Are you allergic to cleaning products?

[Anonymous]

Asked my mother this weekend as she was visiting. To be fair, she said this in response to the topic of my sensitivity to dust. She asked if I am allergic to cleaning products as well.

My mother was basically a hoarder when I was growing up and now she likes to play Betty Crocker on visits. She gives me cleaning tips, like how to clean under the fridge and poo poos my sponges, saying I should put them in the dish washer (she was right about the sponges). But ultimately, what irks me deeply is that I am not allowed to hint at the kind of upbringing my siblings and I had. A couple years ago in response to overhearing my brother mention our dysfunctional childhood, she said she wished she never had children. She had a hissy fit for about a month.

So, my mother says some subtle thing about how the counter is smudged and I see red. In response to the initial comment, I told her MY house is clean and it got that way because I use cleaning products. But I know the narrative will be that I lost my cool and that I snapped at her without provocation. So, I felt guilty and awful and angry all at once. I don't really know how to reconcile these feelings with the reality of my mother's stubborn revisionism. I can't talk about it to my siblings either because they want to take the high road and not live in the past. Her mother was just like her, she set the tone, everyone just basked in her charisma and ignored the abuse. Anyway, I'm glad to get that out.

[Anonymous]

I don't really know how to reconcile these feelings with the reality of my mother's stubborn revisionism

I call my mother on shit like this. Drives me fucking nuts! My father was a horrifically abusive man who made our lives hell. Best thing that ever happened to me was his death - seriously! Yet, my mother looks back fondly on my childhood and will occasionally make comments about my DH who, though he has flaws and can get on my nerves, is NOTHING like my father. WTF! Are we remembering the same childhood and the same man?

(sigh - calming breath) When this happens, I remind my mother that it's difficult for me to think fondly of those times because I was either waiting for the shoe to drop (ie, my father raging) or that it was a great cake but too bad the old man smashed it before we got any of it (or too bad he fed the T-day turkey to the dogs or threw out the Christmas tree or I had to wear long sleeves to cover the bruises,....). I can't let it go but I try not to get worked up about it. I imagine as she gets older, her mind tries to re-form those memories because they're weighing on her. I'm just not at a place where I can assist her with that.

[Anonymous]

Parents don't want to hear how they let you down, even those not in denial. And honestly, who would? What do you gain out of shutting your mother down with those reminders? You're using her mental illness and how it manifested in the past to dismiss her today. Why? What are you gaining from that? Is that actually how you want to deal with it or is it a knee-jerk defensive reaction that isn't getting you what you want, but is just further alienating your mother?

[Anonymous]

My mom is a hoarder too, OP. I completely understand the hypocrisy that comes with the territory. It's a deep seated mental illness. Your mom will never come "clean" as it were.

[Anonymous]

I am not following this. Yes, I am allergic to cleaning products. Many people are. Try using baking soda and vinegar or the whole foods unscented products like seventh generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not following this. Yes, I am allergic to cleaning products. Many people are. Try using baking soda and vinegar or the whole foods unscented products like seventh generation.

You are absolutely right! The subject was completely unrelated to my rant. Thanks for the advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't really know how to reconcile these feelings with the reality of my mother's stubborn revisionism

I call my mother on shit like this. Drives me fucking nuts! My father was a horrifically abusive man who made our lives hell. Best thing that ever happened to me was his death - seriously! Yet, my mother looks back fondly on my childhood and will occasionally make comments about my DH who, though he has flaws and can get on my nerves, is NOTHING like my father. WTF! Are we remembering the same childhood and the same man?

(sigh - calming breath) When this happens, I remind my mother that it's difficult for me to think fondly of those times because I was either waiting for the shoe to drop (ie, my father raging) or that it was a great cake but too bad the old man smashed it before we got any of it (or too bad he fed the T-day turkey to the dogs or threw out the Christmas tree or I had to wear long sleeves to cover the bruises,....). I can't let it go but I try not to get worked up about it. I imagine as she gets older, her mind tries to re-form those memories because they're weighing on her. I'm just not at a place where I can assist her with that.

God, that's all I wanted. Thank you for understanding and sharing! I talked to friends but no one gets it. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents don't want to hear how they let you down, even those not in denial. And honestly, who would? What do you gain out of shutting your mother down with those reminders? You're using her mental illness and how it manifested in the past to dismiss her today. Why? What are you gaining from that? Is that actually how you want to deal with it or is it a knee-jerk defensive reaction that isn't getting you what you want, but is just further alienating your mother?

She didn't exactly "let me down" she neglected me as a young child, abused me, left my young siblings and I alone many times. One of these times our house burnt down. That is scratching the surface. It's bigger than a "let me down" situation. Underneath the criticism over my poor domestic skills is the pain of not being able to even talk about my childhood, the reality of it. When she pretends to be this person, and it is an act, the mendacity of the whole situation, the fact that we are all lying about how we grew up feels so false and painful. I don't want to hurt my mom. I just want us all to be able to reflect on real events. Stuff that makes you laugh it was so ridiculous. That's how my siblings talked about it, not as a shameful past but as an absurd shared experience. Now, we feel like talking about it is a betrayal and I think it is so unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Just ignore. Ignore, ignore, ignore some more. Do not engage, do not respond, do not argue. You are not going to make her see the light here. You know that this is about her, and not about you. If you want to talk about your childhood honestly, talk to your siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents don't want to hear how they let you down, even those not in denial. And honestly, who would? What do you gain out of shutting your mother down with those reminders? You're using her mental illness and how it manifested in the past to dismiss her today. Why? What are you gaining from that? Is that actually how you want to deal with it or is it a knee-jerk defensive reaction that isn't getting you what you want, but is just further alienating your mother?

That'd be fine, but you left out the bits where the mother is NOW criticizing OP for not living up to some high level of cleanliness.

It works both ways here.