The Dad Privilege Checklist
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Anonymous
Is arguing in bad faith a full time job or just a dedicated hobby for you? Of course it's not up to me to decide who cares about what. The point is that this conversation is not about whether you need to have Thanksgiving on real plates or paper plates. It's about the fact that making holidays special requires some effort and actually serves an important social/family purpose. |
Anonymous
So the societal judgement boils down to the judgement of your own MIL, your own kids, and yourself. This sounds like a “you” problem. |
Anonymous
You behave like this on the internet because if you talk to people IRL this way, they would commit acts of violence against you. I just want to make sure you understand this. |
Anonymous
Honestly I don’t understand. Behave like what? Engaging in conversation? |
Anonymous
Where did I say that? |
Anonymous
That's not how I read it. I read it as "My husband isn't/I am not like this, so it's offensive to say that all men are." But whatever, people will read things with their own lenses on so there's no point in arguing about it. I don't think it's offensive to point out that some men are useless. But I don't think that was the premise of the article, at least not how I read it with my lenses on. You can spin what I said however you want, but you're really reaching. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
Are Worker 1 and Worker 2 identical twins with the exact same personalities, education, and experience? If not, then it may make sense to have them perform different tasks related to their skill sets. My best friend and I have been friends for almost 40 years. We are similar in a lot of ways but we could 100% not do each other's jobs. And that's not due to lack of intelligence or even education, and we actually held the exact same job at one point! But our current jobs play to our real strengths and there is no way we could switch jobs and be successful. So one flaw in your hypothetical is that Worker 1 may have a skillset that equates to being good at handling order, etc., and Worker 2 has a skillset that means they are good at the physical labor part. If they're both working 40 hours a week, and they're both ok with what they're doing, then who cares? In your hypothetical, Worker 2 gets all the praise because they're the ones who are out and about. Does that matter to you? My husband dropped off and picked our kids up at sleepaway camp about four hours away last year. I couldn't care less if all the parent thought that meant he had also done all the planning or that he was a great dad. I didn't need anyone to send me a medal acknowledging the work I had done in researching and enrolling them in the camp. Maybe you do need the external validation, and I guess that's ok, but I don't think it's universal. You're saying that using brain power to accomplish a task is more valuable than actual time spent doing something. I happen to disagree. If my husband spends three hours researching a new appliance for us and finding the best price and ordering it and that takes him 2 hours, but then I am the one home when the delivery guys come and then I stock the new fridge with groceries that we ordered jointly and were delivered when I was home and that takes me 2 hours, does he get more credit for the fridge than I do? Why? I get that some things can take equal amounts of time but have different effects. For example, spending two hours sitting in my car doing crossword puzzles and listening to an audiobook is not the same (nor as draining) as spending two hours making small talk with people I barely know on the sidelines of a kid's soccer game. But for my husband the reverse could be true - what if he were an extrovert and the idea of chit chatting with other parents sounded exciting but the idea of sitting in the car waiting sounded miserable? You can't use two different metrics to compare things and then complain that nothing is ever equal. Or rather, you can, but it sounds like you'll just make yourself miserable. |
Anonymous
I mean, I don't even know how many different ways it can be explained to you. Did you even read the article? It either states "men" or "almost all" men. It never says *some* men. It implies that this is how men are. They are offered a privilege and they take advantage of it. Some of us who are the daughters, wives, or mothers of men who aren't like that have said that it's a gross generalization. You ask about the point of the thread? How about noting what you're doing to combat the issue? It seems like a lot of the women on here who complain that their husbands check many of these boxes just say well that's the way it is. Someone suggested pushing back on something (vacuuming, making food for MIL, eating on china plates) and just not doing it and then everyone says oh no no no those things are all required. So what's your solution? |
Anonymous
So stop playing the game! I mean, if you don't, how is that not partially your fault? Yes, your husband is worthless and it's his fault that he can't/won't do anything. But isn't it also your fault that you keep letting him win the game of chicken? You can't control someone else, but you can control what you do. |
Anonymous
Why are you so afraid to say that it's your husband and in-laws that are placing the imposition on you? They're being inconsiderate. You raised the issue to your husband and he didn't care. That's obviously a problem, but you married him and are apparently going to remain married to him, so take some agency and do what you need to do to make things better for you. You can absolutely take your work elsewhere and ignore the houseguests that aren't yours. Who cares if they're upset? It wasn't on you to host them! Do people walk all over you at work as well? In your friendships? |
Anonymous
"We went to their house once for thanksgiving and it was on Paper plates" "[We] ate pizza off of paper towels" "served pizza on a paper plate" I could keep going but hopefully you get the idea... The quality of the plates was literally the issue being discussed. Welcome to the conversation. Some of the best times I've spent with people have had zero effort and no planning. Spontaneous get togethers happen a lot and can be wonderful. If you want to spend hours curating the perfect Thanksgiving tablescape, go ahead. The rest of us will enjoy being together with loved ones and not focusing on what we're eating or how cute the napkin holders are. |
Anonymous
One task is brain power, stress/accountability, PLUS time. The other is mostly just time. If the person doing all the planning and logistics screws up, they might wind up without childcare for the summer, spending twice as much money as they want to, or dealing with a super long commute to camp. If they miss deadlines, fail to follow up with paperwork, don't price compare, etc., there are major consequences for the family. Even one seemingly small mistake could be costly. The person driving kids to camp would either have to make a catastrophic mistake (car accident) or make the same mistake over and over and over to have the same negative impact. Even if they were late every single day to camp... Oh well. And your example with your friend doesn't make sense in this context. Sure, two experienced professionals could not easily trade places in different jobs. They both do specialized work that requires special skills and experience. But driving kids to camp is not that. Likely either parent is capable of doing that. But the person doing planning/logistics/budgeting is less easily replaced. The planning job is more important than the driving job. Yet it is often ignored or discounted as imaginary so that if you ONLY focus on the more straightforward, visible aspects of parenting, it appears both partners are doing roughly equal work. But they are not. One is doing this vital, challenging, stressful piece without acknowledgement. Thus: inequality. |
Anonymous
Who said anything about disproving dad privilege? What about combating it? That's the point of these posts. |
Anonymous
You are fixating in a detail and missing the big picture. The PPs are not referencing paper towels or paper plates because real plates are vital. They are using this as a shorthand way if describing a situation where someone has failed to put any effort or forethought into planning a family visit or holiday. Truly, it is not about the plates. |