My child is currently a B/C student - handling friends with kids who are all A?

[Anonymous]

I could have posted this myself (except insert a different health issue). It is really hard. Everyone has given very kind and sympathetic advice, but it is wasier said than done to "make new friends" . Also, what is to say that those friends also won't have academic/athletic superstar kids. I find I really need to work on my own reactions to this scenario than controlling what others are saying, along the lines of what poster 13:21 said. Also, I need to work on not comparing to others - that is always a path to insecurity.

[Anonymous]

I was visiting my brother 2 weeks ago and we were talking about our kids and school. He has 3 kids who are older and he shared with me that one of them who graduated from college 3 years ago was a B/C student all through middle and high school. He and my SIL were always worried about him because he was simply not academic. Long story short - he got his act together in college (state school) and now has a good job (finance) and when he was recently talking to his dad (my brother), he said that he looks back and feels good about everything because he looks to his left and to his right at work and many of those who sit around him were those super stars in school. So, don't worry too much about these HS grades. As long as he is trying hard (putting in the effort), that's all you can ask. Enjoy him for who he is.

[Anonymous]

Parents who boast about their kids' grades are gauche.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is fine and he can hang out with the kids if they make him happy. I would search for some new parent friends if I were you because I could not hang out with anyone who wants to punish their kid for a B. Face the fact that parenting differences do get in the way of friendships because it's a huge part of who they are and how they parent their child.

+1
My husband and I are pretty laid back and perfectly happy when our kids get Bs. I've also had the friends with the "superstar" kids, and unfortunately, it did eventually create a lessening of the friendship (subtle, but gradually drifting away) because the parents constantly bragged about their kids and wanted to compare. After years of this, I realized that it just wasn't much fun to be around people like this anymore, and felt like a weight had lifted once we went our separate ways. I still occasionally run into these parents and we make small talk, which invariably turns to how wonderful and successful their kids are in high school and college. And I'm reminded again how glad I am not to feel I'm in competition with people like that.

My kids are the best people I know - funny, intelligent, interesting. They don't need to get straight As or awards to still be great kids.

[Anonymous]

If your friends don't know you well enough to know what's going on with your son, they're focusing a lot on themselves and not enough on you. And if they DO know what's going on with his struggles and are STILL bragging (whether directly or indirectly) about their kids, then they're not being good friends to you.

Have you told any of them how much your son has to struggle with? I have the high honor roll types of kids but only talk about that with other parents whose kids are in the same place. When I sense a kid is struggling I listen to them if they want to talk, or if they need to hear that my kid isn't perfect I'll tell them all about how she can't keep her room clean to save her life or something. Nobody's perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My child with moderate-severe ADHD and mild LDs has just started meds. We haven't yet reached a full dose, but the change has been remarkable, and my highly able but previously failing child is getting his self-esteem back.

I'm not saying meds are right for everyone, but it's something you should consider.

And I hate that phrase: "does poorly on tests". There are things, like ADHD or LDs or anxiety, that impact test-taking and need to be addressed, which I hope you are.

Good god! OP's post is not about a failing kid with low self-esteem and 'what do I do?'. I'm glad your kid is doing well on medication but you need to stop thinking it's what everyone needs.

Full disclosure: I've got 2 kids in MS/HS with ADHD/LD/Anxiety. Both have been on therapeutic doses of ADHD medication since mid-elementary school and have years of practicing CBT. They do very poorly on tests despite all these interventions and learned strategies. It's well documented in their IEPs that testing often does not accurately reflect their knowledge.

[Anonymous]

People also lie a lot. Our daughter was expelled from a school and caught shoplifting. Told all her friends that she switched schools because the old one wasn't academically challenging enough. Told all the relatives the same thing. That's what I realize that everyone else was lying too. Chances are that Suzy Creamcheese and her husband have some secrets about their kids as well.

