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[quote=Anonymous]Don't have a SN child, but did have a stillbirth. Best advice we got was "Be kind to each other. You'll grieve in different ways." The first few months were really hard. I was so down and weepy. He was stoic and keeping it together. It seemed like he didn't care that our baby died. And he was angry at me for being so upset. And I was angry because, how could he NOT be upset?

It took a HUGE fight for us to start to figure it out. DH was trying to show how much he loved and cared about me and our baby by taking care of me (physically), the house, etc. And he was frustrated at me for being upset since it was just a sign that he couldn't fix things. I just wanted him to shut up and quit trying to tell me logically why I shouldn't be upset, and just hold me when I cried.

It was a large turning point for us. I remember the next time I just broke down and cried, he held me and I could tell he wanted to do something. But he just bit his tongue. I know it was hard for him. At the end I thanked him for being so wonderful and that it really helped just having him hold me. His response, "Really?!?! That's it?!?!? I don't need to DO anything? I just have to hold you? And that makes it better?"

And I learned that I just need to let him grieve in his way, even if it looks like it's not from my perspective. Months later and I'm doing better and feel like I've gone through the deepest grief. But DH, the grief is coming out in other really unexpected ways. But it shows that he is processing it, just in his way.

Sounds like you and your DH need to have a conversation not about the mechanics of your SN child. But what you are feeling and how you both can help you get through this. Your DH may just need a reminder that you are emotional (and that's how you process things) and he can help you by just holding you.

I also think some therapy for you might help. There is a grieving process involved in not having a perfect child. I know logically you know that. But emotionally, it's hard to not catastrophize the worst case scenario. Having someone to talk to that isn't DH may help you work through your deepest darkest fears.

Good Luck, it does get better.[/quote]

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