Could use some advice re not getting drawn in, family secrets and drama etc...

[Anonymous]

Op,
If she is going through a divorce I'm sure she is trying to get "her side" out, and is trying to get your support, as her sister.
It's typical in divorced for both sides to feel wronged and want to blame the other, almost like dividing up a PE class into teams, except it's friends and family.

I have a couple suggestions:
1. Give yourself an out so you don't get stuck at lunch forever "Susan, I have to leave by 130 pm for that appt. looking forward to spending an hour with you" kind of thing.

2. Tell her up front that you will NOT keep secrets from your family or her children, anything that she wants to entrust you with had better not involve putting you in an awkward situation with your family (you can phrase it better!) Remind her she has a team of professional support for that kind of thing.

3. Prepare a way to leave if it gets bad. "I'm sorry, I love you and always will, but I can't listen to this right now."
If you rehearse it, it's easier to say and do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op,
If she is going through a divorce I'm sure she is trying to get "her side" out, and is trying to get your support, as her sister.
It's typical in divorced for both sides to feel wronged and want to blame the other, almost like dividing up a PE class into teams, except it's friends and family.

I have a couple suggestions:
1. Give yourself an out so you don't get stuck at lunch forever "Susan, I have to leave by 130 pm for that appt. looking forward to spending an hour with you" kind of thing.

2. Tell her up front that you will NOT keep secrets from your family or her children, anything that she wants to entrust you with had better not involve putting you in an awkward situation with your family (you can phrase it better!) Remind her she has a team of professional support for that kind of thing.

3. Prepare a way to leave if it gets bad. "I'm sorry, I love you and always will, but I can't listen to this right now."
If you rehearse it, it's easier to say and do.

This is compassionate and thoughtful. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

^ yes. I'll add ~ neutral location. drive yourself, do not give her a ride. Not at your home (too hard to get her our of there when you've had enough) ALWAYS have an escape plan.

[Anonymous]

Could you meet her at her therapists, and let her tell you during a session?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too bad, OP, you need to be there. It sounds like your sister is messed up to some degree, and what she may want to share with you may be a long-held secret that explains why, at least in part, she is that way. You say you have kids of your own: is this how you would want one to treat the other, forty years down the line? I doubt it.

I am here. I am just not willing to sacrifice myself or my family on the altar of her drama.

I understand it's easy to judge, and I have only provided the bare snippets of information, but my sister is far from blameless in the family drama and has been the direct source of much pain in the past 6 months.

I am at peace with what I am able to do for her, for my nuclear family to whom my primary allegiance lies, and to my parents and other siblings.

NP here. I don't see how having lunch with her and letting her confide in you comes anywhere close to sacrifice.

[Anonymous]

I think you should suggest meeting her at her therapists office. That was a great idea, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should suggest meeting her at her therapists office. That was a great idea, PP.

Be sure you know something about her therapist before going. I had a family member do this to me recently and the therapist handled it very badly. It was pretty traumatic, I must say. I'm sure my experience was the exception, but just proceed with a bit of caution.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't mean to be too critical, but your own message is a bit dramatic. Sacrifice your nuclear family at the alter of her drama? It sounds like you already have a suspicion about what she may want to tell you. Do you think it's a lie? I guess I need more context.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thx for the continued suggestions, but I have handled it (at least for the time being.)