Vent and need some advice

[Anonymous]

Hi -- this will probably not be a constructive post -- I just need to vent and externalize so I don't give myself an ulcer! 17 yo dd is a senior in HS -- gifted in some areas but with slow processing and working memory deficits.

She was assigned two essays to write over the weekend that had to be turned in today. She kept assuring me over the weekend that she was on top of her work, etc, etc but then ended up staying up until 4 n the morning to write the essays and one of them didn't even address the question being asked. I'm so frustrated -- she's so on top of stuff she's interested in but stuff that's less interested/harder (writing) gets short shrift and I feel like she was less than honest with me about her progress on her work.

She's worked with tutors but she's so bright she completely snows them in to thinking she's on top of stuff. With me, she's argumentative and less than honest. I'm so tempted to just step back and let her fail but she does need support and the consequences of failure are huge at this point in her life.

It kills me because she is so smart but can't seem to get out of her own way and closing off opportunities. I've said this to her but she's very sensitive and hearing that is just devastating to her.

She has a therapist, psychiatrist and ADHD coach she works with.

I don't know if there's even a question in there!

[Anonymous]

My DS is like that too. I eventually realized he didn't even know what "on top of" meant! So he was just saying yes to avoid confrontation. It was overwhelming to him (and honestly, my frustrated reactions were not very helpful).

[Anonymous]

I think your question is whether you should let her fail now, at least once in a while. And whether that will make a difference.

I don't know. Is she college bound? If so what is your plan for next year? While the consequences of failing an assignment or a class senior year are bad, the consequences of failing at college may be worse.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

If you know she lies to you about whether she's on top of her work, why do you continue to ask and then just take her word? If you want to leave it to her to manage, then stop asking her about it. If you want to be more actively involved to make sure she's doing what she's supposed to, you need to do more than just ask her. If she says she's on top of her essays, ask her to show you her work so far, to talk about her thoughts on the topic, something to hold her accountable along the way so she can't just blow it off until the last moment.

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain, OP.

I have inatttentive ADHD and was like this too in high school - and closed the best doors for myself, despite having a gifted IQ. One thing I remember is that I was so extremely mentally short-sighted and immature, it was scary (in hindsight). I just couldn't understand the consequences of my actions, in terms of career and prospects. My parents had been raised in completely different environments, and had no clue what to say or do, and of course the diagnosis did exist back then.

Research shows that normal teen brains can't understand consequences well or see very far ahead - and it's much much worse for ADHD brains. Therefore I believe what may help is continued parental support and intervention with repeated explanations on why this is important. Give concrete examples, of people she knows. Insist on staying involved and tell her why. Be direct and do not fear her sensitivity.

I know it's considered horrific to be a helicopter parent, but failure at this point will not teach her a lesson. My failure in high school didn't teach me a thing! Perhaps the failure lesson works on brains without ADHD. I only started thinking more clearly and stay organized in my late twenties, and then understood what I had been doing wrong in high school. Such is the delay of maturation of the ADHD brain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi -- this will probably not be a constructive post -- I just need to vent and externalize so I don't give myself an ulcer! 17 yo dd is a senior in HS -- gifted in some areas but with slow processing and working memory deficits.

She was assigned two essays to write over the weekend that had to be turned in today. She kept assuring me over the weekend that she was on top of her work, etc, etc but then ended up staying up until 4 n the morning to write the essays and one of them didn't even address the question being asked. I'm so frustrated -- she's so on top of stuff she's interested in but stuff that's less interested/harder (writing) gets short shrift and I feel like she was less than honest with me about her progress on her work.

She's worked with tutors but she's so bright she completely snows them in to thinking she's on top of stuff. With me, she's argumentative and less than honest. I'm so tempted to just step back and let her fail but she does need support and the consequences of failure are huge at this point in her life.

It kills me because she is so smart but can't seem to get out of her own way and closing off opportunities. I've said this to her but she's very sensitive and hearing that is just devastating to her.

She has a therapist, psychiatrist and ADHD coach she works with.

I don't know if there's even a question in there!

OP - you are fortunate to have a coach (we didn't). Shouldn't this be the coach's job? To make sure she is current?. Also, I loved the "are you on top of it" remark. My Aspie is so literal that if we told DC to "hop into the car" DC would hop into the car.

Writing has always been difficult for my Aspie. And it got much worse when DC got to college and all the supports were removed. It's taken DC about two years to adjust and learn that jr has to keep a calendar, get out of bed, plan ahead; set aside time each day for papers, etc. He actually didn't know what a "paper" was, either, until I explained it to him. Best of luck, but try to get the coach engaged!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I feel your pain, OP.

I have inatttentive ADHD and was like this too in high school - and closed the best doors for myself, despite having a gifted IQ. One thing I remember is that I was so extremely mentally short-sighted and immature, it was scary (in hindsight). I just couldn't understand the consequences of my actions, in terms of career and prospects. My parents had been raised in completely different environments, and had no clue what to say or do, and of course the diagnosis did exist back then.

Research shows that normal teen brains can't understand consequences well or see very far ahead - and it's much much worse for ADHD brains. Therefore I believe what may help is continued parental support and intervention with repeated explanations on why this is important. Give concrete examples, of people she knows. Insist on staying involved and tell her why. Be direct and do not fear her sensitivity.

I know it's considered horrific to be a helicopter parent, but failure at this point will not teach her a lesson. My failure in high school didn't teach me a thing! Perhaps the failure lesson works on brains without ADHD. I only started thinking more clearly and stay organized in my late twenties, and then understood what I had been doing wrong in high school. Such is the delay of maturation of the ADHD brain.

