Entitlement

[Anonymous]

13.5 yo has recently been making statements of entitlement -- it is "my job" to do her laundry, she has "no clothes". These are two examples from this morning. She has always been self-centered and lacks empathy in many cases. Do I just ignore these statements next time (too late for today ) or so I crack down and tell her to do her own laundry from now on... She does very few chores around here because she can barely finish her homework (great student but excessively slow worker). She helps out the few times I ask her to -- fold the clothes in the dryer ... But it is not frequent.

If I'm to ignore, please tell me how! I cannot stand entitled behavior in anyone.

And, if possible, can you be gentle? I'm feeling utterly defeated by this child. She has a history of being very challenging.

[Anonymous]

My fourteen year old son was like this. I took his phone away for a week so he could rethink his attitude.

Worked like a charm.

[Anonymous]

Crack down.

Your "job" is to raise her to have the necessary tools to be a happy, productive, and independent adult. Laundry seems like a reasonable starting point.

He "job" is actually partially to challenge you. It's developmental to seek more independence and question the workings of the world and structure. It's also on her to learn natural consequence of those actions (she doesn't wash her clothes, she will not have clean socks, or if she irritates her mother, mom will stop doing nice things for her).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Crack down.

Your "job" is to raise her to have the necessary tools to be a happy, productive, and independent adult. Laundry seems like a reasonable starting point.

He "job" is actually partially to challenge you. It's developmental to seek more independence and question the workings of the world and structure. It's also on her to learn natural consequence of those actions (she doesn't wash her clothes, she will not have clean socks, or if she irritates her mother, mom will stop doing nice things for her).

I mostly agree with this.

It needn't be a tit for tat thing.

Laundry is a life skill at nearly 14 she needs to become familiar with it.

[Anonymous]

I started doing my own laundry at 10 when I complained about it to my mom. You DD is 14. That's plenty old enough to learn how to do laundry. She will need this skill for college anyway.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would tell her that the next time she complains that she doesn't have x item of clothing (let alone any clothes at all), she'll start doing her own laundry. That gives her fair warning. She can either fix her behavior, or she can do her own laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13.5 yo has recently been making statements of entitlement -- it is "my job" to do her laundry, she has "no clothes". These are two examples from this morning. She has always been self-centered and lacks empathy in many cases. Do I just ignore these statements next time (too late for today ) or so I crack down and tell her to do her own laundry from now on... She does very few chores around here because she can barely finish her homework (great student but excessively slow worker). She helps out the few times I ask her to -- fold the clothes in the dryer ... But it is not frequent.

If I'm to ignore, please tell me how! I cannot stand entitled behavior in anyone.

And, if possible, can you be gentle? I'm feeling utterly defeated by this child. She has a history of being very challenging.

If your daughter is an excessively slow worker, unless there are development issues, I would recommend giving her less time to do her work. She will always have something to do instead of helping around the house.

[Anonymous]

Does your DD do any chores? She is 14 - at a minimum, she should be cleaning up her own room, pitching in for the family area chores (bathroom/kitchen, etc) and doing her laundry.

Why do you think ignoring these comments - and continuing to do her laundry - will make her any better in the long run?

Teens are a time when you should really be coaching them on basic life skills they will need when they leave for college or just move out. Cooking, cleaning, finances, accountability, etc.

Time to step up and be the type of mom that a teen needs

[Anonymous]

She has always been self centered and lacked empathy - your words btw but you somehow think that magically as a teen she won't be that way?

You let her grow up to be this way and it was fine before because it didn't effect you directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has always been self centered and lacked empathy - your words btw but you somehow think that magically as a teen she won't be that way?

You let her grow up to be this way and it was fine before because it didn't effect you directly.

Serious question -- is she this way because she's a sociopath, or has she simply been indulged her entire life?

Kids are challenging, and some are harder than others. At this age, the answer is probably to start handing over some responsibilities to her. She HAS to learn to manage her time between schoolwork and household obligations otherwise she will never survive in the real world as an adult. How much free time does she have? Start by curtailing that - no screen time, no phone, etc until schoolwork is done well and the requisite household chore is done on a daily or weekly basis.

If she said that to me at that age, my response might be "Um, no. My job is to ensure that you have a roof over your head, clothes on your back, and grow up to be an independent adult. YOUR job from here on out is to ensure that the house I provide is cared for, and the clothes are clean." What household chores does she have now? Time to come up with some and a plan of attack. I have an only child who is younger than your's, and I realize that so often I do things simply because it's easier and quicker. However, because I know that I don't want her to grow up helpless and entitled, I do have to force myself to lay out expectations for her with regard to contributing to the family.

