Special needs parenting and divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you, PP.

I don't want to give up on our marriage but we are so far apart now that I don't know if we can put the marriage back together. We have no intimacy whatsoever. We're like two roommates who aren't even good friends anymore. I know caring for our daughter would be infinitely more difficult if we tried to go at it alone but I don't know if that is a good reason to stay married.

OP, I don't have a special needs child. I am, however, divorced. We separated when (neurotypical) DD was 2.

In terms of getting him to go to counseling with you, perhaps you could frame it as you needing to go to help you process your daughter's challenges. It is completely reasonable for you to feel overwhelmed, to be grieving, etc. It is also completely reasonable for you to need your husband's love and support when you're having a hard time coping. Perhaps you could start with individual counseling, and then present it to him as your therapist suggesting that you come in as a couple to put together a self-care plan for your family as a unit? It sounds like you guys have been hit with a lot in a very short time. Maybe you have different ways of coping, and that's fine, but you need to also be patient with each other and recognize that you respond to things differently.

I went to counseling on my own when my ex refused to go with me. I tried this approach to get him in the room and, while it didn't work, when we did end up separating, I felt like based on the counseling and the time spent trying to work out my own issues and feelings, that I had given it my best shot. I'm really sorry you're going through this. Please do something nice for yourself today.

[Anonymous]

I'm a divorced mom of a 4 year old. My daughter was born at 29w with significant delays. For me and my ex, when it was just the two of us we thought we were great communicators, but once we had our baby, it became increasingly clear that we just hadn't previously had any conflicts, and we had no skills to deal with conflict.

I would definitely suggest therapy (and if your spouse is reluctant, you could frame it as "everyone is going to look down on us if we get divorced, let's at least show them we did everything we could), talk to a spiritual advisor-either alone or as a couple, and find childcare you trust so you can spend time alone together. Once you have time together, you really need to work on re-establishing a sexual relationship-sex really does bond people and smooth over the rough spots. All the best to you OP, I know couples who have come back from very bad places.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP with a stillbirth.

No wonder you are so stressed out. You are fighting a war on two fronts. Can you and DH agree to be kind to each other until you have a better idea of what you are dealing with concerning DC? This is a really, really bad time to be making decisions concerning your marriage.

Yes, you are right, you shouldn't stay married to someone you are just roommates with (and not even friends). But you guys are in the midst of a major trauma. It's like trying to decide to get a divorce while the ship is sinking. You have to get stabilized and your head on straight before you decide to leave your child's father.

Try to find a way to be kind to each other. Maybe agree to not make any decisions about your marriage for 6 months to a year. If you are kind to each other, you can wait a year to get a divorce. That should give you some space to focus on your child and his/her needs.

[Anonymous]

+1 on the above.
We have a child with significant needs and our marriage has been quite troubled. There is a lot going on but I've been reading this thread with interest because I identify with the parts about difference in grieving. It has been a years long process for me and I'm still not healed. Sometimes I feel angry because my husband does not feel the sense of urgency over our child's issues that I have/display. i feel angry and lash out when he is more motivated by other things.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wish I could say that it would get better but in my case it didn't. DH, now ex-DH, really tried. We were in therapy for 2 years! In the end, we had to split up for the benefit of our child. His delays are not global, he has autism spectrum but when you have two overachiever parents, it's really hard to accept your child's shortcomings. We are much better partners than before. But all the intimacy is gone. It's been a year since our divorce and it still hurts. Neither of us are dating anyone seriously. We actually talk more than we did while we were married.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you shouldn't decide anything about your marriage right now. Having a baby is very stressful, and many couples go through times with our without SN where they feel like they should be divorced.

My dd's didn't have obvious SN when they were that age, but still me and dh had little intimacy and felt like roommates for a long time just trying to raise 2 kids. Our older dd does have ADHD, but finally now that our children our older, I feel like the tide has turned, and our marriage has weathered the stress.

During all of this, my dh lost his job and ended up being a SAHD for 6 years. I remember one time, he threatened to move out and live in a tent in the woods! But we kept with it, and came out the other side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, you are better off without him. Those of us with a special needs child understand what you are saying. Its scary, its stressful and the worry can consume you. But, that's when you have to come together as a couple, not divide. If he cannot support you, then there is no point being with with someone like that. Our marriage works as my husband is very understanding and he is committed to both of us. Its very hard, stressful and exhausting especially when you have doctor appointments and therapies.

Your child is young. My child had severe delays. It was hard from about 1-4/5.. we are finally seeing progress and its so much easier. Hang in there and hope it gets better. Early delays can last for years but they do not have to be life long.

Okay WOW!! Where in the world made you jump to that conclusion PP?!

