The Dad Privilege Checklist

[Anonymous]

The list posted by OP is utter codswallop.

[Anonymous]

My husband has most of these. Denying it is asinine. The main one is the paid work. Not an excuse for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Certainly there are lazy men, but more often than not the call is coming from inside the house. Reminds me of the recent thread where the OP (a woman) was mad that her SIL - not her brother! - didn't serve her tea and sliced cheese immediately upon arrival.

This is great

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find it here: https://zawn.substack.com/p/the-dad-privilege-checklist

Please read the checklist and return for a conversation about it. I want to hear from others about their own experiences with coparenting their children with the children's dad.

What a load of horse$hit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, all of this is made easier if mom stays home with the children and dad makes more money to compensate. I know it’s an unpopular sentiment, but most women would feel much less resentment if they dropped work to focus their efforts (when the children are young) on raising them and let their DH work harder to cover the bills.

So you think the only function women should have once they become mothers is to solely focus on being a mom? Why is that fair? Women have talents, skills and brains that society can benefit from! Why can Dads be dads and also productive members of society!

You do know the story of Japan? Women are choosing not to become mothers because of the unequal treatment of women! I am not encouraging my dds to become mothers! If the population dies out so be it.

I’m saying that mothers would be much happier if the focused solely on being moms when their children are young. They very well may have talents/brain/skills society can benefit from, but the discussion about happiness and purpose are two separate ones. The vast majority of career women have jobs, not careers, and it is ironic that women supporting feminism parrot the incredulous lie that working 45 hours per week as Regional Sales Manager to Management is worth more to women than being home with their child. It is certainly worth more to your company that you spend those hours click-clacking on your laptop, but it won’t make you happier. I think the female resentment is symptomatic that some women are waking up like “what the hell am I doing, getting sucked dry for $35/hr?” but the market absolutely cannot allow her to consider quitting so - quick! - blame her DH and they can fight about who cleans gutters so that no one stops and says “wait, who is actually getting all our time?”

Why should moms be the ones who stay at home when the children are young? What makes you think they find dealing with infants anymore fulfilling than dads do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, all of this is made easier if mom stays home with the children and dad makes more money to compensate. I know it’s an unpopular sentiment, but most women would feel much less resentment if they dropped work to focus their efforts (when the children are young) on raising them and let their DH work harder to cover the bills.

Were I a highly paid professional who had quit my job to stay at home with a kid because my husband couldn't step the f--k up and do his fair share, I'd be more resentful, not less.

Why should the woman have to stay home and not the dad? Why is the woman's opportunity to exercise her intellect and talent any less important than the man's? Why shouldn't men be equally engaged with their children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a good dad and a good husband but reading that list he does have a lot of "privilege." He does a lot of playing w/ the kids, reading to the kids, giving kids baths, taking kids to bed, taking kids to the park to play. But he has never made a Dr. or dentist appt for the kids (or taken them solo to the Dr. or dentist), planned a bday party, RSVPd to a bday party invite, planned a play date or social engagement for the kids, registered the kids for school or activities (although he is often the one to take them to the activities), he doesn't buy the kids clothing or school supplies. I don't know. I'm OK w/ that. I don't mind handling all of the above and it works for our family.

It's meal planning and cooking and making school lunches that I hate. And he does all of those tasks. That more than makes up for all the other things, for me.

This division seems reasonably equitable in that your husband takes on the bulk of daily responsibilities. The problem for most moms is that they do all of the above and their spouses do none of it even though both parents work full-time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This again guys? Look, we know there are some men out there who do 50% or more. But they are rare. Actual, objective research time and time again shows women do more domestic labor even if they also work outside the home. The whole “default parent” thing is true for many of us.

What resonated most for me on the list is the freedom men have to just assume the mom will handle things. Even if the dad does some of the things on that list 9/10 the mom has set it up or monitors it in some way. I happen to have an extreme version of default parenting that has led to divorce. At the end of the day, it was his complete freedom vs my complete lack of freedom that really soured me, more than the actual work I had to do. Time and time again, being treated like the maid, chef and nanny as he just … walked out the door to do whatever tf he wanted to do … really got demoralizing

Everyone criticizing this list should check out the innumerable threads on this site written by women who want a divorce but are reluctant to do so because their spouses would then have sole custody half the time and cannot be counted on to take care of their children's needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:The article would be better if there were a list of things that women don’t have to worry about.

