Regrets about marrying interracially?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I once almost married a guy who was a different race, culture, religion, and political affiliation. The biggest problem we actually had day to day was that we ate totally different food and so never really shared meal times. We never merged finances, which would have created tensions, or agreed on house chores. Knowing his family, the kids' religion would have been a problem eventually too. So yes, we looked different on paper, but it was the not-on-paper differences that really drove us apart.

What do you have in common? Why are you getting married? What have you done to prepare for marriage?

OP is already married.
I am an immigrant, dark skinned Brazilian, raised Catholic and my husband is American, white, and raised Jewish.

No, she is not.

I am about to marry interracially, interculturally, AND interreligiously

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you married interracially, interculturally or interreligiously, what are some of the serious challenges you have faced? Have you been able to overcome them?

I am about to marry interracially, interculturally, AND interreligiously and don't know anyone else in real life dating interracially, much less marrying someone as different as I am. I am an immigrant, dark skinned Brazilian, raised Catholic and my husband is American, white, and raised Jewish. Apart from me and an AA friend, his family and friends group are exclusively white American Jews.

OP, as long as you love and respect each other, that should be OK. My only word of advice would be, don't live in race-obsessed DC. NYC, SF, Toronto, LA, Boston, may be a best place to live and raise a family.

[Anonymous]

How long were you engaged? Have you run into issues so far?

I know a lot of interracial/intercultural/inter religious (and combinations of all 3) couples and they all seem to have created their own hybrid family culture. The couples who seem to struggle most are ones who aren't flexible.

[Anonymous]

Well it sounds like you are already engaged. Shouldn't you have asked this question before planning to marry?

[Anonymous]

OP:

My fiancé is a good man, but I do worry about the homogeneity of his social circle. His parents are rather unintelligent people who have no idea how to relate to those of other backgrounds, so I already know I will never be close to them. I also find his friends tedious and parochial (all raised in a small town and never left), while he likes my friends. I would like to hear more from those who made this work without being close to their in laws. Do you wish in hindsight you had married someone whose parents you and your kids could be close to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The solution to your problem is to build a more culturally-varied social circle over time, so that you can start understanding how these things work.

I'm White European and Asian, and moved as an adult to the US. My kids are American. When my parents met, they didn't even have a common language! Yet the religious and cultural differences (not even touching on personal appearance, which is moot) worked in their favor. They were both appreciative and curious about each other's background, and I grew up with a rich cultural heritage. Their families, on the other hand, were not that excited It led to drama, to put it mildly. But my parents have never regretted getting together. Now in their 60s, they're retired and do everything together.

OP:

Did the drama ever resolve or did you grow up not knowing your grandparents? Did the drama affect you personally or were you mostly a spectator?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's very bad to have different religions between spouses

Why? I've been happily married 20 years to a man of a different faith, and I still don't get this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's very bad to have different religions between spouses

Why? I've been happily married 20 years to a man of a different faith, and I still don't get this.

OP:

Are either of you religious or are you just culturally affiliated with the religion in which you were raised? I am not worried about the religious front because I am unusually nonreligious for a Brazilian. I am fine with my children being raised Jewish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP:

My fiancé is a good man, but I do worry about the homogeneity of his social circle. His parents are rather unintelligent people who have no idea how to relate to those of other backgrounds, so I already know I will never be close to them. I also find his friends tedious and parochial (all raised in a small town and never left), while he likes my friends. I would like to hear more from those who made this work without being close to their in laws. Do you wish in hindsight you had married someone whose parents you and your kids could be close to?

This sounds like a problem other than religion. You think your DH has "unintelligent" parents and "tedious and parochial" friends.

These are very bad signs, but they can surface no matter what faith you have, sharing it or not.

[Anonymous]

I am asian from another country. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to have married a man of a similar culture, first I would not be living a few thousand miles away from my parents and he would get the aspects of my culture. I would be able to celebrate lunar new year with my family and keep all the traditions like being confined for a month after pregnancy.

