Special needs parenting and divorce
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Anonymous
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Our DD is only 12 months so I know it's still early, but she's pretty delayed and after our appointment with the developmental pediatrician, I just lost it and I haven't really been able to get a grip and stop crying / feeling guilty like I did something to cause this. This has been going on for a few months, the more and more her delays are becoming more pronounced and the more and more I'm realizing she probably won't just "catch up."
Tonight my husband just told me he's had it and can't deal with me anymore and I told him I need a week apart to just sort of get it together, reel my emotions back in, and try to come to terms with the fact that we process things differently (he is stoic and I'm emotional). He responded with, if I leave for a week, I leave for good. I said, fine, and then he left. He's incredibly involved with our daughter so I know he'll be around for her which is what's most important but, I wonder, how do others on the SN board keep their marriages intact. Is it possible? We knew each other for 6 years before marrying but we were only married for 3 months before we became pregnant. Perhaps if we had been more established in our marriage, this wouldn't be so hard. I don't know... |
Anonymous
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Will he agree to counseling? We are hanging in there with our marriage, but it is hard with SN. My husband also has limited patience with my constant mulling stuff over. We have a SN teen who has been going through tough times and my husband's reaction is to withdraw from him and me. We are in counseling and it does help some. It sounds like you could use someone to talk to even if he won't go.
Hugs OP. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thank you for your kindness. Hugs to you as well. Yes, I definitely need counseling. I guess I was in denial so I didn't really seek it out for myself. He won't consider counseling because he thinks I'm just being crazy and can't manage my emotions. He basically said he can't help me and he doesn't want to work on our marriage. I'm just feeling so sad. |
Anonymous
| You also have to consider that you guys are still so new to parenting. I remember that my marriage was at one of its lowest points ever when our child was that age. I think this is common. You just have to want to work it out. Things get a bit easier as children grow. You get more into the rhythm of parenting. You catch your breath and can spend more couple time again. |
Anonymous
| More hugs to you OP. Get yourself to a counselor so you can start feeling better, and then worry about your marriage. |
Anonymous
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Honestly, you are better off without him. Those of us with a special needs child understand what you are saying. Its scary, its stressful and the worry can consume you. But, that's when you have to come together as a couple, not divide. If he cannot support you, then there is no point being with with someone like that. Our marriage works as my husband is very understanding and he is committed to both of us. Its very hard, stressful and exhausting especially when you have doctor appointments and therapies.
Your child is young. My child had severe delays. It was hard from about 1-4/5.. we are finally seeing progress and its so much easier. Hang in there and hope it gets better. Early delays can last for years but they do not have to be life long. |
Anonymous
| You did nothing to cause your daughter's delays. Mom's can have the perfect pregnancy and do everything right and something terrible happens. This is not your fault and you are a great mom for recognizing the issue and getting your child the help she needs. |
Anonymous
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OP again. Thank you all.
I'm hopeful counseling will help - at least me. I just wish I could be more relaxed about it all like my husband seems to be. Sometimes I find myself lashing out at him for not "caring" more when, in reality, he cares a great deal, he just doesn't wallow in it like I do. He went to a hotel for the night. I'm hoping we can work it out but I just don't know. We never talk about anything other than her delays anymore. We aren't intimate and we barely hug anymore. My entire focus is work and trying to keep it together to be strong for my daughter (which I'm not doing very well). How do other SN parents keep their marriage a priority? |
Anonymous
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I am the PP. I think in some ways my husband is just as torn up as I am, but being a problem solving, no nonsense kind of guy can't admit it - then he just kind of withdraws. We are from an ethnic and religious background where divorce is not very acceptable, so that may keep us married (although not always very happily). My son has ADHD and made a really bad choice two years ago which we are still living with.
