Going to be overwhelmed by my in-laws

[Anonymous]

My in laws sound a little similar in the sense that they think family is EVERYTHING and that family should be involved always. So even though they live 45 minutes away and see us often (at least weekly) they want to skype every evening and they want to talk on the phone all the time. I usually just roll with it and things go pretty smoothly, except when I am pregnant. This is my third pregnancy and I am already hormonal and annoyed. I do think there is this instinctual thing that happens with some pregnant women, including myself, where in you feel extra protective and private and well meaning in laws may have no clue about these feelings or the temporary stricter boundaries you might need. I recognize this is is kind of unfair on my end but my skin crawls when my MIL asks me about the results of different pregnancy testing for example. One year she tried to slap a blood pressure cuff on me and I about lost my shit. Things tend to smooth out again my babies are born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws sound a little similar in the sense that they think family is EVERYTHING and that family should be involved always. So even though they live 45 minutes away and see us often (at least weekly) they want to skype every evening and they want to talk on the phone all the time. I usually just roll with it and things go pretty smoothly, except when I am pregnant. This is my third pregnancy and I am already hormonal and annoyed. I do think there is this instinctual thing that happens with some pregnant women, including myself, where in you feel extra protective and private and well meaning in laws may have no clue about these feelings or the temporary stricter boundaries you might need. I recognize this is is kind of unfair on my end but my skin crawls when my MIL asks me about the results of different pregnancy testing for example. One year she tried to slap a blood pressure cuff on me and I about lost my shit. Things tend to smooth out again my babies are born.

You can't enable this behavior and then complain when it continues: set boundaries or accept the consequences of your choice to allow this to continue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell them "I love that you're so excited about the baby. I'm not committing to any vacations, or babysitting options or anything right now. Our plan (and you must train your husband to nod in agreement any time you say 'we') is to take things as they come. Please don't be offended if I don't want as much involvement as you do. As you know, you guys are extroverts while I'm an introvert, so I REALLY value quiet time."

Then you can feel too unwell to go on vacation with them (they don't need to know if you go on baby moon with DH), and just say "A month-long visit is just too long for us now; a week would be perfect though." But you MUST get your DH backing you up, otherwise this will never work. In fact having him say it will work better.

I like the script above--mostly. I would not bother to go into "please don't be offended" or the "introvert/extrovert" explanation; they either won't get it or will feel you're finding excuses (though what you would say would be true, you just do not need to offer so much explanation).

And your husband, not YOU, should be making this statement to them. Period.

Talk to him. Is he really clear on your concerns here? Does he see the issue? He might not, if he himself is so used to his family's ways and expectations that it rolls off him and he has a "Hey, that's just how they are" approach. You might need to really get through to him on the fact this stresses you out but do emphasize that you love his family (right?). And talk with him now about the boundaries you'll need then. Be specific with him, especially about things like not having his parents there for the birth (egad, I hated that idea and fortunately my in-laws and own mom had no desire to come for the birth or even for about a month afterward, bless them all!).

He must, must have your back on this, but in turn, you too must be careful not to let your introversion start to block visits etc. to the point they're wondering if they did something wrong. In a family I'm close to, I've seen that happen too, where family members started to feel intentionally excluded and shut out, and the introverted parent, happy to be alone with baby, was blissfully unaware that she was building up some hurt and resentment among the relatives, hurt that could have been avoided if the boundaries hadn't become walls. Be sure your plans for boundaries include a lot of access, on your and DH's terms, to baby for your in-laws too.

[Anonymous]

OP can I ask what culture your inlaws are from? Because in certain Asian cultures the grandparents are very involved in their grandchildrens lives and it is considered offensive for the DIL to overtly limit their involvement. In some cultures the grandparents are treated lije a member of the immediate family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP can I ask what culture your inlaws are from? Because in certain Asian cultures the grandparents are very involved in their grandchildrens lives and it is considered offensive for the DIL to overtly limit their involvement. In some cultures the grandparents are treated lije a member of the immediate family.

Which doesn't mean there is no room for discussion, compromise and boundary-setting. Asian culture doesn't get to "trump" other cultures automatically, especially in a non-Asian country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can I ask what culture your inlaws are from? Because in certain Asian cultures the grandparents are very involved in their grandchildrens lives and it is considered offensive for the DIL to overtly limit their involvement. In some cultures the grandparents are treated lije a member of the immediate family.

Which doesn't mean there is no room for discussion, compromise and boundary-setting. Asian culture doesn't get to "trump" other cultures automatically, especially in a non-Asian country.

Excuse me but who said there is no room for discussion, compromise and boundary-setting? I was just asking the question because in some Asian cultures it would be very offensive to tell your inlays what a PP suggested, "I'm sorry you feel that way. We have to do what's comfortable for our family."

Since OP seems to like her inlaws and doesn't seem to want to bur any bridges with them just yet, I would recommend not saying such a thing to Asian grandparents, but rather communicating in a more culturally sensitive manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can I ask what culture your inlaws are from? Because in certain Asian cultures the grandparents are very involved in their grandchildrens lives and it is considered offensive for the DIL to overtly limit their involvement. In some cultures the grandparents are treated lije a member of the immediate family.

Which doesn't mean there is no room for discussion, compromise and boundary-setting. Asian culture doesn't get to "trump" other cultures automatically, especially in a non-Asian country.

Excuse me but who said there is no room for discussion, compromise and boundary-setting? I was just asking the question because in some Asian cultures it would be very offensive to tell your inlays what a PP suggested, "I'm sorry you feel that way. We have to do what's comfortable for our family."

Since OP seems to like her inlaws and doesn't seem to want to bur any bridges with them just yet, I would recommend not saying such a thing to Asian grandparents, but rather communicating in a more culturally sensitive manner.

OK, and what, exactly, would that sound like?

[Anonymous]

Team introvert here. DH has had to step in many times to help create boundaries. Just be a united front so he doesn't make it sound like it's your fault they can't hold your legs as you're pushing