Has counseling actually helped you cope with a toxic parent?

[Anonymous]

My mother has been a wreck for... well, all my life, but it's gotten to a very dire point recently. She got a DUI over the summer and although her ex-husband didn't go after her for full custody after that (my brother wasn't with her that weekend), recently her drinking has continued to the point where every weekend my brother is with her, he calls his dad to come get him early so he doesn't have to stay around her drinking any longer. She of course lies through her teeth to the rest of us that she isn't drinking at all around him. Over the weekend she texted me asking how I felt about her moving up here because she's ready to just sign over full custody to my brother's dad and be done with it. I was furious. First of all that she thinks she can just abandon her child like that because she's tired of being accountable to him and her ex for being a poor parent, but that she thought I would support her doing so and would let her come live with me. I told her absolutely not.

I talked to my aunt yesterday who informed me that my brother's dad is going for full custody as of this morning because over the weekend, he was with my mom and while they were at a friend's house, he caught her drinking. He called his dad to come and get him, and I guess because she was mad my brother had again ratted her out to his dad, she told him "I'm moving to Virginia and leaving you behind anyway." I am just galled. I can't believe she thinks it's okay to just give up parenting this child so she can do whatever she wants without being responsible for him and his well being. I guess her plan was to just sign over custody and then high tail it here to come wreck my life at my expense- it's not happening.

I'm at the point where I realize I can't keep helping her. My husband and I have given her lots of help over the years- paying bills for her when she couldn't, literally bailing her out of jail for her DUI, etc. I kept thinking "She just needs a little help so she can get her life in order" and now I'm realizing, no amount of help ever makes the difference. It temporarily solves her current problem, and then she goes on and creates more problems and continues the same shit that just got her in trouble. I could literally buy the woman a car and a house and give her a bank account full of money and still she would find a way to blow through it all and ruin it and end up in the mud again. There's truly nothing I can do for her that I haven't already done and none of it mattered.

I am pretty sure I need to seek counseling to learn healthy ways to deal with her (the stress of her life just eats me up and it kills me that she just WON'T DO RIGHT in any aspect of her life) and the residual effects growing up with her left me with, but I would like advice from those who've been there- did it help you? Did it enable you to detach yourself from the mess in a way that wasn't just godawful? I'm the oldest and she's relied on me for so much- I truly have no idea how to just "cut her off" or turn off the stress I feel knowing how awful she insists on making her life. She's had opportunity after opportunity to lead a normal, healthy life and every time, she messes it up. Her main concern seems to be that she can do whatever she wants without being beholden to anyone for the choices she makes. I can't cope with it on my own anymore.

[Anonymous]

It really did help. Just having someone to talk to made a big difference. DH got so frustrated with hearing me go on about it, and it was taking a toll on our marriage. So it was better that I have the counselor, and then I didn't feel like I was overburdening DH on top of everything else. It also gave me reassurance that it was ok, right, and necessary to distance myself somewhat.

She helped me come up with a plan to protect myself and my kids and DH, while still helping my mother somewhat so that I could feel like a good daughter to the extent possible under the circumstances. In my case, the grandmother-grandchild relationship was pretty functional so I did not want to totally cut off contact. So the counselor helped me and DH come up with a plan and stick to it.

[Anonymous]

DH got so frustrated with hearing me go on about it

This. Op, there is a good chance you come back to this message board again and again. Others in your life are exhausted hearing about it. Get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

DH got so frustrated with hearing me go on about it

This. Op, there is a good chance you come back to this message board again and again. Others in your life are exhausted hearing about it. Get help.

This is the second time I've ever posted about this. I don't talk to people about it much in real life because it's incredibly embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DH got so frustrated with hearing me go on about it

This. Op, there is a good chance you come back to this message board again and again. Others in your life are exhausted hearing about it. Get help.

This is the second time I've ever posted about this. I don't talk to people about it much in real life because it's incredibly embarrassing.

+1

PP needs to stop being so accusatory, and stop posting. NP here.

[Anonymous]

Yes! Huge help for me. I'm sorry you are going through this. Realize though, that your mom is an alcoholic and she's not abandoning your brother. She's choosing her addiction over him, as all addicts do.
Your brother will be better off with his dad. She's no mother to him.
Any "help" you offer her will be enabling unless she's in treatment. Unless she's ready to do that, tell her you will have zero communication or financial support with/for her. Stick to it. It's SO hard, but you have to protect yourself.
Please see a therapist and stay strong.

[Anonymous]

Therapy really helped me deal with some serious family dysfunction. It was just really good to talk to someone and stop feeling like I was the crazy one when, in fact, it was about other family members and their issues. So helpful, and the therapist helped me set healthier boundaries and see how difficulties with my parent might still be affecting my other relationships in adulthood. Money well spent.

[Anonymous]

get a counselor, don't cut off communication, stop helping her financially. Keep in contact with your brother though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Huge help for me. I'm sorry you are going through this. Realize though, that your mom is an alcoholic and she's not abandoning your brother. She's choosing her addiction over him, as all addicts do.
Your brother will be better off with his dad. She's no mother to him.
Any "help" you offer her will be enabling unless she's in treatment. Unless she's ready to do that, tell her you will have zero communication or financial support with/for her. Stick to it. It's SO hard, but you have to protect yourself.
Please see a therapist and stay strong.

