Going to be overwhelmed by my in-laws

[Anonymous]

Holy selfish OP-you need to get over yourself and realize that you aren't the only person to ever have a child and deal with invasive in laws.
They love your husband and will love his child, poor you, a child that has TOO MUCH LOVE? They want to feel part of his/her life.
Get over yourself and realize you married into this family and stop being such a bitch.

[Anonymous]

OP, I sort of see where you are coming from, but I think you may be catastrophizing a bit before the event. Over thinking it.

Also, I am confused. I thought they lived in a different state?How could FIL babysit every day and they demand frequent dinners? Even if we are talking MD VA, I think there is enough of a divide/distance there that you really are worrying too much at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I sort of see where you are coming from, but I think you may be catastrophizing a bit before the event. Over thinking it.

Also, I am confused. I thought they lived in a different state?How could FIL babysit every day and they demand frequent dinners? Even if we are talking MD VA, I think there is enough of a divide/distance there that you really are worrying too much at this point.

They have strongly hinted that they will live here part of full time if we have a kid. It'd be great to naturally have them close by (if they'd always lived here) but moving here just for the kid creates a lot of expectations

[Anonymous]

Same situation as you but now with a 19 month old. It will get worse unless you set your boundaries now. Make sure you and DH are on the same page and he 100% has your back. You and DH are building your own family now with baby and your in-laws are going to have a tough time of it. Practice saying this "I'm sorry you feel that way. We have to do what's comfortable for our family."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holy selfish OP-you need to get over yourself and realize that you aren't the only person to ever have a child and deal with invasive in laws.
They love your husband and will love his child, poor you, a child that has TOO MUCH LOVE? They want to feel part of his/her life.
Get over yourself and realize you married into this family and stop being such a bitch.

There is a big difference between genuine love and power plays/control disguised as love.

There is also something to be said for recognizing that IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU, GRANDPARENTS, it's also about giving a new little family time and space to adjust to this new life and to enjoy little and big moments as a new family.

Older people are adjusting to lives that are less busy and full, I get that, but they need to recognize that it's not up to their children/grandchildren to fill their time and provide their sense of usefulness/purpose/joy. You still have to build your own life, and make sure that children/grandchildren are a PART of it, not ALL of it.

[Anonymous]

Decide on how much interaction you are comfortable with and stick to that. You don't need to tell them the schedule, but if they call every day and you prefer weekly, be unavailable every day. Call them back weekly when you have a chance to talk. Ignore ALL comments about "it's been soooo long since we talked". I'd prefer texting, so if they are open to that, suggest that.

Get your DH to run interference. Perhaps HE can call them every day to give an update if he's ok with that.

Don't worry about possibilities that are not problems yet. One thing at a time.

The most important thing is to help your DH explain why this is too much for you and for HIM to help you deal with them.

[Anonymous]

I'm a huge introvert but, wow. The "shut it" twice really makes me less sympathetic to your "plight".

And plenty of 70 year olds would be fine with a kid all day. My aunt is 72 and has more energy than I do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Decide on how much interaction you are comfortable with and stick to that. You don't need to tell them the schedule, but if they call every day and you prefer weekly, be unavailable every day. Call them back weekly when you have a chance to talk. Ignore ALL comments about "it's been soooo long since we talked". I'd prefer texting, so if they are open to that, suggest that.

Get your DH to run interference. Perhaps HE can call them every day to give an update if he's ok with that.

Don't worry about possibilities that are not problems yet. One thing at a time.

The most important thing is to help your DH explain why this is too much for you and for HIM to help you deal with them.

+1 This is all good. You don't have to call everyday just because they want you to. Call every week, and ignore the guilt trips.

Your husband really needs to run interference on this. I'm a huge introvert, and my in-laws cannot abide a moment of silence. They literally talk constantly, all day, every day, and it gives me headaches. They are nice people, but I can't handle several days of this. My husband did two things--he accepted my very real need for some quiet time every day, and he helped make it happen. I can "take naps," read a book in another room, etc., and that allows me to recharge my batteries and be social again.

It sounds like they mean well. So give them the benefit of the doubt, and don't borrow trouble. You don't have to establish boundaries on principle; just figure out what works for you and then do it.

[Anonymous]

Op everything changes when the baby comes. What you think will happen and what it's going to be like will be far form reality. You are going a little crazy here. I don't think your fil will be babysitting all day. Maybe after 8 weeks of no sleep you will want him to watch the baby for an hour or two....and you get some sleep.

[Anonymous]

I can trade you. My MIL never called while I was pregnant. Never sent a gift and has no clue how old our kids are. She has not once even sent a birthday card.

[Anonymous]

I feel you, OP. Ten years in MILs chronic emotional effusiveness/histrionics have worn me out.

whenever your in laes are driving you crazy, just visualize all the other introverted women with effusive in laws eho are, at that EXACT moment are irritated like you . .youre really NOT alone here

good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can trade you. My MIL never called while I was pregnant. Never sent a gift and has no clue how old our kids are. She has not once even sent a birthday card.

Trade me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. Ten years in MILs chronic emotional effusiveness/histrionics have worn me out.

whenever your in laes are driving you crazy, just visualize all the other introverted women with effusive in laws eho are, at that EXACT moment are irritated like you . .youre really NOT alone here

good luck

[Anonymous]

You might find its better when the baby arrivesbecausethe attention will be on the baby instead of you. The baby also gives you the perfect excuse to escape to lie down or to go nurse or to just focus on the baby at pretty much any time.

[Anonymous]

Who makes the plans in your relationship, OP? Here is what I did. When my MIL came over, I left baby care to husband and MIL. I went upstairs and took a nap or a shower or whatever. I haven't met a man who wants to spend hours with his mother. Maybe they exist, but mine loves him mom and has no interest in spending long periods of time with her. So she stayed for about an hour and then my husband would shoo her out.

I left all get together planning to my husband. He learned very quickly to ask me before agreeing to his mom coming over because the few times he agreed without asking, I smiled and said, "Oh perfect timing! Mary wants to meet me for a manicure that day. I will meet her when MIL is here. That way you will have an extra set of hands."

My husband became an excellent gatekeeper because if he did not, he spent some portion of his weekend and evenings taking care of a baby and having to entertain his mother. I got extra sleep and shower time so it was a win win during his short learning curve.