Cleaning the gutters? I mean, as long as she can call someone else to do it.

Otherwise, go ahead and list them.

Never worry about the grass getting cut

Never has to discuss whether the tires need to be rotated

Never gives actors sound in the car a 2nd thought

Doesn’t know the vets name or even where they are

Never worry about lightbulbs

Never need to replace a light switch or ceiling fan

Don’t worry about the kids learning an instrument since he teaches them that

Don’t need to talk sorta (though I can but not to the level they care to)

Never edited a paper

Mousetraps

Never even need to understand how to trim a tree

Have no clue what indigenous plants are

Never split wood

Never started a fire

Don’t clean cars

Never grilled anything ever

No clue what days the trash goes to the curb

No idea how to get large trash pickups

Never made coffee


I could obviously learn or do all these but I don’t need to

In what universe do only men edit papers? How bizarre.

And I am a woman and I do most of these things. The point is that incompetence is never attractive. Imagine not knowing how to do a large trash pickup, when trash day is, etc.

DP. I've never met a man who cared if his wife could handle a large trash pickup or clean out a mousetrap. I've known plenty of women who could, probably most, but I've never sat around with my dad friends wondering why our wives aren't the ones cleaning up dead animals around the house.

I am a wife and exclusively handle garbage pick up, including bulk pickup. I also manage the yard and do most of the small repairs around the house, and book someone if it's beyond my ability. I make sure the filters around the house get changed regularly, and I handle oil changes and gasing up the car, plus I'm the only one who ever vacuums out the car or wipes down the interior.

But go ahead and ask my husband about the last time he booked a hotel for a vacation, volunteered at the kid's school, spoke to our child's doctor, cut our child's fingernails, arranged camp or any childcare, etc.? The answer is either "years" or "never."

The reason women sit around talking about how men never do a lot of this stuff is because men truly never do it. You guys can't sit around talking about how women aren't doing these supposedly "manly" tasks because most of you aren't doing them! My DH has never, ever cleaned up a dead animal around the house! We recently had a vent cover fall off the exterior of the house and bird set up a nest in there and I handled the whole damn thing -- getting the nest out, attaching a new cover, etc. DH said he'd do it but then said he didn't know where to start and could I help, and in the end he just stood around while I did it.

The bean counting over petty tasks that are really women's work to begin with is absurd.

PP: The fact that you think there is such a thing as "women's work" tells me all I need to know about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad here. I find the list incredibly insulting.

Granted, my wife works longer hours than I do, and as a result I probably do more than most fathers, but still:

“If I experience any stress at all while my partner is recovering from giving birth, people will tell her to do more for me. No one will ever tell me to do more for her, no matter how much she does or how little I do.” This is just arrant nonsense…

I agree that this is far fetched and ridiculous but I also believe it's happened to some women.

Curious that he would be insulted by the women saying yes, this is my reality - instead of being mad at his fellow dads who are engaging in the behavior.

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think women just have higher standards and tend to perfectionism. Most of us have a feeling of never being good enough and yes, wanting other women not to judge us. Men don't do that with regard to parenting.
When I took a new job I was crying about being overwhelmed and my husband's idea was to "let it go". "It doesn't matter if the house isn't totally clean, it looks just fine to me." "It doesn't matter if we eat frozen pizza 3 times a week, you don't need to cook gourmet meals all the time." I want my kids to eat healthy dinners and use a clean bathroom! I want him to help me reach my standards, not lower them.

Oh dear. Wanting to eat more than frozen pizza and not having a filthy bathroom is not “perfectionism.” It’s an extremely minimal basic level.

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:And then there are your kids, who hear your spiteful arguments about who "has" to deal with them today.

Start a therapy coin jar now.

Who is arguing about this in front of their kids?