I think her desire to take the easy way out and move nearly 600 miles away from him so she can live off me IS abandoning, though. If she signed over full custody but at least stayed in the area so she could visit him, or try to do better so he would want to maintain a relationship with her, I wouldn't consider that abandonment. She literally just wants to hand him over to his dad and then come live in my basement though so she doesn't have to deal with his problems with her drinking or answer to his dad or be responsible for ANYTHING. It's her pattern - scorched earth, then find someone who will scoop her up and take care of her so she doesn't have to deal with the fallout. I understand the nature of addiction and have tried to be understanding of her limitations because of it but I cannot believe she would not only give up custody but intentionally move so far away she would never see him or be there in any meaningful way. He's 11; this would wreck him for life.

[Anonymous]

YES! Among other things a good therapist will help you find strategies for dealing with the behavior in a healthy way and drawing boundaries. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find a therapist you click with but once you do therapy is so beneficial.

[Anonymous]

Of all the stuff that people bring to therapists, this is actually one of the easier ones.

--A therapist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of all the stuff that people bring to therapists, this is actually one of the easier ones.

--A therapist

Op here- easy as in, it's easy for you to help them handle it or easy because what you suggest they do is something most people find doable and successful?

I mostly need help disconnecting from feeling attached to her problems. I've always wanted to help and the help doesn't work. But the stress of her life makes me sick- I worry myself to death over it and every 3-4 months it's some new catastrophe. I don't want to cut off all contact but I need help determining and reinforcing healthy boundaries and accepting if her life is terrible, it's not because I didn't try to help or that anything I tried to do COULD help.

I have tried Al Anon before and did not find it helpful. I am hopeful therapy may be more useful and give me real tools. Is there a particular kind of therapist I should seek? Family therapist?

[Anonymous]

Yes it was a big help. A therapist helped me break out of the sticky enmeshment of dysfunction and have a healthy life of my own. Even more than that, she helped me develop all the tools to fend off their manipulations and aggressive conditional selfishness, to see the buttons being pushed and choose not to react, and generally become a much tougher customer.

But not just tougher, also happier, more optimistic, and positive. Why wouldn't I be? Now I'm up above it while before I was down in it.

I'd look for an experienced therapist and would expect them to seek specific descriptions of interactions and then focus in on specific actions you can work to adopt to modify your thoughts and behavior. They would also be helping you identify patterns, reactions you experience, hooks you have, and gain new perspective and skills in negotiating those aspects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Huge help for me. I'm sorry you are going through this. Realize though, that your mom is an alcoholic and she's not abandoning your brother. She's choosing her addiction over him, as all addicts do.
Your brother will be better off with his dad. She's no mother to him.
Any "help" you offer her will be enabling unless she's in treatment. Unless she's ready to do that, tell her you will have zero communication or financial support with/for her. Stick to it. It's SO hard, but you have to protect yourself.
Please see a therapist and stay strong.

I think her desire to take the easy way out and move nearly 600 miles away from him so she can live off me IS abandoning, though. If she signed over full custody but at least stayed in the area so she could visit him, or try to do better so he would want to maintain a relationship with her, I wouldn't consider that abandonment. She literally just wants to hand him over to his dad and then come live in my basement though so she doesn't have to deal with his problems with her drinking or answer to his dad or be responsible for ANYTHING. It's her pattern - scorched earth, then find someone who will scoop her up and take care of her so she doesn't have to deal with the fallout. I understand the nature of addiction and have tried to be understanding of her limitations because of it but I cannot believe she would not only give up custody but intentionally move so far away she would never see him or be there in any meaningful way. He's 11; this would wreck him for life.

He's already wrecked for life. I'm sorry. Much better for her to be far away and let him try to have as normal of a life as possible. Please do not be the backstop. DO NOT let her move in with you. Nothing will change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Huge help for me. I'm sorry you are going through this. Realize though, that your mom is an alcoholic and she's not abandoning your brother. She's choosing her addiction over him, as all addicts do.
Your brother will be better off with his dad. She's no mother to him.
Any "help" you offer her will be enabling unless she's in treatment. Unless she's ready to do that, tell her you will have zero communication or financial support with/for her. Stick to it. It's SO hard, but you have to protect yourself.
Please see a therapist and stay strong.

I think her desire to take the easy way out and move nearly 600 miles away from him so she can live off me IS abandoning, though. If she signed over full custody but at least stayed in the area so she could visit him, or try to do better so he would want to maintain a relationship with her, I wouldn't consider that abandonment. She literally just wants to hand him over to his dad and then come live in my basement though so she doesn't have to deal with his problems with her drinking or answer to his dad or be responsible for ANYTHING. It's her pattern - scorched earth, then find someone who will scoop her up and take care of her so she doesn't have to deal with the fallout. I understand the nature of addiction and have tried to be understanding of her limitations because of it but I cannot believe she would not only give up custody but intentionally move so far away she would never see him or be there in any meaningful way. He's 11; this would wreck him for life.

He's already wrecked for life. I'm sorry. Much better for her to be far away and let him try to have as normal of a life as possible. Please do not be the backstop. DO NOT let her move in with you. Nothing will change.

That is not happening. I have worked very hard to create a stable, normal, healthy home for my children and I won't introduce her to it. I am an anxious and edgy person when she is around and fully recognize I cannot have my kids growing up with that version of me. It's not a possibility.