Good luck. You can change this, but it's going to take time. Laundry is a great start.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry this is really tough, OP. And I'm glad you are not going to just put up with it.

Trying to be kind here. In my opinion, it's way more important that you do what you can to help develop empathy, compassion, and work ethic in your daughter than it is for her to be academically successful. We have way too many financially successful, self-centered, entitled pricks in our society. You're still raising her - please do what you can while you can.

So, IMO, that means, in part, teaching her that she is not entitled to maid service and laundry service. Make her responsible for her laundry and her space as well as other jobs in the house. If she needs your help because she is on a deadline for school, she'll need to ask for your help, and then show appreciation for your help. Does she have an allowance (for nothing)? If so, I'd eliminate that. Flip everything from "getting" to "earning".

Empathy is a bit harder now that she's older, but I'd intentionally model your empathy for others in lots of discussions. Talk about what's going on, talk about how you feel for people, talk about what you can do. "I'd like you to watch this YouTube story I just watched about Syrian refugees...I feel so sad for that mom with a toddler whose husband died...she's living in a tent and must be so cold and scared. It reminds me of when you were a toddler and your dad went away for business for a week, and you were sick, and I felt so helpless. But this mom must feel a million times more scared and helpless; my heart breaks for her. What do you think she's feeling? I wonder what we could do from here. I heard that there is a coat and blanket drive for Syrian refugees at Government Center. What would you think about working together to collect some blankets and coats?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has always been self centered and lacked empathy - your words btw but you somehow think that magically as a teen she won't be that way?

You let her grow up to be this way and it was fine before because it didn't effect you directly.

I've not "let her" grow up this way. This is her natural tendency despite all our efforts. This child is the most stubborn person I've ever met. Her behavior has directly impacted me her entire life. This is not a new thing.

Believe me, I've never ignored her behavior. I think I have the tendency to be too strict so I wanted to see if I was overreacting to typical teenage behavior in my response to her this morning.

Seems the consensus is that this shouldn't be ignored. She does know how to do laundry but isn't asked to do it regularly. I will give notice and change that.

And, I don't think advice from someone with one younger child is relevant. My other kids do not behave like this. This one has always been very tough. You only know your one kid who isn't even a teen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry this is really tough, OP. And I'm glad you are not going to just put up with it.

Trying to be kind here. In my opinion, it's way more important that you do what you can to help develop empathy, compassion, and work ethic in your daughter than it is for her to be academically successful. We have way too many financially successful, self-centered, entitled pricks in our society. You're still raising her - please do what you can while you can.

So, IMO, that means, in part, teaching her that she is not entitled to maid service and laundry service. Make her responsible for her laundry and her space as well as other jobs in the house. If she needs your help because she is on a deadline for school, she'll need to ask for your help, and then show appreciation for your help. Does she have an allowance (for nothing)? If so, I'd eliminate that. Flip everything from "getting" to "earning".

Empathy is a bit harder now that she's older, but I'd intentionally model your empathy for others in lots of discussions. Talk about what's going on, talk about how you feel for people, talk about what you can do. "I'd like you to watch this YouTube story I just watched about Syrian refugees...I feel so sad for that mom with a toddler whose husband died...she's living in a tent and must be so cold and scared. It reminds me of when you were a toddler and your dad went away for business for a week, and you were sick, and I felt so helpless. But this mom must feel a million times more scared and helpless; my heart breaks for her. What do you think she's feeling? I wonder what we could do from here. I heard that there is a coat and blanket drive for Syrian refugees at Government Center. What would you think about working together to collect some blankets and coats?"

Thank you for your tone! I totally agree with you. I've tried to talk about other's situations for years with her, including this morning. They don't seem to penetrate. It is eerily similar to my mother who rails on about her minor discomforts but gives no thoughts to others with true problems, even when I bring them up as points of comparison.

I also agree with you about academics. I hope for balanced and compassionate lives for them. But she is totally driven academically. She has no allowance. We expect help when we ask and she does do that generally (not willingly this weekend, though). She has pretty much no free time because she takes so long with her school work and basic self-care. She doesn't spend time on screens at all. And maybe texts for ten minutes a day.

[Anonymous]

I think kids also go through more intense phases of testing limits and seeing how the world works as teens. Our 13 YO DS is suddenly acting way more entitled and lazy, which is kind of helpful in a way -- we had been meaning to make him do more around the house and establish some consequences for the teenager-y attitude. He's suddenly making that much easier by acting like an entitled brat. Almost like at some level he knows he needs to grow up and is pushing for more consequences.

[Anonymous]

Stop worrying about her being entitled or whatever, just focus on thr issue.

She's upset her clothes weren't washed, teach her to wash her own. Shrug off her comments and let that go. It's up to her choose to launder her clothes or wait.