Regrets about marrying interracially?

[Anonymous]

If you married interracially, interculturally or interreligiously, what are some of the serious challenges you have faced? Have you been able to overcome them?

I am about to marry interracially, interculturally, AND interreligiously and don't know anyone else in real life dating interracially, much less marrying someone as different as I am. I am an immigrant, dark skinned Brazilian, raised Catholic and my husband is American, white, and raised Jewish. Apart from me and an AA friend, his family and friends group are exclusively white American Jews.

[Anonymous]

This is a joke, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a joke, right?

I'm guessing not. Pathetic though.

[Anonymous]

OP is asking a legitimate question, as cultural/religious issues could destroy a marriage. Be sure to discuss in detail how you plan to raise kids. Jewish? Catholic? Neither? What holidays will you celebrate? If one or both of you feel strongly one way or the other it is best to settle ahead of time.

[Anonymous]

I married interracially and it's never been an issue. But, we're both atheists and born and raised in the US, so our lifestyles were very similar from the beginning.

[Anonymous]

Do you love him? Is he a good man?

[Anonymous]

Go sit in synagogue on a Saturday one morning and see how you feel.

[Anonymous]

There will be challenges, but you would have challenges as well if you were both from similar backgrounds, because (news flash) marriage is challenging. So if it isn't one thing, it will be another. If you've overcome the difference in background enough to find yourself engaged, I suspect those issues won't suddenly become huge obstacles once you're married, provided that you've had the requisite discussions about whether the two of you want children and how you want them raised.

[Anonymous]

The solution to your problem is to build a more culturally-varied social circle over time, so that you can start understanding how these things work.

I'm White European and Asian, and moved as an adult to the US. My kids are American. When my parents met, they didn't even have a common language! Yet the religious and cultural differences (not even touching on personal appearance, which is moot) worked in their favor. They were both appreciative and curious about each other's background, and I grew up with a rich cultural heritage. Their families, on the other hand, were not that excited It led to drama, to put it mildly. But my parents have never regretted getting together. Now in their 60s, they're retired and do everything together.

[Anonymous]

I am Asian, raised Protestant. My DH is white European and an atheist. Neither of our parents have any friends of any other race, and neither of our siblings are married to outside their respective races.

We have zero racial issues, but we are both very open to other cultures and other foods (very important to both of us). I think this is key.

He is respectful of my religion. I take our kids to church; he doesn't go, but he doesn't push the children either way. He tells them they need to decide for themselves, but he is supportive of me taking our kids to church and sees some benefit in it. I do wish he would go to church with us, but I am not hung up on it.

The bigger challenge, to me, is being on the same page about how to raise our kids in terms of strictness and such. But, so far, after 10+ yrs of marriage, it's been fine. It helps that both inlaws are thousands of miles away, so we don't get too much interference. I guess that can be a negative, too, though because our kids aren't close to their grandparents. I also like how our kids have exposure to different cultures, and we travel to DH's home country to visit, so the kids have that extra exposure.

[Anonymous]

Are there inlaws involved? Are they going to want Jewish grand kids? Often families that are all accepting of anyone pre marriage suddenly become pushy once their DS puts a ring on it and then the DS goes along w what mommy wants rather than his wife.

[Anonymous]

I once almost married a guy who was a different race, culture, religion, and political affiliation. The biggest problem we actually had day to day was that we ate totally different food and so never really shared meal times. We never merged finances, which would have created tensions, or agreed on house chores. Knowing his family, the kids' religion would have been a problem eventually too. So yes, we looked different on paper, but it was the not-on-paper differences that really drove us apart.

What do you have in common? Why are you getting married? What have you done to prepare for marriage?

[Anonymous]

It's very bad to have different religions between spouses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I once almost married a guy who was a different race, culture, religion, and political affiliation. The biggest problem we actually had day to day was that we ate totally different food and so never really shared meal times. We never merged finances, which would have created tensions, or agreed on house chores. Knowing his family, the kids' religion would have been a problem eventually too. So yes, we looked different on paper, but it was the not-on-paper differences that really drove us apart.

What do you have in common? Why are you getting married? What have you done to prepare for marriage?

OP is already married.
I am an immigrant, dark skinned Brazilian, raised Catholic and my husband is American, white, and raised Jewish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you married interracially, interculturally or interreligiously, what are some of the serious challenges you have faced? Have you been able to overcome them?

I am about to marry interracially, interculturally, AND interreligiously and don't know anyone else in real life dating interracially, much less marrying someone as different as I am. I am an immigrant, dark skinned Brazilian, raised Catholic and my husband is American, white, and raised Jewish. Apart from me and an AA friend, his family and friends group are exclusively white American Jews.

I have a close friend who cancelled her wedding because the gulf was too wide. It was also interracial, inter culture and inter religious. In her case, she was a white Lutheran American and he was a Palestinian who grew up in Jordan and Muslim. She had no role models with whom to compare. He had been in the US four years. They met in graduate school. Both were fairly religious people and I think if one or both was less tied to it and he had spent more time in the US, they could have figured out a way forward.

OTOH, I have another good friend who grew up culturally Christian, but leaned atheist, in the Midwest and met her Moroccan Muslim DH overseas. They are closer in their world view and their personal religious beliefs incorporate the others and are not exclusive. They are both fluent In each other's language and that helps too. That is it to say that there have not been problems along the way, but they seem to be able to effectively navigate them.

There are many couples with a similar background to yours in the area, I suggest reaching out to some of the successful ones to see how they make it work. Have you discussed how any children will be raised? Is your DH from the Reform end of the Jewish spectrum? How strict of a Catholic are you? Have you talked about familial expectations (eg briss vs baptism) and your immediate family holiday practices? If both of you are liberal in your religious views and are looking for an umbrella type of denomination, I suggest Unitarian Universalism. There are many Catholic/Jewish couples in our congregation.