Reply to How can I make sure my two toxic cousins don't wreck my mom's funeral?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If you issue a public invitation you can't keep them away, but if you don't a lot of people who knew your mom won't be able to come.  I would simply not have an open mic/sharing so there is no time for them to create a public scene.  Make a script and follow it.  Also designate a large male friend to be a handler to sit by them and take them out if they cause trouble.  They don't have to know, just have him know who they are and be ready to intervene.  I did this at my wedding with my grandmother who disliked my DH for being from another religion.  [/quote]

This.

OP, I'm so sorry about the situation at your aunt's funeral. How sad. Be assured, though, that other family members dismissed these two rants as just what they were -- unbalanced rants by people everyone already knew were negative about everything, not just about your aunt.

I have never been to a funeral reception that had an "open mic" kind of event anyway, so it would seem normal to me to NOT have any kind of general sharing time. Plan not to do it at your mom's funeral so there's no opportunity for the cousins to go off on a rant again. Funerals I've attended have had maybe a visitation at the funeral home prior to the service where everyone stands around and talks, and greets the family, just before the service; afterward there is no reception but people who want to go out to lunch as a group do so (sometimes casually, along the lines of "We're all going to X for lunch right now if anyone wants to follow us in their cars...." and sometimes more formally, as in, "We've reserved a room at restaurant X and all who want to come are welcome; we start at 1:00"). But no getting up and sharing for all, like at a wedding reception.

You could keep the funeral open to all but ensure that the cousins are not told about any luncheon or other event afterward. I agree with the person posting above that if you don't do a public funeral announcement, friends of your mother's might not know about the funeral (older generations sometimes only find out about funerals when the death announcement is in the newspaper and they do sometimes want to attend based on that announcement).

Regarding a "bouncer," yes, do designate a trusted relative who will keep an eye on these cousins even if they only come to the funeral service. [/quote]

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