My DH is also jewish and there comes a whole host of issues like trying to decide whether to raise our children Jewish, whether I should convert, or since our children will not be accepted as Jewish by many of the Jewish population to just forget all about it. You are going to have to figure out issues like whether you celebrate christmas etc etc.

However I dearly love my husband and am so lucky to have him...that makes up for everything. So what I am saying is yes, there will be some issues that comes naturally to marrying outside your culture and religion...but if it is true strong love it is worth everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are there inlaws involved? Are they going to want Jewish grand kids? Often families that are all accepting of anyone pre marriage suddenly become pushy once their DS puts a ring on it and then the DS goes along w what mommy wants rather than his wife.

Excellent question. Unfortunately, this type of inlaw interference is a major issue in interracial/cultural/religious marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's very bad to have different religions between spouses

Why? I've been happily married 20 years to a man of a different faith, and I still don't get this.

OP:

Are either of you religious or are you just culturally affiliated with the religion in which you were raised? I am not worried about the religious front because I am unusually nonreligious for a Brazilian. I am fine with my children being raised Jewish.

DH is "culturally" Jewish but agnostic. I'm a "fallen away" Catholic. We sparsely celebrate major holidays of both faiths, i.e., Chrismukkah. We have a Christmas tree and a Menorah, just like we have Easter baskets and a Passover Seder. He takes off for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, but that's about it. It works fine for us because during the rest of the year, we like to keep it light. We know of organized faith groups that are friendly to interfaith couples, but we don't go because we're just not religious. It works for us, but also for many other couples we know.

[Anonymous]

i married interracially but our cultural backgrounds were similar so not a big deal at all. religion could be a big deal later if you have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The solution to your problem is to build a more culturally-varied social circle over time, so that you can start understanding how these things work.

I'm White European and Asian, and moved as an adult to the US. My kids are American. When my parents met, they didn't even have a common language! Yet the religious and cultural differences (not even touching on personal appearance, which is moot) worked in their favor. They were both appreciative and curious about each other's background, and I grew up with a rich cultural heritage. Their families, on the other hand, were not that excited It led to drama, to put it mildly. But my parents have never regretted getting together. Now in their 60s, they're retired and do everything together.

OP:

Did the drama ever resolve or did you grow up not knowing your grandparents? Did the drama affect you personally or were you mostly a spectator?

The drama was that my mother's snobby, conservative cousins and aunts/uncles didn't speak to her for 10 years, and there were lots of rumors and accusations, involving race and money. I saw all my grandparents occasionally - this had less to do with their prejudices than with distance. During my childhood, I never lived in the same country as any of the grandparents (my father had a job that required frequent international moves). My grandparents were distant but affectionate. My white Grandma did tell my mother in my presence that people of different races should never marry. As is usually the case with prejudiced people, they can like an individual (me) but harbor unshakable prejudices against an ethnic group. Both sets of grandparents were always polite to their son or daughter in law - and I understood that excessive politeness is a very effective tool to exclude someone from one's inner circle.

I married someone from a different cultural background as well - we do speak the same language, however
This has never been a problem, since our parenting and financial values are aligned. Talk to your husband about parenting and money. This is what gets couples divorced, most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Every interracial coupling is different. But, those who enter inter-racial relationships tend to be a bit more open minded or you wouldn't be going outside of that zone anyways.

When you marry into a Jewish or Islamic faith, it is much more different. You need to know what is expected of you regarding faith-based holidays/gatherings/events, starting and raising a family. These are IMPORTANT issues to discuss before getting married. If it is already awkward to discuss them and you think things will work out, maybe so but there are a lot of expectations when you married to a person who have been raised in a faith based lifestyle.

Just know that you can't change the other person and how they were raised if they do not want to change. Start by meeting the family (if you haven't yet), the extended family. And just because you are open-minded does not mean the other person or his family is open minded about things.