My child is currently a B/C student - handling friends with kids who are all A?

[Anonymous]

I am coming to terms with the fact that my son may always be a B/C student. He tries hard, but has anxiety and does poorly on tests. He has other learning disabilities (mild) and ADHD. He also manages Type 1 Diabetes- which is very difficult. I know he is smart, and I firmly believe he will have a great future, once he hits college and can focus more on his interests. He is talented and well-spoken, so I really am not worried about him in the long run. We will find a college that is right for him. (Middle school currently) The hard thing, and I realize to some degree this is petty, is that honestly all of our friends have extraordinary kids. It's hard when we are together, and one says," I am not sure how to handle our son, XX, getting a B+ this quarter-- it's his first B" do I punish him? What should I do?" etc. you get the idea. These are kids who will do very well academically and have a lot of pressure on them to do well. Parents went to Ivy or near Ivy schools. My husband went to state schools, and I went to a very good college, but we know we are no brainiacs. We have found great success in our lives, and I believe our children will do in what they choose to focus on. (I have another child with pretty severe LDs but high IQ) This is a rambling way of saying not sure how to not let these comments get under my skin, but also not let the complete lack of perspective get in the way our friendships. Advice? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Parent of an adult with LDs here. Yes my son grew up, went to college,mgraduated, has a job etc. but the LDs don't go away. He grew up to be an adult who struggles with your adult things just like he struggled with school.
Meanwhile, the kids across the street were superstars, got great jobs, married beautiful accomplished girls etc. I just try to be happy for them and celebrate their successes while I celebrate my sons successes, which for him, represent a lot. And he is he nicest young adult in town.

[Anonymous]

Your son is fine, the parents of your friends kids sound like jerks, and you can relax. Your child is still young and will find his way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am coming to terms with the fact that my son may always be a B/C student. He tries hard, but has anxiety and does poorly on tests. He has other learning disabilities (mild) and ADHD. He also manages Type 1 Diabetes- which is very difficult. I know he is smart, and I firmly believe he will have a great future, once he hits college and can focus more on his interests. He is talented and well-spoken, so I really am not worried about him in the long run. We will find a college that is right for him. (Middle school currently) The hard thing, and I realize to some degree this is petty, is that honestly all of our friends have extraordinary kids. It's hard when we are together, and one says," I am not sure how to handle our son, XX, getting a B+ this quarter-- it's his first B" do I punish him? What should I do?" etc. you get the idea. These are kids who will do very well academically and have a lot of pressure on them to do well. Parents went to Ivy or near Ivy schools. My husband went to state schools, and I went to a very good college, but we know we are no brainiacs. We have found great success in our lives, and I believe our children will do in what they choose to focus on. (I have another child with pretty severe LDs but high IQ) This is a rambling way of saying not sure how to not let these comments get under my skin, but also not let the complete lack of perspective get in the way our friendships. Advice? Thanks.

I think the key is to realize that your son is extraordinary also. If these kids were dealing with learning disabilities, ADHD, anxiety, and Type 1 Diabetes (!), perhaps they would not have the luxury of just now dealing with a B+. Your kid sounds pretty extraordinary to be managing all of this and still doing fine. Also, it's important to remember that all of these experiences now are going to help him succeed in life. My husband lived a pretty charmed life all through law school -- great grades, great schools, no financial worries, all without a huge effort, which was wonderful but when he failed at something big it really knocked him for a loop in a much bigger way than if he'd had more experience dealing with adversity.

[Anonymous]

Your kid is fine and he can hang out with the kids if they make him happy. I would search for some new parent friends if I were you because I could not hang out with anyone who wants to punish their kid for a B. Face the fact that parenting differences do get in the way of friendships because it's a huge part of who they are and how they parent their child.

[Anonymous]

I have a crowd of friends like this, too, and my oldest is only 10. Honestly, diversifying friends is one strategy that works a little. Also changing the subject and simply not discussing my child's learning within this group of friends helps somewhat.

