Holiday Guilt
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Anonymous
| Anyone been here before and have advice? I called my mom the other night to tell her that we were planning to go to CA this year for Christmas to visit my in-laws. My family lives down in FL and we have traveled down there every single year for over 10 years to visit them for Christmas. The only year we did not go was when my DS1 was only a few weeks old. I told my mom that we would come for Thanksgiving this year and could plan another long weekend to celebrate Christmas in January, but she was very hostile and claimed my husband was trying to keep me away from my "family". I'm baffled at her response to my news - I truly thought she would be supportive - especially since we were going to make a planned trip down there in three weeks for Thanksgiving - a holiday we typically don't travel for. She told me on the phone not to bother to come for Thanksgiving - that she was making plans to visit her father who is out of state (something she has never done). I don't know what to believe, but am feeling so much guilt for my decision. I understand my mom is hurt that she won't get to see the grandbabies on Christmas day, but it's just a day and we plan to be there sooner. What's the big deal? Am I in the wrong? |
Anonymous
| Tell her to STFU and your going to enjoy Christmas with your man as a wife should |
Anonymous
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Don't worry about it - she is old and old people don't do well with change. Let her come to terms with this and see if she calms down in a week.
You KNOW you're not in the wrong. |
Anonymous
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No advice, just hugs OP. I'm the OP of the elitist thread. My mom would way overreact about just this sort of thing. It really sucks to be the kid trying to please people.
Do you find your mom is getting way more sensitive/dramatic as she ages? I think mine is... |
Anonymous
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I get it. This would be something my mom would hold against me for decades.
You are not wrong. She is hurt and doesn't know how to properly express herself without being childish and ridiculous. |
Anonymous
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I'd call her out on it. "Mom the guilt trip isn't fair. We've been with your for the last 9 out of 10 Christmases. This year, we decided to see DH's family. How can you claim that isn't fair to you when they've seen us for ZERO Xmas days?".
Though, for my family, this would be incredibly late to be making Tday/Xmas plans. We normally talk about who will go where on our beach vacation. If you were making a change to a long standing tradition, sometimes it's easier if you let people know WAY in advance so they can make other plans. It's not a requirement, it just makes things easier when everyone knows what to expect. |
Anonymous
+1 to all of this. Kind and loving but reasonable response to her hurt. |
Anonymous
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Your mom is off her rocker. If anything your inlaws should be upset you haven't rotated Christmases with them. I never understand always going to one family for Christmas.
We've done every other Christmas since we were married. Lots of bickering about it in the beginning, but now it's easier. Why aren't your parents driving up to you? You're the one with kids. |
Anonymous
Isn't it kind of late to be figuring this stuff out? Were you scared to tell your mom or what? It sounds like your mom is used to having more than her fair share of holiday time--I mean, why would you fly down for Thanskgiving and then again at a different time for Christmas? Why not just one? But as for what to do: Tell your mom that you'll miss her for Thanksgiving and offer a couple long weekend options for you to visit in Dec or Jan and ask which works best for her. Let her deal with her feelings. And stop feeling so guilty! Alternating holidays is a normal thing--and frankly if your ILs have never ever been with you on Christmas all these years, spare a little guilt for them. |
Anonymous
| Yeah, the timing is short. Maybe you shouldn't announce that you are coming for Thanksgiving but maybe ask her instead if that would work for her? Where does that leave her on Christmas in terms of company? You have a right to have it with your inlaws of course, but at least be cognizant if your mom feels as if your family is kind of the center of her Christmas. It sounds like you just tossed this change to a long-standing tradition as if it were no big deal, but it is a big deal to her. You should go where you want, but just be more sensitive to your mom and her disappointments. |
Anonymous
NP here. Amen. Mine is getting more dramatic by the year. We're going to have our own personal operas at the Kennedy Center by the time she hits 70. OP, I feel ya. You can't please everyone, especially when you have your own family. It's ok if your mother isn't the center of your universe; she has to accept that. Seems some grandparents feel they are owed experiences all the time as grandparents. My mom tried to pull that Christmas is HERE with your parents every year sh$t after I got married. Didn't work. Your mom has to accept that your life changed after getting married. |
Anonymous
| Op, she is panicky, desperate and lashing out. She is hurt. BUT - Mom does not need to be accommodated. You do not have to address irrational arguments. Hopefully she will cool down but she probably needs time and space to cool down. I would not try anymore discussion for a while. You did nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with your plans. Don't you over think this - you don't want to rick losing your confidence over this in dealing with Mom. Her details and explanations/reasons do not matter - if is perfectly reasonable for you to make your own plans, plans that may change year to year. I'd say if you have more problems with these outburst, about this visit or other visits/issues, then break the future news via an email. |
Anonymous
| Tell her how do you think the other side feel for you not visiting them for the past 10 years for Christmas. It has to be split. |
Anonymous
| please do not give in to her temper tantrum , frankly I wonder how your husband and inlaws have felt not getting one Christmas in 10 years. |
Anonymous
| Hi All. Thanks for your comments and advice. Honestly, we just started to plan this. Normally his mom flies into town over Thanksgiving to spend the holiday with us but can't this year because of family illnesses and lack of paid time off. I didn't think about it from the standpoint of the holidays being just around the corner and my mom being caught off guard. I understand I should have given more notice, I guess I just thought celebrating "Christmas" another long weekend would suffice. I'm an only child so maybe she is also upset because it will just be her and my dad alone on the actual holiday? I just wish things wouldn't be so complicated. I hate this nagging feeling of guilt like I did something wrong. |