Help - I need a healthier perspective on getting together with in-laws

[Anonymous]

I realize I may come off sounding like a princess, but here goes. My in laws are good, well-intentioned people, but they drive me nuts and I dread spending time with them. Does anyone have suggestions for how to rearrange my mindset so that I don't dread each family gathering for months in advance?

We don't see family often. Mostly the occasional visit from someone attending a conference in DC, but we do alternate Christmas with my family and DH's family. On years when we don't spend Christmas with DH's family, they usually plan a camping trip somewhere.
I'm not entirely sure what the source of my dread is. I know I've felt varying degrees of frustration over the following at different times:
• Before we had kids a lot of the in laws had kids, so we did a lot of kid activities. Now that DH and I have a toddler, everyone else seems to be done with kids activities....except for us.
• DH and I typically have to travel the furthest and have the least vacation time. We also seem to end up in random parts of fly over country that I would never dream of visiting anyway.
• At times everyone seems to do their own thing when we get together, so why did we fly there in the first place?
• A lot of sarcasm and one SIL can't seem to say anything to my MIL without somehow criticizing my MIL's parenting style. I was raised by a single mom so I know I am a little sensitive to criticism of moms.
• Extreme frugality BY CHOICE. Nobody is rich, but no one is struggling either. I grew up with constant financial stress, so I think their extreme frugality triggers the fear I felt as a kid, that things were about to go under at any moment.

My in laws will never change. I know that. I also realize they are good people and that in the grand scheme of things all of this is really mild stuff. I would love to find a way to not dread seeing them. Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

We also seem to end up in random parts of fly over country that I would never dream of visiting anyway

I have no words for you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We also seem to end up in random parts of fly over country that I would never dream of visiting anyway

I have no words for you

Yep, I was with you and then the second I read this, I knew I wasn't going to waste time trying to help such a snob.

[Anonymous]

I'm not really seeing the down side. You all get to see each other but no one is expected to spend every waking moment together. You get to go out and do the things that you want to do, nothing is stopping you from spending money if you want to. Treat yourself to a nice brunch or a family theater performance or whatever else you want to do. Then go back and hang out with the others and catch up.

Doesn't sound as though you're a captive audience just plan your vacation and have some fun.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. Maybe the captive audience feeling is self imposed. After all, the reason we've gone to x, y, or z random place is to see family. That is the whole point. And with limited vacation I feel like that could be done more efficiently in say three days of time all together, vs. 5 days of breakfast and dinner. But each family dynamic is different. Thanks for the outsider perspective.

As for being a snob, perhaps I am. I am frustrated by spending hundreds of dollars to fly to a random state park for a week of what little vacation I have, for the purpose of seeing family, only to have everyone split up in smaller groups (and thus not really see eachother) in a place none of us really care to be. I've been to many nice state parks in the VA/MD area, but none I'd travel thousands of miles for. National parks I have visited are quite spectacular.

[Anonymous]

PPs, you use your precious vacation time and money to go to BFE Nebraska just to check it out, and because you're not a snob?

[Anonymous]

There's a significant amount of contradiction and hypocrisy in your perspective/approach, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PPs, you use your precious vacation time and money to go to BFE Nebraska just to check it out, and because you're not a snob?

It's about spending time with family. Mine is spread out, so we gather at my grandparents' lake cottage in. Indiana. Would I rather go to Yellowstone or the Grand Canyon? Yes. But not everyone can get there/can afford that, so we go Nd make the most of our time together.

And we don't spend every single second together. We break into small groups/different permutations of folks. If it ends up being do your own thing for some of the time, fine! See you all at dinner.

[Anonymous]

• Before we had kids a lot of the in laws had kids, so we did a lot of kid activities. Now that DH and I have a toddler, everyone else seems to be done with kids activities....except for us.
So you are saying that your child's grandparents don't want to do "kid stuff" with them? That seems awfully strange and sad.

• DH and I typically have to travel the furthest and have the least vacation time. We also seem to end up in random parts of fly over country that I would never dream of visiting anyway.
You can get from NYC to LA in a little over 5 hours. Does that really cut into your vacation time that much? As for "fly over country" it is sad you would "never dream" of visiting some really beautiful places.

