middle school years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:possibly anxiety. The constant worries about being liked, worries about how peers are perceiving him, combined with him feeling like you don't understand his inner turmoil, this goes beyond something as simple as not having a backbone (BTW, that's incredibly dismissive and no wonder you son feels like you don't get it). If it really is anxiety, the more you insist he grow a backbone and harp on what you see as his failings, the more crushing it is for him and reinforces feelings of inferiority and being a failure in your eyes.

This sounds very much like my DS who has severe anxiety (but was not diagnosed until his later teens). He was extremely self-conscious and was constantly worried about what other people would think about every aspect of what he wore, said, did, etc.

Mine, too, except he was diagnosed with anxiety in K. It's waxed and waned over the years (he's now in HS) but always there. He does Boy Scouts and that has helped. In the beginning, his dad was really involved (even going to BS camp with him for a week in the summer) but scaled back as DS got older. We practiced things a LOT with him to build confidence, identified small challenges to overcome rather than trying the big things first. We also revisit his accomplishments and remind him how hard/difficult/bad things were at first and then how he has improved.

About he's perceived by peers - this has been a long standing issue with DS. He wants to fit in, he's worried that he doesn't and if an offhand comment can be twisted into something negative, he twists it. He also re-hashes interactions. We've done a lot of work with him on CBT and framing his thoughts. Although it's not directly related to issues with social acceptance, if you haven't already, you might look into Carol Dweck's work on mindset.

http://mindsetonline.com/abouttheauthor/

http://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2015/11/23/teachers-parents-often-misuse-growth-mindset-research-carol-dweck-says

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:possibly anxiety. The constant worries about being liked, worries about how peers are perceiving him, combined with him feeling like you don't understand his inner turmoil, this goes beyond something as simple as not having a backbone (BTW, that's incredibly dismissive and no wonder you son feels like you don't get it). If it really is anxiety, the more you insist he grow a backbone and harp on what you see as his failings, the more crushing it is for him and reinforces feelings of inferiority and being a failure in your eyes.

This sounds very much like my DS who has severe anxiety (but was not diagnosed until his later teens). He was extremely self-conscious and was constantly worried about what other people would think about every aspect of what he wore, said, did, etc.

Yup anxiety. Mine has it too and I would out my accident. I mentioned the word anxiety and he asked "what's that?" I explained it in detail and when I got to thr part about how it makes your stoma feel be was like "yes mom!!! I get that all the time, I didn't know there was a word!". He too is obsessed with people liking him and it's much easier to deal with it now.

[Anonymous]

Don't be too quick to attribute the son's need for approval to the OP. I have an 11yo who is literally clueless and totally unconcerned about others' opinions of him. I did not make him that way - I'm totally neurotic - but he just marches to the beat of his own drummer and so far doesn't care what anyone else might think. His younger sibling is the exact opposite, fwiw.