Going to be overwhelmed by my in-laws
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Anonymous
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My family is midwestern, emotionally reserved, and loving but somewhat at a distant. I like it because it's what I'm used to. My in laws are over the top emotional (to me, I'm sure not to others) and from a culture where family is everything and there are no boundaries and are also extreme extroverts whereas I'm an introvert. They're kind and generous people, but we're different and I find both their extroversion and their emotional neediness totally exhausting when we're together. Every single phone call begins with "it's been soooooo loooong since we've talked....we ,miss you soooo much" even if it's been 2 days. This has worked ok so far, we live in distant states, but I'm pregnant with their first grandchild (my DH is their only kid) and terrified I will be completely overwhelmed by their emotions.
I'm imagining they'll want daily phone calls on how I'm doing, will shower the baby with crazy gifts, will want to come visit for long periods of time, and may even decide to move here. My FIL has hinted he will babysit all day (I wouldn't want him to, he's 70!), and they'll expect very frequent dinners together or their feelings will be hurt. Their eagerness to be close makes me even withdraw more. Even thinking about telling them I'm pregnant stresses me out with the crying and hugging and praying for an hour and then immediately starting in with opinions and asks (we'll have to vacation together before then! and with the baby! and can you come visit monthly! can we be there for a month after you give birth? etc etc etc...I'm exaggerating a bit but this is what I'm fearing. So...help? They're great people, I want to be close with them and welcome them into baby's life. Right now the more they push, need, and try the more I want to get further away. They're not going to change so any ideas on how I can stop being so annoyed with it and getting so worked up about their expectations and endless emotions? And to people who say "wow you're in awful DIL" - shut it. i have a different personality and culture than them. I'm allowed to find extremely emotional extroverts challenging even if I want to be close to them and they're good people. I'm trying to find a way to make it work. |
Anonymous
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You need to talk to your husband and work out a reasonable plan for frequency of calls/visits, etc., and he needs to take the lead in communicating/enforcing it.
Especially during pregnancy and postpartum, be honest that you are overwhelmed and need time to process before confirming plans/making decisions. Tell them you are increasingly busy, but you look forward to once a week phone calls on Saturday or Sunday. Congrats! Good luck! |
Anonymous
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Your DH needs to step in and be the buffer with his parents. He needs to be the one to speak with them and set these boundaries on your behalf. Have him handle the frequent phone calls with his parents. I would start planning NOW so that they don't decide to show up and stay with you for a week/month after your baby arrives. DH needs to be the one to shield you from them, however well-meaning they are.
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Anonymous
| I'm from a colder back ground too. My inlaws sound like yours. The best thing to do is talk to your husband and tell him your fears and that you may need some space. You can also use some of this to your advantage. (they should like great babysitters!!!) On rule that I would have DH lay down right now is there are to be NO surprise visits to your house EVER! Read some books on setting healthy boundaries. When they come to visit in the beginning let them watch DC and you can sleep, take a bath, sleep. When you need to nurse (if thats what you choose) take the baby go to your room, lock the door, when your done return baby and go back to your room. After time everyone will know what work for each other. When my IL come to visit, I take off and do what I normally can't do with kids in tow and they LOVE the time alone with the grand kids. win-win |
Anonymous
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I feel very similarly to you, OP. I just decided what I can and cannot do, and discussed with DH.
Will do: weekend brief phone calls Will not do: calls every other day. He can engage in those, or not. Will do: once every other month visits Will not do: monthly visits; as a result, he sometimes takes DD to visit them without me |
Anonymous
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Just tell them "I love that you're so excited about the baby. I'm not committing to any vacations, or babysitting options or anything right now. Our plan (and you must train your husband to nod in agreement any time you say 'we') is to take things as they come. Please don't be offended if I don't want as much involvement as you do. As you know, you guys are extroverts while I'm an introvert, so I REALLY value quiet time."
Then you can feel too unwell to go on vacation with them (they don't need to know if you go on baby moon with DH), and just say "A month-long visit is just too long for us now; a week would be perfect though." But you MUST get your DH backing you up, otherwise this will never work. In fact having him say it will work better. |
Anonymous
| You don't have to be an introvert to recognize that OP and her husband are right to determine and set boundaries that work for their new little family! |
Anonymous
| OP here - I love this rally of the introverts! I'll have to work on my husband, he understands but also gets caught up in the moment and has the same inclinations as his parents. he's supportive but forgets and agrees to things just out of enthusiasm without thinking them through |
Anonymous
| 70-year-olds can babysit if they're in good health. It's really not that old. My father is 70 and he keeps up with my boys without any problems at all and they are ACTIVE. |
Anonymous
A united front is key. "We will discuss that and will get back to you soon" is your new catchphrase. |
Anonymous
Oh I totally agree for general babysitting - he wants to do all day every day while we're at work. Even if he had the energy for that (which I doubt considering parents have a hard time with the energy for that, I wouldn't want to have to negotiate on the day to day care. Grandparents "special" rules and spoiling are fine when its not the regular source of care |
Anonymous
I'd make this point more strongly, and let your husband do it: you don't just value quiet time, you require it. One nice thing--if you have enthusiastic grandparents visiting, you can can hand off the baby and go back to your room to take a nap, or read a magazine, or take a shower. There will be a new human around for them to talk to! |
Anonymous
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Op, respond to requests - asking to visit as an example - in an email. Concise emails. Signed from your husband and you. You don't want there to be misunderstandings - more likely when the communication is so verbal. You want to have control. You want to have time to reason.
Otherwise, let them talk, and talk. Any questions say that you and DH will consider it and let them know. When you visit them, is there somewhere else you can go? Visit a good friend (real or imagined) for part of the time. A hotel with a spa just for you, perhaps. |
Anonymous
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You and DH need to sit down together and talk about this. Talk about how often you see them now, how frequently they contact you, how you split holidays...just talk.
It sounds to me like your situation would be better if DH agreed to be the point person with his parents, yes? That's a good place to start. Ask him, if he's not already, to be responsible for communicating with his parents. Tell him that you love his parents, but they stress you out, so that you're going to need him to step up and be the spokesperson for your nuclear family with them. You're newly pregnant, yes? You've got some time for this to play out. See how they react initially. And, you always have the excuse of being pregnant and tired as you establish a new normal where DH communicates more. And, obviously, they should *not* come immediately after the birth, but you don't need to say anything about that right now to them. Use the phrase "Well, we'll see!" a lot. |
Anonymous
+1 He needs to learn fast to check with you before agreeing to anything. "Well, Mom and Dad, we're in a period of adjustment, let me get back to you." |