• At times everyone seems to do their own thing when we get together, so why did we fly there in the first place?
So you are noticing that people seem to "get busy" doing their own thing when you are around. Hmmm I wonder why. Maybe your child's grandparents would be up for an activity with them ... without you.

• A lot of sarcasm and one SIL can't seem to say anything to my MIL without somehow criticizing my MIL's parenting style. I was raised by a single mom so I know I am a little sensitive to criticism of moms.
If the SIL is the child of your MIL don't involve yourself in their relationship. It is NOYB. If they are married to your MILs child, still NOYB but you can be kind and speak up in defense of your MIL ... who you dread visiting ... in those awful flyover states.

• Extreme frugality BY CHOICE. Nobody is rich, but no one is struggling either. I grew up with constant financial stress, so I think their extreme frugality triggers the fear I felt as a kid, that things were about to go under at any moment.
Someone being frugal by choice should give you confidence that they have a plan in place and are not about to go under at any moment.

I would love to find a way to not dread seeing them. Any suggestions?
I suggest you stop visiting them and have them visit you on your own turf, if you have a miserable attitude you are just going to bring everyone else down.

You should also tell them to stop being so stingy ... that should go over well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PPs, you use your precious vacation time and money to go to BFE Nebraska just to check it out, and because you're not a snob?

Right. It's OK to be a little miffed that you are using precious vacation time to go to NOT PARIS. I get it.

OP, drink wine, get the in-laws to watch the kids and just make the most of it. Go to a barn-raising or a local bowling alley. And every now an then, graciously skip to go to PARIS. Or anywhere better...

[Anonymous]

OP--what should the vacation look like in your mind? Not trying to be judgy, really trying to understand what the vacation would look like if it was your perfect world.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just have to tell myself over and over that I am doing this for my husband and kids.
And I mean multiple times per hour.
I say as little as possible, agree and smile to anything that is said, and make myself busy with dishes, kids, anything to make the time pass faster.
Even a daily morning pep talk "it's one more day. One more day. You are doing this for your family. You can do this" in the mirror kind of thing
It sounds like it's a rare visit, so just get through it

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure why PPs are dumping on you, OP. Perhaps they come from certain parts of the country that you would never dream of visiting

Do you feel that you are wasting precious free time and money on a trip to see people who, decent and well-meaning as they are, aren't that exciting?

I get that feeling with my ILs. I squelch that feeling, because they love my children and love me and can't help being from a generation and country that simply does not cater to children. They are also painfully frugal.

My advice is to accept it, lower your expectations to rock-bottom and try to eek out some enjoyment out of these trips. Your children will be fine without kid-centric activities. It's probably good for them to follow the grown-ups along for once. If they absolutely need a nap or to go to bed or eat at a certain time, then you or DH excuse yourselves and get it done.

The grandparents won't live for ever. If they're even only vaguely benevolent to your children, it's worth it.

(And don't get sucked into SIL's, or anybody else's drama.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm not sure why PPs are dumping on you, OP. Perhaps they come from certain parts of the country that you would never dream of visiting

Do you feel that you are wasting precious free time and money on a trip to see people who, decent and well-meaning as they are, aren't that exciting?

I get that feeling with my ILs. I squelch that feeling, because they love my children and love me and can't help being from a generation and country that simply does not cater to children. They are also painfully frugal.

My advice is to accept it, lower your expectations to rock-bottom and try to eek out some enjoyment out of these trips. Your children will be fine without kid-centric activities. It's probably good for them to follow the grown-ups along for once. If they absolutely need a nap or to go to bed or eat at a certain time, then you or DH excuse yourselves and get it done.

The grandparents won't live for ever. If they're even only vaguely benevolent to your children, it's worth it.

(And don't get sucked into SIL's, or anybody else's drama.)

NP. here. I would feel different if this were true. I hear you, OP. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

OP, I too, hate flyover country .I feel you. Here's one solution - you complain that both nobody wants to do kid activities AND that sometimes everyone does their own thing. So when it's time to do your own thing, do the kid activities.

Also, I think you should plan long weekends there, rather than week-long trips. Maybe DH stays with the kid the whole week, but you don't have to.