Luckily, this group of friends come from the youngest ages of my kids, so the kids aren't in the same school. So often our conversations about academics can be about the various pros and cons of the various school systems (a never ending conversation in the DC area). But it also means that finding adult friends among the parents of my kids' school friends has been our way forward.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar kid, OP. I agree with you that those qualities will really hold them in good stead in whatever field they choose. It's also good for a kid to not feel they are the smartest - those kids who always expect to do the best often come crashing down when they find out there's a lot more to it (there will always be someone smarter). Anyway, this is what I do ... take a look around my workplace and see who is doing well and getting along the best (both at work and in their personal lives). It's usually the person with the best emotional intelligence, easy going nature, can see the bigger picture, etc. It's usually not the straight A student who went to an Ivy. At least that's what I've seen.

[Anonymous]

You're playing the long game, OP. You (rightly) know your son will figure it out and be fine in the end. Your friends may not be so wise if they are so caught up in how exceptional their kids are right now.

Smile, change the subject and feel comforted that you are actually thinking about this the right way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am coming to terms with the fact that my son may always be a B/C student. He tries hard, but has anxiety and does poorly on tests. He has other learning disabilities (mild) and ADHD. He also manages Type 1 Diabetes- which is very difficult. I know he is smart, and I firmly believe he will have a great future, once he hits college and can focus more on his interests. He is talented and well-spoken, so I really am not worried about him in the long run. We will find a college that is right for him. (Middle school currently) The hard thing, and I realize to some degree this is petty, is that honestly all of our friends have extraordinary kids. It's hard when we are together, and one says," I am not sure how to handle our son, XX, getting a B+ this quarter-- it's his first B" do I punish him? What should I do?" etc. you get the idea. These are kids who will do very well academically and have a lot of pressure on them to do well. Parents went to Ivy or near Ivy schools. My husband went to state schools, and I went to a very good college, but we know we are no brainiacs. We have found great success in our lives, and I believe our children will do in what they choose to focus on. (I have another child with pretty severe LDs but high IQ) This is a rambling way of saying not sure how to not let these comments get under my skin, but also not let the complete lack of perspective get in the way our friendships. Advice? Thanks.

I think the key is to realize that your son is extraordinary also. If these kids were dealing with learning disabilities, ADHD, anxiety, and Type 1 Diabetes (!), perhaps they would not have the luxury of just now dealing with a B+. Your kid sounds pretty extraordinary to be managing all of this and still doing fine. Also, it's important to remember that all of these experiences now are going to help him succeed in life. My husband lived a pretty charmed life all through law school -- great grades, great schools, no financial worries, all without a huge effort, which was wonderful but when he failed at something big it really knocked him for a loop in a much bigger way than if he'd had more experience dealing with adversity.

Thank you this was a very kind response-- as were so many others. I appreciate it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am coming to terms with the fact that my son may always be a B/C student. He tries hard, but has anxiety and does poorly on tests. He has other learning disabilities (mild) and ADHD. He also manages Type 1 Diabetes- which is very difficult. I know he is smart, and I firmly believe he will have a great future, once he hits college and can focus more on his interests. He is talented and well-spoken, so I really am not worried about him in the long run. We will find a college that is right for him. (Middle school currently) The hard thing, and I realize to some degree this is petty, is that honestly all of our friends have extraordinary kids. It's hard when we are together, and one says," I am not sure how to handle our son, XX, getting a B+ this quarter-- it's his first B" do I punish him? What should I do?" etc. you get the idea. These are kids who will do very well academically and have a lot of pressure on them to do well. Parents went to Ivy or near Ivy schools. My husband went to state schools, and I went to a very good college, but we know we are no brainiacs. We have found great success in our lives, and I believe our children will do in what they choose to focus on. (I have another child with pretty severe LDs but high IQ) This is a rambling way of saying not sure how to not let these comments get under my skin, but also not let the complete lack of perspective get in the way our friendships. Advice? Thanks.