Also, a lot of this is not about spending time with kids. It's about doing the work that goes into keeping the house running. If a child overhears his mom telling his dad "I need you to step up and help with getting the kids ready for school this year, including registering and going to the teacher meet and greet and getting supplies and updating uniforms," that's a GOOD thing for a child to hear. They are learning that there is more to having kids than just chatting with them at dinner, and also that their mother expects their father to be an equal partner in that work.

Now, if the dad's response is "uuuuuugh, I hate that stuff. You're so much better at it. Can you do it?" Well, that's going to communicate something pretty depressing to the kids. But the problem there is not that mom asked her husband to do more. It's that he does not value his kids enough to do it.

Actually, what they’re learning from the bolded is that this stuff really *is* Mom’s domain, which is why SHE is the one in charge and delegating tasks to her underling, their Dad. This dynamic is what eventually leads to all the complaints about language involving Dad “helping out” with raising his own kids.

Then what do you suggest a woman whose partner DOES NOT do this stuff without being asked/forced to, do?

The only way this changes is if men actually start doing more of this. But look at this thread. It's a bunch of men claiming they already do and the list is misogynist (despite study after study showing that women do far more childcare and housework than men and have less leisure time), women claiming their husbands already do all this (again, despite ample evidence that this is not the norm). and then both groups claiming that IF there are marriages where the woman is doing a lot more than the man, it's probably her fault anyway for either picking the wrong man or failing to properly delegate/invite him to help/ask in the right way/bing to controlling/etc. No matter what, it is never, ever the man's fault that his wife is doing 70-100% of the chilcare/housework related tasks. So what motive do men have to actually change their ways? People will bend over backwards to blame their wives anyway.

And now a woman who speaks up and says "you need to do this" is damaging her kids, either by making it sound like she doesn't love every minute of unpaid labor she does on behalf of her family, or reinforcing the idea that this is her job and her husband is just a "helper."

So, what is the solution?

The solution is not to reproduce. Women in South Korea and Japan already have taken a stand on this issue. We're wrecking the planet anyway. But if people insist, I like a PP's idea of putting together a spreadsheet of all responsibilities and dividing them up between partners (and while the spreadsheet is no guarantee of follow-through, I think that people who are reluctant to work together with their SOs in this way are showing red flags about themselves and are not partner material. So ideally the spreadsheet should be done at the beginning of co-habitation, way before making it official). Next, I think there is something to having one healthy, capable kid (yes, there is always the possibility that the child won't be healthy and/or will be disabled, but a lot of the more common disabilities and conditions are screenable or foreseeable--so many parents on this site talk about the difficulties of having kids with autism and/or ADHD, for example, as if this outcome weren't a predictable result of marrying and procreating with a spouse who has one or both). One child is simply less work and requires fewer resources in the form of time and money than two or more, resulting in a better balance for the entire family.

[Anonymous]

I am a stepmom. My husband does about 80% of the things on this list. The kids mom moved across the country and does not financially support them and she only sees them once or twice a year. Hasn’t seen them in eight months. This started when they were about 13. She doesn’t do Jack, except criticize their father to them while he does 99 percent of the parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a stepmom. My husband does about 80% of the things on this list. The kids mom moved across the country and does not financially support them and she only sees them once or twice a year. Hasn’t seen them in eight months. This started when they were about 13. She doesn’t do Jack, except criticize their father to them while he does 99 percent of the parenting.

It sounds like your stepchildren’s mother is dealing with some kind of mental or physical illness.
We aren’t really talking about outliers here. Or “deadbeat dads.”

This thread is about normal moms and dads engaging in societally sanctioned behavior. Moms have higher expectations placed on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a stepmom. My husband does about 80% of the things on this list. The kids mom moved across the country and does not financially support them and she only sees them once or twice a year. Hasn’t seen them in eight months. This started when they were about 13. She doesn’t do Jack, except criticize their father to them while he does 99 percent of the parenting.

It sounds like your stepchildren’s mother is dealing with some kind of mental or physical illness.
We aren’t really talking about outliers here. Or “deadbeat dads.”

This thread is about normal moms and dads engaging in societally sanctioned behavior. Moms have higher expectations placed on them.

Not by me or my family. Generalities are dumb and the reason why everyone has been arguing on this thread. Your opinion is not fact.