Bar Mitzvah Question; Has anybody done this?

[Anonymous]

I think it is great OP. Do what works for your family and budget. It sounds like you will have a very meaningful Jewish event and well-deserved celebration for your son. I wish posters would think before they post and encourage Jewish practices and celebrations whatever the form. Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is 11 and hopes to be bar mitzvahed. I say hopes because we literally have no funds to pay for a party. We don't even belong to a synagogue but he does attend a religious school and has learned some hebrew. Has anybody done the following (or been to one like I'm proposing)?

The plan is to have a very tiny private ceremony at a restaurant followed by a lunch just for immediate family and very close aunts/uncles/cousins. We're talking maybe 30 family members. The grandparents have offered to host the meal only, no entertainment. Think private room not renting out the restaurant.

We would like to have a separate casual celebration for about 25 kids that evening. I think we can swing a budget of $1000 for the kids party. Obviously we can't afford a DJ or lavish menu. It will be super relaxed but hopefully incorporate a fun kids activity. We've heard of some people even doing bowling.

Is this ok? Is it weird to only invite friends to the party and not the ceremony? Since the ceremony is with the lunch I feel funny having kids attend and leave. The lunch will be no fun for the kids (just food and no entertainment).

We want DS to celebrate his special day but we really truly can't afford the typical celebration.

Is only one parent jewish? Why would you not have your kid in religious school for the last 5 years? Seems like you want the party and the gifts, but not focused on the religion. This sort of situation where people are only into it for the party, negates the meaning of a bar mitzvah.

I'm the OP. Yes, only one parent is jewish. My son has been in religious school since K. It's definitely not about the gifts or party. We're actually deemphasizing the party by doing something small and casual. We do, however, understand that he wants to celebrate his accomplishment with his friends and not just close relatives. His party will pale in comparison to all of his friends. We live in a very affluent community where he has many jewish peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is great OP. Do what works for your family and budget. It sounds like you will have a very meaningful Jewish event and well-deserved celebration for your son. I wish posters would think before they post and encourage Jewish practices and celebrations whatever the form. Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Thank you for your kind words!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were in your situation I would go to Israel and have the bar mitzvah at the wall. A wonderful lifetime milestone memory.

This is actually what we had hoped to do, but once we researched the cost we knew we couldn't possibly afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does he attend religious school if you are not members at a synogogue?

There are many organizations in the DC area that offer religious education outside of a traditional synagogue. Some even meet right at the JCC.

[Anonymous]

We're not Reconstructionist but have gone to the Reconstructionist camp (JRF) & found the community extraordinarily welcoming of families that feel like they're "atypical" in some way. Single parents, LGBTQ, every race, ability/disability imaginable...my daughter said that "When everyone's different, then no one's different." If you're anywhere near Rockville, I'm guessing that a phone call to Adat Shalom may lead to some interesting ideas that feel just right for your family. And whatever you decide...mazel tov!!!

[Anonymous]

It's definitely not unusual to NOT have it at a synagogue. My niece had hers at a country club because they had disaffiliated with their synagogue. So they used a private rabbi who brought the scrolls to a room in the country club.

Also, a friend of mine didn't belong to a synagogue but her kids got lessons from the local Chabad. Chabad brought their Torah scrolls with them to a restaurant/catering hall and did the service there.

As for parties, one of my daughter's friends had a kids party at a trampoline place. But any celebration you do would be fine.

Last, but not least. It's "Reform" not "Reformed."

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your idea sounds great, so let's start there! No need to change a thing, and to respond to your concern about the kids, it is very "typical" for the invited guests to attend the service, then go home and return for a party in the evening. I love the idea of an intimate family luncheon celebration, and the he still gets to have a fun time with his friends later!

To add my two cents fwiw, where do you go to services on the high holidays? Or any other times? Could you talk to that rabbi about having your son's bar mitzvah at that synagogue? I ask only bc it may have more meaning for your son to do it in a synagogue rather than a restaurant (although if he doesn't feel a connection with a synagogue, that may not be true). I know that temple dues are expensive, but most synagogues are very accomodating to adjusting the dues to something affordable for you - the executive director of our synagogue does this confidentially for us every year.

[Anonymous]

I think there's a move away from the lavish parties and towards a ceremony followed by something meaningful like a charitable activity. (Contact Manna or a Wider Circle). Farbrengen (Fellowship) http://www.fabrangen.org/ could probably host the ceremony and then you could have whatever you want.
I went to a Bat Mitzvah with Kehillah Hadashah (a new community) http://www.e-kehila.org/
It was at a garden and the kids pitched tents afterwards in a field and had a sleepover.
Mazel tov on whatever you decide! Not having a huge expensive party (more like a wedding) relieves you of a lot of stress!