Bar Mitzvah Question; Has anybody done this?

[Anonymous]

DS is 11 and hopes to be bar mitzvahed. I say hopes because we literally have no funds to pay for a party. We don't even belong to a synagogue but he does attend a religious school and has learned some hebrew. Has anybody done the following (or been to one like I'm proposing)?

The plan is to have a very tiny private ceremony at a restaurant followed by a lunch just for immediate family and very close aunts/uncles/cousins. We're talking maybe 30 family members. The grandparents have offered to host the meal only, no entertainment. Think private room not renting out the restaurant.

We would like to have a separate casual celebration for about 25 kids that evening. I think we can swing a budget of $1000 for the kids party. Obviously we can't afford a DJ or lavish menu. It will be super relaxed but hopefully incorporate a fun kids activity. We've heard of some people even doing bowling.

Is this ok? Is it weird to only invite friends to the party and not the ceremony? Since the ceremony is with the lunch I feel funny having kids attend and leave. The lunch will be no fun for the kids (just food and no entertainment).

We want DS to celebrate his special day but we really truly can't afford the typical celebration.

[Anonymous]

Of course it's ok!!! It sounds intimate, perfect and fun. Don't get caught up in all the excess.

[Anonymous]

Sounds great. Usually at the end of the ceremony someone sort of makes an announcement about other events. A family luncheon will follow this ceremony at XXXXX..and Larlo's friends...we will see you tonight at Bowlorama.

[Anonymous]

You could probably get a lot of mileage out of something like laser tag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is 11 and hopes to be bar mitzvahed. I say hopes because we literally have no funds to pay for a party. We don't even belong to a synagogue but he does attend a religious school and has learned some hebrew. Has anybody done the following (or been to one like I'm proposing)?

The plan is to have a very tiny private ceremony at a restaurant followed by a lunch just for immediate family and very close aunts/uncles/cousins. We're talking maybe 30 family members. The grandparents have offered to host the meal only, no entertainment. Think private room not renting out the restaurant.

We would like to have a separate casual celebration for about 25 kids that evening. I think we can swing a budget of $1000 for the kids party. Obviously we can't afford a DJ or lavish menu. It will be super relaxed but hopefully incorporate a fun kids activity. We've heard of some people even doing bowling.

Is this ok? Is it weird to only invite friends to the party and not the ceremony? Since the ceremony is with the lunch I feel funny having kids attend and leave. The lunch will be no fun for the kids (just food and no entertainment).

We want DS to celebrate his special day but we really truly can't afford the typical celebration.

I am confused - there is going to be a torah reading at a restaurant? Being called to the torah IS the ceremony of Bar/Bat mitzvah.

If I were you, I would find an indepent minyan (maybe David Shneyer's?) that would be cool with your DS being called to the torah without membership or money. Let the kids come to that if they want.

You can still do a restaurant thing with just family and a separate kids party. Keeping the fancier meal small is certainly appropriate if your means are limited.

Of course if you have access to a torah scroll, and enough relatives for a minyan, and someone skilled enough to lead (whether a rabbi or not) you can do a ceremony in a restaurant I suppose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is 11 and hopes to be bar mitzvahed. I say hopes because we literally have no funds to pay for a party. We don't even belong to a synagogue but he does attend a religious school and has learned some hebrew. Has anybody done the following (or been to one like I'm proposing)?

The plan is to have a very tiny private ceremony at a restaurant followed by a lunch just for immediate family and very close aunts/uncles/cousins. We're talking maybe 30 family members. The grandparents have offered to host the meal only, no entertainment. Think private room not renting out the restaurant.

We would like to have a separate casual celebration for about 25 kids that evening. I think we can swing a budget of $1000 for the kids party. Obviously we can't afford a DJ or lavish menu. It will be super relaxed but hopefully incorporate a fun kids activity. We've heard of some people even doing bowling.

Is this ok? Is it weird to only invite friends to the party and not the ceremony? Since the ceremony is with the lunch I feel funny having kids attend and leave. The lunch will be no fun for the kids (just food and no entertainment).

We want DS to celebrate his special day but we really truly can't afford the typical celebration.

I am confused - there is going to be a torah reading at a restaurant? Being called to the torah IS the ceremony of Bar/Bat mitzvah.

If I were you, I would find an indepent minyan (maybe David Shneyer's?) that would be cool with your DS being called to the torah without membership or money. Let the kids come to that if they want.

You can still do a restaurant thing with just family and a separate kids party. Keeping the fancier meal small is certainly appropriate if your means are limited.