We all process grief differently for God's sake! You have no idea what kind of DH or father this guy is, so to say that OP would be better off without him is cruel.

They have just been told that their DD may never catch up, which may or may not be true because our minds our capable of so much if you get the right therapy and don't stop trying! When we received our DX for our DS 7 years ago I cried and cried and cried just like OP. I went into such a funk that I had to go onto anti-depressents just to get through the day. I honestly think that I developed PTSD as it took me a really long time to come out of my funk, and to stop crying, and to start talking to my friends and family again.

DH is more the "stoic" type just like OP's DH and thank GOD he is because the last thing we both needed at that time was both of us falling apart. Someone needed to "get a grip", and it sure as hell wasn't me!

And her DH's reaction that if he left he wouldn't come back is all BS. Of course he's going to come back! Unless he is just using this situation as an excuse to get out of the marriage. Which means he's having an affair. But outside of that, his reaction while inappropriate was not abnormal. OP cries, he recoils. Don't for one minute think he isn't also reeling and scared.

They need counseling. Hopefully they both have family that they can lean on to get support and advice.

[Anonymous]

Another SN mom with a husband who processes info very very differently -- to the point that we can remember doctor's appts and IEP meetings almost wildly apart and it is MADDENING. But it can also be grounding too. It gives you a chance to think through your hurt, your offense, that snarky letter you want to write...

OP, maybe your husband could be more supportive. But maybe you too could say to yourself...delays are not the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, you are better off without him. Those of us with a special needs child understand what you are saying. Its scary, its stressful and the worry can consume you. But, that's when you have to come together as a couple, not divide. If he cannot support you, then there is no point being with with someone like that. Our marriage works as my husband is very understanding and he is committed to both of us. Its very hard, stressful and exhausting especially when you have doctor appointments and therapies.

Your child is young. My child had severe delays. It was hard from about 1-4/5.. we are finally seeing progress and its so much easier. Hang in there and hope it gets better. Early delays can last for years but they do not have to be life long.

Okay WOW!! Where in the world made you jump to that conclusion PP?!

We all process grief differently for God's sake! You have no idea what kind of DH or father this guy is, so to say that OP would be better off without him is cruel.

They have just been told that their DD may never catch up, which may or may not be true because our minds our capable of so much if you get the right therapy and don't stop trying! When we received our DX for our DS 7 years ago I cried and cried and cried just like OP. I went into such a funk that I had to go onto anti-depressents just to get through the day. I honestly think that I developed PTSD as it took me a really long time to come out of my funk, and to stop crying, and to start talking to my friends and family again.

DH is more the "stoic" type just like OP's DH and thank GOD he is because the last thing we both needed at that time was both of us falling apart. Someone needed to "get a grip", and it sure as hell wasn't me!

And her DH's reaction that if he left he wouldn't come back is all BS. Of course he's going to come back! Unless he is just using this situation as an excuse to get out of the marriage. Which means he's having an affair. But outside of that, his reaction while inappropriate was not abnormal. OP cries, he recoils. Don't for one minute think he isn't also reeling and scared.

They need counseling. Hopefully they both have family that they can lean on to get support and advice.

He left and went to a hotel. That is pretty telling. When I cried and cried with our diagnosis, my husband held me, and told me to do what every I thought was best with therapies and he will 100% support it and help in any way he can. You aren't the only one who was devastated by a diagnosis. We've also had something else horrible happen and while it was stressful and we cycled in our marriage, he 100% supported me.

[Anonymous]

OP, a couple thoughts:

You did NOTHING to cause her delays any more than you could have consciously chosen to make her hair brown or her eyes blue. This is how she is, and it's NOT your fault. Don't blame yourself.

If you don't mind saying, what kind of delays is she facing and is there a diagnosis a developmental pediatrician has in mind? This can be helpful to know because parents here have a wide range of experience with many different delays and diagnoses and may be able to offer specific guidance.

Finally, I think the break was a smart to ask for. One week for both of you to clear your heads. My husband and I process differently as well, and it can lead to conflict where he thinks I "don't care" (because I don't get emotional when most upset, I shut down and truly function at a very basic level until I can fully process what's happened). It doesn't mean I don't care though. This might be your husband. What would be most helpful is for BOTH of you to attend individual and marriage counseling to work out your feelings. He's her dad no matter what your status as married people is, so it would be beneficial for him to work out how he will handle any diagnosis as her dad AND as your spouse/co-parent.

Know that you've got a very experienced and helpful shoulder to cry on on this board. Some of the best support I got when we were facing some delays with my oldest was from this board. They are kind, encouraging, empathetic, and they've been there.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to react the "right" way. Your husband leaving wasn't the right way... you crying for three months probably wasn't the right way. You need to find a way that works for you both and for your family.