I hope your husband's love for your DD will bring him back so that you all can determine how to go forward from here. |
Anonymous
| ^^^^^^ I should say I am the first PP. |
Anonymous
| I highly recommend counseling for you, and time. In my marriage my dh is the one who is very emotional and doesn't process things well. He was always down and angry. He finally went to counseling and it helped him, as did just time passing and getting more sleep. He's still not great at accepting when we hit new bumps along the road, but I give him time to process and he tries. It's a lot of work for the parent who is trying to keep everyone together.... I suggest you work on yourself and recognize that your husband is grieving the loss of what he envisioned for his kid and also feels like he doesn't fully have his wife either. Running away will not help. And solo parenting a SN kid when you have a husband who wants to help a lot doesn't make sense at all to me. This sounds like it is t about him but about you (unless you left out pertinent information). |
Anonymous
I agree with this. Like you say, you're different personality types. He's reacting in his way; you and yours. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Consider an antidepressant if your doctor finds it appropriate. Give some time for the dust to settle. Focus on your DD. Then re-visit the marriage issue a little ways down the road. Having a SN kid can be hell on a marriage. I know spilt couples who work better together than married ones. Either way if you are both committed to your kid, that is the most important thing. Big Hug. |
Anonymous
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Don't have a SN child, but did have a stillbirth. Best advice we got was "Be kind to each other. You'll grieve in different ways." The first few months were really hard. I was so down and weepy. He was stoic and keeping it together. It seemed like he didn't care that our baby died. And he was angry at me for being so upset. And I was angry because, how could he NOT be upset?
It took a HUGE fight for us to start to figure it out. DH was trying to show how much he loved and cared about me and our baby by taking care of me (physically), the house, etc. And he was frustrated at me for being upset since it was just a sign that he couldn't fix things. I just wanted him to shut up and quit trying to tell me logically why I shouldn't be upset, and just hold me when I cried. It was a large turning point for us. I remember the next time I just broke down and cried, he held me and I could tell he wanted to do something. But he just bit his tongue. I know it was hard for him. At the end I thanked him for being so wonderful and that it really helped just having him hold me. His response, "Really?!?! That's it?!?!? I don't need to DO anything? I just have to hold you? And that makes it better?" And I learned that I just need to let him grieve in his way, even if it looks like it's not from my perspective. Months later and I'm doing better and feel like I've gone through the deepest grief. But DH, the grief is coming out in other really unexpected ways. But it shows that he is processing it, just in his way. Sounds like you and your DH need to have a conversation not about the mechanics of your SN child. But what you are feeling and how you both can help you get through this. Your DH may just need a reminder that you are emotional (and that's how you process things) and he can help you by just holding you. I also think some therapy for you might help. There is a grieving process involved in not having a perfect child. I know logically you know that. But emotionally, it's hard to not catastrophize the worst case scenario. Having someone to talk to that isn't DH may help you work through your deepest darkest fears. Good Luck, it does get better. |
Anonymous
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OP, I keep coming back to your post because I know how hard it is to maintain a marriage when you have a child with special needs (I am the person who posted a couple of times above - I have the special needs teen). I hope you don't mind if I say I have been praying for you.
You have gotten a lot of good responses! Two things that stick out for me are 1) People grieve differently. To some extent this may be gender based, but as someone above points out, in her case, she was the less emotional one. Your husband may be kind of like mine. Mine thinks about the concrete things he can do, like go to work everyday and earn money to pay for the stuff his family needs. But he is still grieving - our son will never be able to follow in his footsteps occupationally, etc. 2). Don't give up on your marriage yet (unless there are factors like abuse which you haven't shared). It is hard to single parent in any case and especially hard to do so with a kid with special needs. If you have real life friends and family you can share with (I hope you do) - do so. I hope you have someone in real life who can listen to you sympathetically and nonjudgmentally. Just know you are not alone. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thank you, PP.
I don't want to give up on our marriage but we are so far apart now that I don't know if we can put the marriage back together. We have no intimacy whatsoever. We're like two roommates who aren't even good friends anymore. I know caring for our daughter would be infinitely more difficult if we tried to go at it alone but I don't know if that is a good reason to stay married. |