What to do to get DW self-esteem back?

[Anonymous]

DW has no self-esteem. She has no social life and few friends. She is aware of it and knows exactly what in her family dynamic that caused it. She won't do anything to help herself... read a book or see someone to talk it over. It seems like no encouragement or emotional support I give makes a difference. I did not see it before or after being married. She eventually brought it up to explain her behavior. I'm more outgoing and adventurous so it is a dividing us.

Can she get her esteem back and how? What has worked for you?

[Anonymous]

I think you answered your own question when you said "It seems like no encouragement or emotional support I give makes a difference".

[Anonymous]

Does she hang out with you and your friends?

[Anonymous]

Why is it dividing you?

[Anonymous]

OP

What is the divide.. she wants solitary activities, no competition, almost fun free. We do those together, but I'm naturally more outgoing enjoy more adventurous, doing new things, meeting friends but she doesn't enjoy that... as if she is afraid to put herself out there. So she will stay home a lot and we share less of our lives.

Hanging with my friends... no she doesn't. she doesn't like get togethers at our home so seeing my friends is rare for her.

Nothing I do helps... that's why I'm hoping for some ideas here!

[Anonymous]

Change has to come from within. Sounds like she doesnt see a problem and doesnt want to change. Not sure what you can do here .

[Anonymous]

For starters, what you guys need is balance. You are not going to make your wife more like you, and trying to do so is likely to make her self esteem issues worse, not better. It sounds like your heart is in the right place, though.

So for starters, it sounds like get togethers need to happen in some kind of neutral ground. My husband, who is socially anxious, does a lot better with social activities that have some kind of a purpose. A party for the sake of a party stresses him out. Maybe you and your wife could go see a movie with one other couple and then go out to dinner afterward. Seeing the movie first will give her something specific to talk about at dinner.

Also, listen to her about the things she enjoys. When you say "solitary activities" what does that mean? When you say you are adventurous, what kind of activities are you talking about?

I like people, but the idea of a competitive activity with friends does not sound like fun to me. Maybe if you gave some examples of things you like doing that she dislikes as well as some things that she likes doing, that would get more suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, been busy and was thinking over your kind replies...

Anonymous wrote:Change has to come from within. Sounds like she doesnt see a problem and doesnt want to change. Not sure what you can do here.

I had been thinking that before, but want to keep trying. It is my worst fear, that she is happy to be a shut-in and prefers living through Facebook.

Anonymous wrote:
For starters, what you guys need is balance. You are not going to make your wife more like you, and trying to do so is likely to make her self esteem issues worse, not better. It sounds like your heart is in the right place, though.

So for starters, it sounds like get together need to happen in some kind of neutral ground. My husband, who is socially anxious, does a lot better with social activities that have some kind of a purpose. A party for the sake of a party stresses him out. Maybe you and your wife could go see a movie with one other couple and then go out to dinner afterward. Seeing the movie first will give her something specific to talk about at dinner.

Also, listen to her about the things she enjoys. When you say "solitary activities" what does that mean? When you say you are adventurous, what kind of activities are you talking about?

I like people, but the idea of a competitive activity with friends does not sound like fun to me. Maybe if you gave some examples of things you like doing that she dislikes as well as some things that she likes doing, that would get more suggestions.

A movie with a couple is a good idea. We haven't had a night out with friends in about 5 years, so I had forgotten!

Not trying to make her into another me, and I haven't pushed other than suggest things to do and get shot down. She has her hobbies, I have mine. I think we have some balance and that isn't pushing us apart. Perhaps, it's more of the difference in our personalities.

Socially, she is a wall flower at parties... she's smart and can talk, but won't. I think people see it's odd and uncomfortable seeing me involving her only to get a yes/no/polite smile. She won't go to concerts or games (the bleachers), and paintball, laser tag, even air hockey... anything like that is out for her. I get it, those are not her thing, though I think it may go too far, an unhealthy anti-competitive side to her. I'm burnt out on walks in the neighborhood or countryside... her only outdoor activity.

To put it in words, I feel abandoned and think she is okay with that. That worries me for what her perspective is towards our relationship. Sure we need to discuss it together, but I'm dreading that.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this difference but it is on my mind enough to post here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, been busy and was thinking over your kind replies...

Anonymous wrote:Change has to come from within. Sounds like she doesnt see a problem and doesnt want to change. Not sure what you can do here.

I had been thinking that before, but want to keep trying. It is my worst fear, that she is happy to be a shut-in and prefers living through Facebook.

Anonymous wrote:
For starters, what you guys need is balance. You are not going to make your wife more like you, and trying to do so is likely to make her self esteem issues worse, not better. It sounds like your heart is in the right place, though.

So for starters, it sounds like get together need to happen in some kind of neutral ground. My husband, who is socially anxious, does a lot better with social activities that have some kind of a purpose. A party for the sake of a party stresses him out. Maybe you and your wife could go see a movie with one other couple and then go out to dinner afterward. Seeing the movie first will give her something specific to talk about at dinner.

Also, listen to her about the things she enjoys. When you say "solitary activities" what does that mean? When you say you are adventurous, what kind of activities are you talking about?

