Help - I need a healthier perspective on getting together with in-laws

[Anonymous]

I get it - at least some of what you're saying OP. I certainly wouldn't want to spend my vacation budget on camping in a state park either.

But, this is how your ILs enjoy spending time together and I think you've got to make some effort to fit in with the family you've married into. You seem to agree to some extent, since you're asking for advice on how to enjoy it rather than how to get out of it.

So, I'd focus on what the kids can get out of it. Surely there's a world of things for your little one to do in a state park. Surely the cousins enjoy seeing each other, right? And hopefully it's not full of everyone on their iPad and the kids playing video games - to me, that would be a winning factor. Bring some board games, a deck of Apples to Apples cards, and try to bond with your nieces & nephews. I think if you focus on enjoying the opportunities presented that your MIL & FIL will see that you're happy and enjoying things their way and they'll appreciate that. You might feel better about being there if you focus on what you're going to put into it.

[Anonymous]

You said in your original post that they go camping on years we don't spend with them. So you're going to their house for Christmas? Why are you talking about going to random flyover places? I'm very confused about where Christmas is being held.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the thoughts and suggestions. I know my initial post was somewhat contradictory. 10+ years with this family, lots of individual humans = some contradictions I suppose, in addition to my own confusion (hence the reason I started this thread). I tried to be somewhat succinct in my main frustrations. To respond to some comments/questions.

I definitely do NOT involve myself in my SIL's criticism of my MIL. Its just the whole environment of sarcasm and rudeness that sets me on edge. I'm probably too sensitive. Actually, in general I think that may be the source of my biggest issue. Too sensitive, care too much about trying to "fit it." My perception here (may not be reality) is that the siblings try to plan activities for everyone to do as a group, but at some point one or more people get miffed about something, and then just start doing their own thing and "the plan" falls apart. So this is why I've been reluctant to plan my own activities. I don't want to be part of breaking up the party. But it happens. Every. single. time. Lately, some siblings have just started sending emails like "I know we're getting together this week. I'm not available these specific days or times. I'm doing something else." As I've mentioned, its been 10+ years. I've tried really hard during that time to NOT rock the boat, go with the flow, and try to figure out this family's dynamic. I just don't get it. I still don't want to rock boats, but maybe I can find even some space to do things I want to. Others can come too if they want, or not.

To the fly over country confusion, we tend to spend Christmas with them either in the city DH grew up in, or in a city one of the siblings lives in. We camp in the summers in random places that are far from airports ("fly over country"). So fly for say 3-5+ hours, depending on lay overs, then drive for 4-5 hours = the better part of a day and hundreds of dollars on tickets + rental car traveling somewhere that is no better than a state park I could drive to in about an hour from where I live now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We also seem to end up in random parts of fly over country that I would never dream of visiting anyway

I have no words for you

Well, I happen to share her view. Having grown up in a small midwestern town, the idea of spending my vacation in such a place (where, frankly, there is little reason for anyone to be there) grates on my nerves. Yes, I realize there are some charming places in between the coasts. But, it's not wrong to say you don't prefer to travel to those places.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you. I always say spending time with relatives is NOT a vacation.

I would hate to spend time camping in the middle of nowhere.

You need to say no. You only live once.

[Anonymous]

now that we've settled in a location away from family, we are pretty up front about requesting how and when we vacation. i coordinate with my parents and brother and my DH's immediate family. We've had to let some relationships slide with our extended families.

can you be more involved in the planning of time together? would that make a difference? If I were you, I would pick a time of the year that works for your family and say "hey! we're visiting! so excited to see everybody!" and yes, i would end every sentence in an exclamation mark.

[Anonymous]

Things that you are seeing as "stubbornly set in their ways" are often unconscious decisions that don't feel like decisions at all. It's a dynamic that has developed over years and sometimes generations, and it's hard to see outside our own experiences sometimes.

The are kind, they are different, they are annoying. That's all okay. That's how families are.

[Anonymous]

Wine! Seriously. It really helps me deal with my annoying, but not toxic, in-laws.

[Anonymous]

If nothing else, you can view it as the price you pay for having a wonderful DH and DC.

Suck it up and open yourself to the idea that this is fair.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore these mean posters. My ILs are also from flyover country and I HATE visiting them. They are also very cheap and want to take trips with them in an 18 year old RV. NO THANKS!

[Anonymous]

If you don't like the destinations that are picked, have you and your husband ever offered to plan one of the get togethers? Then choose where you want to go.
Also, if spending precious vacation time and money to go somewhere you don't desire to really bothers you then compromise. Offer to meet up with family there for a long weekend instead of burning through a whole week.
At the end of the day, try to remember that these trips are gifts to your husband and DC. Then suck it up. Maybe going to "fly over country" will help you appreciate where you do live. I think you realize that you need some perspective here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I just have to tell myself over and over that I am doing this for my husband and kids.
And I mean multiple times per hour.
I say as little as possible, agree and smile to anything that is said, and make myself busy with dishes, kids, anything to make the time pass faster.
Even a daily morning pep talk "it's one more day. One more day. You are doing this for your family. You can do this" in the mirror kind of thing
It sounds like it's a rare visit, so just get through it

And that is the way that you spend YOUR annual family vacation? Instead of enjoying time with your kids and husband, you silently grit your teeth and deal while dh and the kids enjoy themselves? Don't take this the wrong way, but it almost sounds as though you are playing the martyr and sacrificing your own happiness in the process.

Maybe you all need to consider dividing this visits in 1/2 time spent with his family and 1/2 time away somewhere just your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I just have to tell myself over and over that I am doing this for my husband and kids.
And I mean multiple times per hour.
I say as little as possible, agree and smile to anything that is said, and make myself busy with dishes, kids, anything to make the time pass faster.
Even a daily morning pep talk "it's one more day. One more day. You are doing this for your family. You can do this" in the mirror kind of thing
It sounds like it's a rare visit, so just get through it

And that is the way that you spend YOUR annual family vacation? Instead of enjoying time with your kids and husband, you silently grit your teeth and deal while dh and the kids enjoy themselves? Don't take this the wrong way, but it almost sounds as though you are playing the martyr and sacrificing your own happiness in the process.

Maybe you all need to consider dividing this visits in 1/2 time spent with his family and 1/2 time away somewhere just your family.

Not pp you quoted but for me I would prefer not to spend my vacation with my inlaws but this year we did. I am an adult who can get through the event and get on with my life. We didn't spend our vacation with them last year and will not spend it with them next year so it is a sacrifice I'm willing to make form time to time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I too, hate flyover country .I feel you. Here's one solution - you complain that both nobody wants to do kid activities AND that sometimes everyone does their own thing. So when it's time to do your own thing, do the kid activities.

Also, I think you should plan long weekends there, rather than week-long trips. Maybe DH stays with the kid the whole week, but you don't have to.

Ah, the typical DCUM hatered for "flyover country." There are parts of "flyover country" that are much more beautiful and interesting than anything in the DMV. But, please keep making assumptions about parts of the country you know little about (other than the occasional visit to the ILs). Maybe someday you will convince yourself that sitting in traffic on the beltway and paying a million dollars for a crapshack is just the most awesome way to live and that the joke is on the poor sods in "flyover country" with all of their lakes and parks and beautiful homes and all.

[Anonymous]

OP, why don't you take the lead on the family vacation planning? Pick somewhere you don't mind going?