Has counseling actually helped you cope with a toxic parent?

[Anonymous]

I'm a therapist as well. The best thing about seeing a therapist for this particular issue is that you will learn skills that will help you set boundaries with the other people in your life who are currently violating them. Generally speaking, if you are being steamrolled by one person then you are likely being steamrolled by others. Learning to set boundaries is incredibly freeing.

Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Huge help for me. I'm sorry you are going through this. Realize though, that your mom is an alcoholic and she's not abandoning your brother. She's choosing her addiction over him, as all addicts do.
Your brother will be better off with his dad. She's no mother to him.
Any "help" you offer her will be enabling unless she's in treatment. Unless she's ready to do that, tell her you will have zero communication or financial support with/for her. Stick to it. It's SO hard, but you have to protect yourself.
Please see a therapist and stay strong.

I think her desire to take the easy way out and move nearly 600 miles away from him so she can live off me IS abandoning, though. If she signed over full custody but at least stayed in the area so she could visit him, or try to do better so he would want to maintain a relationship with her, I wouldn't consider that abandonment. She literally just wants to hand him over to his dad and then come live in my basement though so she doesn't have to deal with his problems with her drinking or answer to his dad or be responsible for ANYTHING. It's her pattern - scorched earth, then find someone who will scoop her up and take care of her so she doesn't have to deal with the fallout. I understand the nature of addiction and have tried to be understanding of her limitations because of it but I cannot believe she would not only give up custody but intentionally move so far away she would never see him or be there in any meaningful way. He's 11; this would wreck him for life.

I do NOT mean this in a snarky way so please don't take it that way. You clearly do not understand the nature of addiction. In your posts, you are still railing against your mother's behavior, you're angry with her, appalled by what she's doing and trying to understand how she can do what she's doing. You don't understand addiction.

I agree with the PPs that a good counselor can really help you out. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Huge help for me. I'm sorry you are going through this. Realize though, that your mom is an alcoholic and she's not abandoning your brother. She's choosing her addiction over him, as all addicts do.
Your brother will be better off with his dad. She's no mother to him.
Any "help" you offer her will be enabling unless she's in treatment. Unless she's ready to do that, tell her you will have zero communication or financial support with/for her. Stick to it. It's SO hard, but you have to protect yourself.
Please see a therapist and stay strong.

I think her desire to take the easy way out and move nearly 600 miles away from him so she can live off me IS abandoning, though. If she signed over full custody but at least stayed in the area so she could visit him, or try to do better so he would want to maintain a relationship with her, I wouldn't consider that abandonment. She literally just wants to hand him over to his dad and then come live in my basement though so she doesn't have to deal with his problems with her drinking or answer to his dad or be responsible for ANYTHING. It's her pattern - scorched earth, then find someone who will scoop her up and take care of her so she doesn't have to deal with the fallout. I understand the nature of addiction and have tried to be understanding of her limitations because of it but I cannot believe she would not only give up custody but intentionally move so far away she would never see him or be there in any meaningful way. He's 11; this would wreck him for life.

I do NOT mean this in a snarky way so please don't take it that way. You clearly do not understand the nature of addiction. In your posts, you are still railing against your mother's behavior, you're angry with her, appalled by what she's doing and trying to understand how she can do what she's doing. You don't understand addiction.

I agree with the PPs that a good counselor can really help you out. Hugs.

No, truly, I do. I was on the Lamar Odom thread discussing addiction. I get it. But I cannot support her in doing this to my brother. She's gotten away with so much. She's been sent to rehab- didn't work. AA didn't work. Enabling doesn't work. I am 30 and feel like I have been taking care of her since I was 11. Thank God for my mother in law or I would not feel like I had a mom. I GET addiction and I have given her so much leeway because of that and it's only made things worse for my brother. There is the reality of her addiction and also the fact that her base personality is selfish. She never put my sister and me first, and she refuses to do it for him either and he's all alone in it. His siblings are grown and gone. The other time I posted about her I was torn into for "enabling" her because I explained I help her because of her addiction. It's reached the end of the line though. I can't give my complicit blessing in what she does by helping her or excusing her. I GET she's an alcoholic but at this point, she isn't the one who ever pays for her actions, it's everyone else. Her addiction is no longer going to earn her a pass.

[Anonymous]

If you ever thought addiction should "earn a pass" then no, you don't get addiction. Really, a therapist can help you sort this out. You'll be a lot less frantic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Huge help for me. I'm sorry you are going through this. Realize though, that your mom is an alcoholic and she's not abandoning your brother. She's choosing her addiction over him, as all addicts do.
Your brother will be better off with his dad. She's no mother to him.
Any "help" you offer her will be enabling unless she's in treatment. Unless she's ready to do that, tell her you will have zero communication or financial support with/for her. Stick to it. It's SO hard, but you have to protect yourself.
Please see a therapist and stay strong.

I think her desire to take the easy way out and move nearly 600 miles away from him so she can live off me IS abandoning, though. If she signed over full custody but at least stayed in the area so she could visit him, or try to do better so he would want to maintain a relationship with her, I wouldn't consider that abandonment. She literally just wants to hand him over to his dad and then come live in my basement though so she doesn't have to deal with his problems with her drinking or answer to his dad or be responsible for ANYTHING. It's her pattern - scorched earth, then find someone who will scoop her up and take care of her so she doesn't have to deal with the fallout. I understand the nature of addiction and have tried to be understanding of her limitations because of it but I cannot believe she would not only give up custody but intentionally move so far away she would never see him or be there in any meaningful way. He's 11; this would wreck him for life.

I do NOT mean this in a snarky way so please don't take it that way. You clearly do not understand the nature of addiction. In your posts, you are still railing against your mother's behavior, you're angry with her, appalled by what she's doing and trying to understand how she can do what she's doing. You don't understand addiction.