I like people, but the idea of a competitive activity with friends does not sound like fun to me. Maybe if you gave some examples of things you like doing that she dislikes as well as some things that she likes doing, that would get more suggestions.

A movie with a couple is a good idea. We haven't had a night out with friends in about 5 years, so I had forgotten!

Not trying to make her into another me, and I haven't pushed other than suggest things to do and get shot down. She has her hobbies, I have mine. I think we have some balance and that isn't pushing us apart. Perhaps, it's more of the difference in our personalities.

Socially, she is a wall flower at parties... she's smart and can talk, but won't. I think people see it's odd and uncomfortable seeing me involving her only to get a yes/no/polite smile. She won't go to concerts or games (the bleachers), and paintball, laser tag, even air hockey... anything like that is out for her. I get it, those are not her thing, though I think it may go too far, an unhealthy anti-competitive side to her. I'm burnt out on walks in the neighborhood or countryside... her only outdoor activity.

To put it in words, I feel abandoned and think she is okay with that. That worries me for what her perspective is towards our relationship. Sure we need to discuss it together, but I'm dreading that.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this difference but it is on my mind enough to post here!

What is her logic in living through social media instead of making real contact with friends (in person)? Is she one of those that has to comment on 75% of her news feed and post 20 times a day too?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, your help might be pressuring her. Making her feel more inadequate and unhappy. Let her be. My ex used to be so critical of me, that he destroyed any confidence I had in my self. I didn't realize it at the time, and he was so subtle about it. But I started not believing in my self, I'd feel less smart, less attractive, less funny and slowly stopped wanting to hang out with anyone. ANYWAY, let her be. Build her up. Let her feel that she is smart, funny, attractive, of interest. Let her feel good about who she is. That will make things better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, your help might be pressuring her. Making her feel more inadequate and unhappy. Let her be. My ex used to be so critical of me, that he destroyed any confidence I had in my self. I didn't realize it at the time, and he was so subtle about it. But I started not believing in my self, I'd feel less smart, less attractive, less funny and slowly stopped wanting to hang out with anyone. ANYWAY, let her be. Build her up. Let her feel that she is smart, funny, attractive, of interest. Let her feel good about who she is. That will make things better.

Sorry to hear your story. I don't think I've been pushy and have it backfire, she's not changed, that I've noticed. Just bringing it up may backfire. I hate to think leaving well enough alone is the best course. That may be as good as it can get but I just want more of her in my life.

[Anonymous]

What if you put the ball more in her court? Make a general "ask" but let her set the parameters. I.e. My friends John and Joan are coming to town and I want us to all go out - what do you think would be fun? OR I'd really like to do something for Halloween. Would you prefer a party or perhaps just going out with a few friends? I think it is not unreasonable for you to insist that she socializes with you from time to time, but everyone is going to be a lot happier if she can select situations in which she is more comfortable.

Also, do you or she have family in the area? She may be more comfortable/interested in getting out and about with folks she already knows and loves.

Finally, you are couching a lot of this as if she is deliberately deciding not to talk, to be a wallflower. I would bet dollars to donuts that she is shy and/or has social anxiety so she is not just "choosing" to be reserved.

[Anonymous]

Has she changed, OP, or has she always been this way and it has grown to bother you?

She sounds like an introvert, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and there is nothing you (or anyone) can do to get her to enjoy things like parties or gatherings. Introverts can do things they don't enjoy and that make them anxious and unhappy for the people they love, though, and most of us do, balancing those things with the solitary activities that recharge us.

As an introvert, it is really hard to have extroverts say things like I need to "get out of my shell," "move out of my comfort zone," "be more social." I actually don't need to do those things any more than extroverts need to stay in more, keep their mouths shut, and isolate themselves. Your post is really touching, OP, and I think you are probably a lovely husband, but it is clear that you think your DW would be a happier, better person if she liked parties and such. That is true only if she is suffering from depression or something now, and if her baseline is a more outgoing nature she should get back to. If her baseline is introverted...you may not be fully compatible socially. That's okay, too, but you have to work harder to find things you both enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has she changed, OP, or has she always been this way and it has grown to bother you?

She sounds like an introvert, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and there is nothing you (or anyone) can do to get her to enjoy things like parties or gatherings. Introverts can do things they don't enjoy and that make them anxious and unhappy for the people they love, though, and most of us do, balancing those things with the solitary activities that recharge us.

As an introvert, it is really hard to have extroverts say things like I need to "get out of my shell," "move out of my comfort zone," "be more social." I actually don't need to do those things any more than extroverts need to stay in more, keep their mouths shut, and isolate themselves. Your post is really touching, OP, and I think you are probably a lovely husband, but it is clear that you think your DW would be a happier, better person if she liked parties and such. That is true only if she is suffering from depression or something now, and if her baseline is a more outgoing nature she should get back to. If her baseline is introverted...you may not be fully compatible socially. That's okay, too, but you have to work harder to find things you both enjoy.

+1000. PP is spot on. You should read "Quiet." She sounds like a classy introvert. You see this an issue because you are an extrovert. I know that because my mom is like your wife. No matter what I do, she prefers to stay at home. It's frustrating but I have come to accept our differences.

[Anonymous]

How often does she see/interact with her family?