You owe that to your child. Barring physical abuse or anything crazy going on. That's my opinion. Marriage is hard. No one prepares you for how hard it gets once kids are added to the mix.

Most of us have gone through the rough patches. It took a lot of tears, fights and then meeting in the middle. That's what you need to find here.

For the record, most of us have cried (a lot)... but then turned that fear into action. Maybe you need to start looking ahead to what therapies or steps you can take to better your child's future instead of dwelling on your own pain. Maybe you have done this...

[Anonymous]

First, you didn't do anything to cause this.

You need to go to counseling on your own first. Rule out any lingering ppd. Deal with the reality of any possible condition and what that means. Look at this from your husband's perspective - he recently found out his child will likely never lead the life he envisioned and now, all of a sudden, he has the added responsibility of taking care of the child's extra needs AND you - he no longer has the child he envisioned, he also doesn't have the partner he thought he did. If you are wallowing, inconsolable, non-functioning, and lashing out at him - plus YOU are the one wanting a week break from everything, how do you think that makes him feel? Overburdened, unappreciated to start.

My wife had a hard time during our child's diagnosis. Some of it was ppd, part denial. It was difficult, I considered divorce but hung around because divorce would not have solved everything, and I was not convinced she could handle any custody on her own well - it would not have been in the best interest of the child.

Things have gotten better with medication and counseling, mostly she goes on her own, occasionally I join her. It is hard, it sucks, it isn't fair, but don't make it about you and your reaction. Keep the focus on your daughter. Nothing in the special needs community is cheap, quick, or easy. Divorce will make everything harder - finances, logistics, consistent approaches, environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't have a SN child, but did have a stillbirth. Best advice we got was "Be kind to each other. You'll grieve in different ways." The first few months were really hard. I was so down and weepy. He was stoic and keeping it together. It seemed like he didn't care that our baby died. And he was angry at me for being so upset. And I was angry because, how could he NOT be upset?

It took a HUGE fight for us to start to figure it out. DH was trying to show how much he loved and cared about me and our baby by taking care of me (physically), the house, etc. And he was frustrated at me for being upset since it was just a sign that he couldn't fix things. I just wanted him to shut up and quit trying to tell me logically why I shouldn't be upset, and just hold me when I cried.

It was a large turning point for us. I remember the next time I just broke down and cried, he held me and I could tell he wanted to do something. But he just bit his tongue. I know it was hard for him. At the end I thanked him for being so wonderful and that it really helped just having him hold me. His response, "Really?!?! That's it?!?!? I don't need to DO anything? I just have to hold you? And that makes it better?"

And I learned that I just need to let him grieve in his way, even if it looks like it's not from my perspective. Months later and I'm doing better and feel like I've gone through the deepest grief. But DH, the grief is coming out in other really unexpected ways. But it shows that he is processing it, just in his way.

Sounds like you and your DH need to have a conversation not about the mechanics of your SN child. But what you are feeling and how you both can help you get through this. Your DH may just need a reminder that you are emotional (and that's how you process things) and he can help you by just holding you.

I also think some therapy for you might help. There is a grieving process involved in not having a perfect child. I know logically you know that. But emotionally, it's hard to not catastrophize the worst case scenario. Having someone to talk to that isn't DH may help you work through your deepest darkest fears.

Good Luck, it does get better.

I'm so sorry for your terrible loss, PP. How wonderful that you and your husband have learned more about how to support each other in your grief. I hope your marriage continues to become stronger and that you can find greater happiness and peace as time goes on.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to decide what you really want for your marriage, own your own responsibility, and communicate with him. Don't assume he understands what you feel and what you want. Your daughter's delays are not your fault. Your being in tears for months is not your fault either, but it IS your fault if you don't acknowledge it's not a healthy situation for you, your child, or your marriage and try to change it. If you want to save your marriage, you need to be very clear and show him that you want to change how things are right now for you as an individual and as a couple and come up with a plan.

My husband and I separated for a year. Things aren't all roses now, but we sure communicate a lot better than we did before and we appreciate each other in ways we never did before. We also accept each others differences and find ways to get what we each need without trying to change the other person.

[Anonymous]

Your post is entitled "Special Needs Parenting and divorce" but this is really "My Severe Depression and Divorce" -- isn't it? Your husband isn't leaving because he can't cope with your child's delays. He left because you have basically had a breakdown and you are not doing anything about it.

OP, your daughter is delayed. I'm sorry, we've been there. But it's time to pick up and move on. Many parents can't cope with special needs but throwing this on the back of special needs kind of makes me angry. You strike me as someone who has difficulty coping. If you can't cope, do something about it. Don't make it your daughter's problem too.