I agree with the PPs that a good counselor can really help you out. Hugs.

No, truly, I do. I was on the Lamar Odom thread discussing addiction. I get it. But I cannot support her in doing this to my brother. She's gotten away with so much. She's been sent to rehab- didn't work. AA didn't work. Enabling doesn't work. I am 30 and feel like I have been taking care of her since I was 11. Thank God for my mother in law or I would not feel like I had a mom. I GET addiction and I have given her so much leeway because of that and it's only made things worse for my brother. There is the reality of her addiction and also the fact that her base personality is selfish. She never put my sister and me first, and she refuses to do it for him either and he's all alone in it. His siblings are grown and gone. The other time I posted about her I was torn into for "enabling" her because I explained I help her because of her addiction. It's reached the end of the line though. I can't give my complicit blessing in what she does by helping her or excusing her. I GET she's an alcoholic but at this point, she isn't the one who ever pays for her actions, it's everyone else. Her addiction is no longer going to earn her a pass.

I think you DO 'get' addiction by virtue of living with one, but haven't yet 'got' how you need to respond to it, for your own sanity. I think a therapist can help you move from recognition to response

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Huge help for me. I'm sorry you are going through this. Realize though, that your mom is an alcoholic and she's not abandoning your brother. She's choosing her addiction over him, as all addicts do.
Your brother will be better off with his dad. She's no mother to him.
Any "help" you offer her will be enabling unless she's in treatment. Unless she's ready to do that, tell her you will have zero communication or financial support with/for her. Stick to it. It's SO hard, but you have to protect yourself.
Please see a therapist and stay strong.

I think her desire to take the easy way out and move nearly 600 miles away from him so she can live off me IS abandoning, though. If she signed over full custody but at least stayed in the area so she could visit him, or try to do better so he would want to maintain a relationship with her, I wouldn't consider that abandonment. She literally just wants to hand him over to his dad and then come live in my basement though so she doesn't have to deal with his problems with her drinking or answer to his dad or be responsible for ANYTHING. It's her pattern - scorched earth, then find someone who will scoop her up and take care of her so she doesn't have to deal with the fallout. I understand the nature of addiction and have tried to be understanding of her limitations because of it but I cannot believe she would not only give up custody but intentionally move so far away she would never see him or be there in any meaningful way. He's 11; this would wreck him for life.

He's already wrecked for life. I'm sorry. Much better for her to be far away and let him try to have as normal of a life as possible. Please do not be the backstop. DO NOT let her move in with you. Nothing will change.

That is not happening. I have worked very hard to create a stable, normal, healthy home for my children and I won't introduce her to it. I am an anxious and edgy person when she is around and fully recognize I cannot have my kids growing up with that version of me. It's not a possibility.

Op, we have the same mom. I hear you. Protect yourself and your immediate family.

[Anonymous]

How is your relationship with your brother's Dad? I'd put effort into maintaining that tie than the tie with your mother. He needs you.

I agree, get yourself to therapy. Having a safe place to vent all this out can help immensely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is your relationship with your brother's Dad? I'd put effort into maintaining that tie than the tie with your mother. He needs you.

I agree, get yourself to therapy. Having a safe place to vent all this out can help immensely.

It's non existent. You'll be shocked, but the marriage was awful. I am realizing now that my view of him can't be considered objective because so much of what he did and was like was probably in response to being married to a person like my mom. The lies, the mind games, the deceit- I think it would bring out the worst in anyone. But you're right, I have to focus there. I was in town recently for the first time in quite awhile and offered to take my mom out to dinner. I asked her to bring my brother because Iwanted to see him. She brought her newest boyfriend instead. So it's hard to even see him through my mom whereas if I work with the dad he may allow brother to come spend a week or two here in summer. Last weekend she was drinking and my brother asked his dad to come pick him up early, so my mom told him "I'm moving up to Virginia and leaving you behind anyway." I don't want him or his dad thinking I condone that or agree to it.

My husband starts a new job Monday and as soon as we get our new insurance cards I am going to find a therapist. (I don't want to find one right this second when current insurance will lapse on Sunday.) You've all convinced me it can't hurt. Maybe I can get my husband to come after awhile so he can get a better understanding of things. It's hard for him because he says things like "just completely cut her off" and doesn't understand how hard that is to just do. Or "just ask her to stop drinking" as if we haven't done that every day of our lives. It isn't his fault, he was lucky to have normal parents and just doesn't get what it's like.

[Anonymous]

In my husband's case, I found that seeing a therapist actually made him angrier with his parents. It opened his eyes to new ways in which they suck. It also helped him work on his response (the only controllable part of the mess) and his boundaries.

So I strongly recommend it, it's helped him a LOT and it's helped our relationship a lot for him to be more focused with his irritation instead of spreading it around and letting it affect our relationship.

BUT, there have been some really tough conversations for him and I think it's made him distance himself from both parents. I think it's the right thing for him in terms of his mental health, but it's not like he's really happy every day now that he's started the process. You'll have days when you feel worse for having stirred everything else. In the long run, it will definitely help you in ALL your relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my husband's case, I found that seeing a therapist actually made him angrier with his parents. It opened his eyes to new ways in which they suck. It also helped him work on his response (the only controllable part of the mess) and his boundaries.

So I strongly recommend it, it's helped him a LOT and it's helped our relationship a lot for him to be more focused with his irritation instead of spreading it around and letting it affect our relationship.

BUT, there have been some really tough conversations for him and I think it's made him distance himself from both parents. I think it's the right thing for him in terms of his mental health, but it's not like he's really happy every day now that he's started the process. You'll have days when you feel worse for having stirred everything else. In the long run, it will definitely help you in ALL your relationships.

Thank you, this is good to know.