Could use some advice re not getting drawn in, family secrets and drama etc...

[Anonymous]

So I am the oldest child in a quite dysfunctional, but high-functioning family (at least until recently.) I'm almost 50, my youngest sibling is 40 and she is in crisis (which is not new.)

Her latest dramas involve medical crises that seem to be largely psychological (which is not to say that they are all psychosomatic, but some definitely seem to be and some are highly over dramaticized), a collapsing marriage, young kids paying a heartbreakingly high price for their parents' drama, and blow-out arguments with our parents. She and I have always been close but decades of drama have taken their toll and I have gotten better at maintaining some boundaries. (I also have my own nuclear family to enjoy, care for, protect, and serve as focus to keep me from getting too involved.)

Now she wants to have lunch and "provide context to what is happening in my life.... tell you some things I've told no one other than my husband..."

This reads to me like a dramatic telling of dark secrets that may or may not be true or accurate, but will almost certainly put some of her burden on me, or at least involve me more deeply in her emotional state.

What I'd like to say is thanks but no thanks. I'd rather not be the keeper of secrets, and especially if those secrets put me in an awkward position with other family members.

However, I am her big sister, she leans on me tremendously, and I don't want to be a source of further pain or splintering in the family. I want to try to find a way to maintain the boundaries and lack of engagement that I've been reasonably good at for the past 20+ years, without turning away from her when she's in crisis.

Intellectually I know enough (and have done enough reading) to think that I can and should say that I'd rather not hear these things, and that here are my boundaries, etc...

Emotionally it feels pretty impossible to be that firm.

Ideas? Suggestions? (And thanks - I know that was long.)

[Anonymous]

I would say, "I'm willing to support you and help you, but I'm not comfortable being the keeper of secrets that may put me in an awkward position with other family members." See what she says. If she really does want to dump some secrets, I'd suggest that a professional therapist would be a better person to help her, as they would not have other relationships to balance out.

[Anonymous]

I'd just put it on me..... Say my therapist tells me to do this to stay healthy and repeat and be firm. Suggest how much therapy and having a safe person to talk to who isn't in a relationship with all the other people in her life would give a better ear.

[Anonymous]

Meet in a place that makes it impossible to tell a long story.

[Anonymous]

You have a lot going on right now, but that you support her.

[Anonymous]

As long as she is buying you the lunch, I'd go for the free lunch. Just tune out the gossip and enjoy your free lunch.

[Anonymous]

If it is that dramatic be prepared for some type of sexual abuse or trauma. Isn't thar something that you would want to support her through

[Anonymous]

I think your reaction is odd. Go to lunch with your sister and see what she has to say.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks all.

15:55 - your advice is spot on and I did end up saying something very similar (in a longer overall message that tried to communicate my support clear also.)

19:18 - I also said some similar things to this (she is in therapy currently and has been for almost 20 years, and I referenced my own limitations.)

7:17 - yes, I think she may be implying something that dramatic, which is part of why I am not best equipped to help her. Nor do I think that keeping dark secrets is a useful approach for anyone - she has clinical professionals supporting her and that would be the best place to start working through anything of this nature - if that is the case. So I totally support that, I just can't take on her burden in secrecy.

7:52 - I totally understand your reaction. It's a normal healthy response. I wish our family was normal and healthy enough for it to be this simple.

Thanks all for the feedback and suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Too bad, OP, you need to be there. It sounds like your sister is messed up to some degree, and what she may want to share with you may be a long-held secret that explains why, at least in part, she is that way. You say you have kids of your own: is this how you would want one to treat the other, forty years down the line? I doubt it.

[Anonymous]

What if what your sister wants to share is that there's a child molester in the family? Are you going tell her you're not interested in hearing it?

You know her and her patterns better than any of us, but I would go the lunch and just be clear that you want to support her and you're here for her, but you don't intend to take sides, nor do you feel she owes you an explanation. If she still wants to unload, then okay - she can say what she wants. It's not going to effect your relationship with the other members of your family (baring molestation, though I wouldn't name the exemption given what you've shared). I've had relatives insist on telling me their side of the story in a battle I made sure not to be a part of. They wanted to be seen as sympathetic in my eyes - I tried to make it clear no explanation was necessary, or even wanted, that I don't consider their beef with others to be beef with me, but ultimately they still wanted to share their side of the story with a loved one. So I listened. It wasn't the whole truth, but okay, now I know what everyone thought they were doing and why. It's still none of my business, but I have full vision from all perspectives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all.

15:55 - your advice is spot on and I did end up saying something very similar (in a longer overall message that tried to communicate my support clear also.)

19:18 - I also said some similar things to this (she is in therapy currently and has been for almost 20 years, and I referenced my own limitations.)

7:17 - yes, I think she may be implying something that dramatic, which is part of why I am not best equipped to help her. Nor do I think that keeping dark secrets is a useful approach for anyone - she has clinical professionals supporting her and that would be the best place to start working through anything of this nature - if that is the case. So I totally support that, I just can't take on her burden in secrecy.

7:52 - I totally understand your reaction. It's a normal healthy response. I wish our family was normal and healthy enough for it to be this simple.

Thanks all for the feedback and suggestions.

Wow, if it's 7:17 and you don't want to hear it? I am glad you are not my sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too bad, OP, you need to be there. It sounds like your sister is messed up to some degree, and what she may want to share with you may be a long-held secret that explains why, at least in part, she is that way. You say you have kids of your own: is this how you would want one to treat the other, forty years down the line? I doubt it.

I am here. I am just not willing to sacrifice myself or my family on the altar of her drama.

I understand it's easy to judge, and I have only provided the bare snippets of information, but my sister is far from blameless in the family drama and has been the direct source of much pain in the past 6 months.

I am at peace with what I am able to do for her, for my nuclear family to whom my primary allegiance lies, and to my parents and other siblings.

[Anonymous]

You can refuse to listen to her, but you have to accept the consequences of doing so. I wonder if your refusal to listen to her is just a way for you to get control of the situation. I think it will backfire. All she will do is tell you something; you don't have to do anything about it. If you feel like you can't have a relationship with her that is for other reasons, not because she wants to tell you this one thing. What could be so important about this one thing that you feel like you can't even hear it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too bad, OP, you need to be there. It sounds like your sister is messed up to some degree, and what she may want to share with you may be a long-held secret that explains why, at least in part, she is that way. You say you have kids of your own: is this how you would want one to treat the other, forty years down the line? I doubt it.

I am here. I am just not willing to sacrifice myself or my family on the altar of her drama.

I understand it's easy to judge, and I have only provided the bare snippets of information, but my sister is far from blameless in the family drama and has been the direct source of much pain in the past 6 months.

I am at peace with what I am able to do for her, for my nuclear family to whom my primary allegiance lies, and to my parents and other siblings.

Then why are you on this board seeking input from others? If what 7:17 said is correct, and who knows, it is probably not, I would want to know, at least for the safety of my own kids. And it's the messed up people, our siblings and kids in particular, even if they may be completely to blame, who you need to be there for. Like I said, I can't imagine you'd want one of your kids to treat their siblings with the dispassionate interest you're willing to show.