It's kind of like a friend of mine told me her husband left her and all of a sudden her friends started talking about how shitty their marriages were. prior to that she never knew .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People also lie a lot. Our daughter was expelled from a school and caught shoplifting. Told all her friends that she switched schools because the old one wasn't academically challenging enough. Told all the relatives the same thing. That's what I realize that everyone else was lying too. Chances are that Suzy Creamcheese and her husband have some secrets about their kids as well.

It's kind of like a friend of mine told me her husband left her and all of a sudden her friends started talking about how shitty their marriages were. prior to that she never knew .

You sound very cynical because of your daughter's deceitful behavior to others. I hope you and she are getting some professional support. The OP is talking about kids' grades and how to handle the parents of high achievers not kids who have been expelled and masquerading as high achievers.

[Anonymous]

A lot of the high achivers are not really what they seem. You just do not know or hear about the dwi or the pot charges etc because parents do not talk about it. That is the point

[Anonymous]

Just like you do not hear about the plagiarism or cheating on tests that parents used their influence to hush up.

[Anonymous]

How should you handle friends like this? Feel sorry for their kids.

[Anonymous]

Believe only half of what you see and hear about other people's children. Never assume others are better off than you. You never know the truth.

~ Therapist

[Anonymous]

I'm a girl scout leader, I have really nice kids from good families in my troop. I've been surprised at how much the kids compare grades, MAP M and MAP R scores and accomplishments with each other all the time. There are no parents around, except me, and I overhear this when they are working in groups and chatting to each other. It's difficult because the child that is scoring less high appears to feel less than her peers. All I can do is talk about how everyone has their strengths, and sometimes you need to work harder and you can't give up.


I really don't think it has anything to do with parents, kids just naturally compare their accomplishments. I think you need to accept that your son is going to hear about grades from his friends and you need to prepare him for that interaction.

I know my oldest child is capable of A work in Math, and would want to know why he received a B+, if he made a B+ in English (not his strongest subject) I would be okay with that.

[Anonymous]

I can sympathize. My kid is a good student and bright but not super smart and also not naturally driven. Many of our friends' kids are on the Ivy league train while we will likely go the VA Tech, University of Maryland or something similar route. I just remind myself of all the good qualities my child has and also of the fact that both my husband and I went to mid-range state schools and are successful and happy. It helps that most of the parents we know aren't the braggy type but it still comes up in conversation. "Little so and so is taking 4 APs this year and is in Calculus as a sophomore." The fact that your child has some challenges makes the comparison game even more pointless. I know it is hard but try to just focus on their strengths and remind yourself that we live in an extraordinarily competitive and intellectual area of the country. Most of America is not doing what the kids in this area do in middle school and high school so your student is already ahead of the game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am coming to terms with the fact that my son may always be a B/C student. He tries hard, but has anxiety and does poorly on tests. He has other learning disabilities (mild) and ADHD. He also manages Type 1 Diabetes- which is very difficult. I know he is smart, and I firmly believe he will have a great future, once he hits college and can focus more on his interests. He is talented and well-spoken, so I really am not worried about him in the long run. We will find a college that is right for him. (Middle school currently) The hard thing, and I realize to some degree this is petty, is that honestly all of our friends have extraordinary kids. It's hard when we are together, and one says," I am not sure how to handle our son, XX, getting a B+ this quarter-- it's his first B" do I punish him? What should I do?" etc. you get the idea. These are kids who will do very well academically and have a lot of pressure on them to do well. Parents went to Ivy or near Ivy schools. My husband went to state schools, and I went to a very good college, but we know we are no brainiacs. We have found great success in our lives, and I believe our children will do in what they choose to focus on. (I have another child with pretty severe LDs but high IQ) This is a rambling way of saying not sure how to not let these comments get under my skin, but also not let the complete lack of perspective get in the way our friendships. Advice? Thanks.

It is annoying. And what I have learned is that often the parents exaggerate their child successes. Just this morning I spoke to a friend who told me her daughter got her report card and she got all A's. As the conversation continued, she revealed that her daughter got a B in Spanish and missed an A in history by 2 points.

do you and your friends have better things to talk about. It's so strange that your friend told you about her daughter's report card.