Of course if you have access to a torah scroll, and enough relatives for a minyan, and someone skilled enough to lead (whether a rabbi or not) you can do a ceremony in a restaurant I suppose.

We have an officiant from our Jewish community group who will bring a Torah scroll. Those who aren't affiliated with temples do have bar mitzvahs in outside locations which include reading from the Torah. We have been to a number in hotel ballrooms. In our case, even the hotel is out of our budget so we are looking for a restaurant that will offer a private space to hold the ceremony.

My son wouldn't be comfortable participating in a service that was conservative or orthodox, but this might be a good option for a different family. We're reformed.

[Anonymous]

I have to admit that I've never heard of a Bar Mitzvah taking place outside of a synagogue, but if you have a plan in place to make it happen, I think that's great. When it comes to the celebration/party, anything goes. Don't let someone else's standards ruin your own plans. A intimate restaurant meal sounds lovely. And I don't see a problem with the evening party.

I will say that in my own experience as well as my brother's, I had weekly private torah lessons with our rabbi for the 6 months preceding my Bat Mitzvah. Hebrew school alone is likely not enough. He's going to need extra practice to be able to read the expected torah portion.

[Anonymous]

I think it sounds fine, and I think it's great that your so. Wants to celebrate becoming a bar mitzvah. I would even encourage you to reach out to a synagogue and explain your situation and I bet they would work with you. Synagogues are not in the business of turning Jews who want to practice away. I promise that they will be receptive.

[Anonymous]

Are most of your kid's friends Jewish or Christian/non Jewish?

If it a bunch of Christian kids who have never attended a bar mitzvah, they are going to think whatever party you throw is exceptionally cool, especially a party in the $1000.00 range. None of them will have experienced anything like it and what might be seen as small for a bar mitzvah will seem very extravagant to them.

--mom of Catholic boy who attended his first bar mitvah ever last year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it sounds fine, and I think it's great that your so. Wants to celebrate becoming a bar mitzvah. I would even encourage you to reach out to a synagogue and explain your situation and I bet they would work with you. Synagogues are not in the business of turning Jews who want to practice away. I promise that they will be receptive.

+1

You can certainly find some synagogues that will be receptive, but even if they are not, your idea sounds fine - and remember, it is about you, your child, and your family, not about keeping up with the Joneses. So do something that will be meaningful to your child and your family and ignore what other people think.

[Anonymous]

How on earth are you going to have a ceremony at a restaurant? I don't think any rabbi is going to allow a torah to be taken out of a temple, let alone to a place where food could get on one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How on earth are you going to have a ceremony at a restaurant? I don't think any rabbi is going to allow a torah to be taken out of a temple, let alone to a place where food could get on one.

People, she says she has an officiant who will bring the Torah and she is part of a community group where everyone has their ceremonies somewhere other than a synagogue. She doesn't want to pay for a hotel and she shouldn't have to - Op, I think your idea sounds lovely. The rest of us need to understand that times are changing and not everyone belongs to a traditional synagogue and that's ok. One of my friends' congregations in another state sold their building and now shares space with another temple. She had her son's BM at a hotel. No issues.

[Anonymous]

If I were in your situation I would go to Israel and have the bar mitzvah at the wall. A wonderful lifetime milestone memory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is 11 and hopes to be bar mitzvahed. I say hopes because we literally have no funds to pay for a party. We don't even belong to a synagogue but he does attend a religious school and has learned some hebrew. Has anybody done the following (or been to one like I'm proposing)?

The plan is to have a very tiny private ceremony at a restaurant followed by a lunch just for immediate family and very close aunts/uncles/cousins. We're talking maybe 30 family members. The grandparents have offered to host the meal only, no entertainment. Think private room not renting out the restaurant.

We would like to have a separate casual celebration for about 25 kids that evening. I think we can swing a budget of $1000 for the kids party. Obviously we can't afford a DJ or lavish menu. It will be super relaxed but hopefully incorporate a fun kids activity. We've heard of some people even doing bowling.

Is this ok? Is it weird to only invite friends to the party and not the ceremony? Since the ceremony is with the lunch I feel funny having kids attend and leave. The lunch will be no fun for the kids (just food and no entertainment).

We want DS to celebrate his special day but we really truly can't afford the typical celebration.

Is only one parent jewish? Why would you not have your kid in religious school for the last 5 years? Seems like you want the party and the gifts, but not focused on the religion. This sort of situation where people are only into it for the party, negates the meaning of a bar mitzvah.

[Anonymous]

How does he attend religious school if you are not members at a synogogue?