It is annoying. And what I have learned is that often the parents exaggerate their child successes. Just this morning I spoke to a friend who told me her daughter got her report card and she got all A's. As the conversation continued, she revealed that her daughter got a B in Spanish and missed an A in history by 2 points.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am coming to terms with the fact that my son may always be a B/C student. He tries hard, but has anxiety and does poorly on tests. He has other learning disabilities (mild) and ADHD. He also manages Type 1 Diabetes- which is very difficult. I know he is smart, and I firmly believe he will have a great future, once he hits college and can focus more on his interests. He is talented and well-spoken, so I really am not worried about him in the long run. We will find a college that is right for him. (Middle school currently) The hard thing, and I realize to some degree this is petty, is that honestly all of our friends have extraordinary kids. It's hard when we are together, and one says," I am not sure how to handle our son, XX, getting a B+ this quarter-- it's his first B" do I punish him? What should I do?" etc. you get the idea. These are kids who will do very well academically and have a lot of pressure on them to do well. Parents went to Ivy or near Ivy schools. My husband went to state schools, and I went to a very good college, but we know we are no brainiacs. We have found great success in our lives, and I believe our children will do in what they choose to focus on. (I have another child with pretty severe LDs but high IQ) This is a rambling way of saying not sure how to not let these comments get under my skin, but also not let the complete lack of perspective get in the way our friendships. Advice? Thanks.

It is annoying. And what I have learned is that often the parents exaggerate their child successes. Just this morning I spoke to a friend who told me her daughter got her report card and she got all A's. As the conversation continued, she revealed that her daughter got a B in Spanish and missed an A in history by 2 points.

I learned this also last year when my oldest was applying to colleges. Parents who for years had been bragging about their kids' straight A's were all of sudden backtracking as the talk turned to college applications and admissions.

[Anonymous]

One thing that might help is when you're having these conversations, try to step back from the actual letter grade being discussed to the bigger picture. So when your friend is asking what to do about the B+ from a kid who usually gets A's, think of it instead as your friend seeing a grade from her child that is lower than usual, and wondering how to address that. That a B+ wouldn't be a problem for you for your particular child doesn't mean that a B+ for another child isn't a potential red flag (is it the beginning of a struggling to understand as the material is getting harder and the child could use some extra help? did they never develop good study habits and now it's coming back to bite them? do they understand the material but don't consistently turn in homework and maybe there are some organizational issues to address?). We all want our children to do their best and live up to their potential, and anytime we see a sign that this might not be happening, a parent will be concerned, regardless of what baseline they're starting from.

[Anonymous]

Who are these people "bragging" about their kids' grades?
Why? You need new friends -- with a quickness.
Your son sounds awesome. He has the ability and experience to be maneuver thru some of the toughest stuff life can throw at you. He works hard to get to what he has. He is able to attain and maintain friendships. It is his character(not grades) that will sustain and propel him thru life. Celebrate him like there is no tomorrow!
P.S. And get some new damn friends

[Anonymous]

I am not necessarily dealing with the other parents with kids with straight As. I never really get into those conversations with them especially in middle school. We are all busy with kids' activities. The issue I face is having twins where one is a go getter and makes excellent grades and the other has more difficulty in school and does not put in the same amount of effort. I try to keep in mind that both have unique qualities and talents and it is the whole child I am raising and cannot just focus on grades. One poster talked about emotional intelligence, which becomes critical in adult hood. Without it you can't expect to navigate the world of work and personal and professional relationships.

[Anonymous]

My child with moderate-severe ADHD and mild LDs has just started meds. We haven't yet reached a full dose, but the change has been remarkable, and my highly able but previously failing child is getting his self-esteem back.

I'm not saying meds are right for everyone, but it's something you should consider.

And I hate that phrase: "does poorly on tests". There are things, like ADHD or LDs or anxiety, that impact test-taking and need to be addressed, which I hope you are.