Thank you. This is so helpful to me to get your perspective. Part of it is that she is so bright and capable in some areas, I just assume the same in every year -- that ADHD inconsistency. The other part, as you suggest, is fear of being a helicopter/tiger mom, especially when she's so sensitive and even my very mild attempts to intervene can result in an explosive reaction. I just have to remind myself that this is the nature of ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi -- this will probably not be a constructive post -- I just need to vent and externalize so I don't give myself an ulcer! 17 yo dd is a senior in HS -- gifted in some areas but with slow processing and working memory deficits.

She was assigned two essays to write over the weekend that had to be turned in today. She kept assuring me over the weekend that she was on top of her work, etc, etc but then ended up staying up until 4 n the morning to write the essays and one of them didn't even address the question being asked. I'm so frustrated -- she's so on top of stuff she's interested in but stuff that's less interested/harder (writing) gets short shrift and I feel like she was less than honest with me about her progress on her work.

She's worked with tutors but she's so bright she completely snows them in to thinking she's on top of stuff. With me, she's argumentative and less than honest. I'm so tempted to just step back and let her fail but she does need support and the consequences of failure are huge at this point in her life.

It kills me because she is so smart but can't seem to get out of her own way and closing off opportunities. I've said this to her but she's very sensitive and hearing that is just devastating to her.

She has a therapist, psychiatrist and ADHD coach she works with.

I don't know if there's even a question in there!

OP - you are fortunate to have a coach (we didn't). Shouldn't this be the coach's job? To make sure she is current?. Also, I loved the "are you on top of it" remark. My Aspie is so literal that if we told DC to "hop into the car" DC would hop into the car.

Writing has always been difficult for my Aspie. And it got much worse when DC got to college and all the supports were removed. It's taken DC about two years to adjust and learn that jr has to keep a calendar, get out of bed, plan ahead; set aside time each day for papers, etc. He actually didn't know what a "paper" was, either, until I explained it to him. Best of luck, but try to get the coach engaged!

Looking at it, from this recent experience, I think part of the problem is that she meets with the coach only once a week and some stuff just falls between the cracks. I continue to be in denial about dd's needs and really need to step up to the plate myself.

[dancingsunflowers06]

I'm sorry that you are struggling with your dd on these issues. I can't relate to your situation, but wanted to offer encouragement to let you know that you are doing a great job just by trying different techniques/therapists etc to get her on track. Hope you find a solution that works for the family. She's blessed to have a mom who cares so much!

[Anonymous]

Let her fail. It's better to now than let her do so later in college or after. She can still get her act together before college.

[Anonymous]

dancingsunflowers06 wrote:I'm sorry that you are struggling with your dd on these issues. I can't relate to your situation, but wanted to offer encouragement to let you know that you are doing a great job just by trying different techniques/therapists etc to get her on track. Hope you find a solution that works for the family. She's blessed to have a mom who cares so much!

Thank you -- that's very kind of you and very much appreciated!

[Anonymous]

My child is a little younger than yours but I'll share what has worked for our family. Set up a weekly 1 hour planning session for family (we do ours on Sunday). This time is for clearing backpack of junk, organizing who is going where what days and going over major projects/assignments for school. My child is several years younger but we use that as a way to model how I plan out my week.

I actually use my calendar and reserve times to do things important, and show him and you might work with your coach to help set up a system to plan time that works better for your daughter. It will be a skill that will be super important as she progresses to college. The more she is part of the system, and helps design it, the better.

In terms of jumping in to prevent failure, I think its important to not take on too much that is on her shoulders. She will remember and know you will be there to fix it. Let her deal with a bad grade and use it to learn from. So after she gets back that D...use it to talk about how she could have done things differently, how she could have planned better, etc. Not saying you let her drop out of school or fail out but a bad grade on one paper is probably worth the lesson.

For your coach, do you have refreshed goals and focus for your work together this year with your daughter. Better to have 3 big goals then to spend this expensive time together just putting out fires or trying to keep her on task. So maybe the major focus areas are : Planning time/schedule, keeping organized, and strategies to help organize/plan writing assignments. There are a lot of good online tools out there. Just some thoughts from another mom to child with ADHD inattentive and low working memory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I feel your pain, OP.

I have inatttentive ADHD and was like this too in high school - and closed the best doors for myself, despite having a gifted IQ. One thing I remember is that I was so extremely mentally short-sighted and immature, it was scary (in hindsight). I just couldn't understand the consequences of my actions, in terms of career and prospects. My parents had been raised in completely different environments, and had no clue what to say or do, and of course the diagnosis did exist back then.

Research shows that normal teen brains can't understand consequences well or see very far ahead - and it's much much worse for ADHD brains. Therefore I believe what may help is continued parental support and intervention with repeated explanations on why this is important. Give concrete examples, of people she knows. Insist on staying involved and tell her why. Be direct and do not fear her sensitivity.

I know it's considered horrific to be a helicopter parent, but failure at this point will not teach her a lesson. My failure in high school didn't teach me a thing! Perhaps the failure lesson works on brains without ADHD. I only started thinking more clearly and stay organized in my late twenties, and then understood what I had been doing wrong in high school. Such is the delay of maturation of the ADHD brain.

What was it you had been doing wrong? In other words, was it simply maturing that helped you function or was is something else, like changing your behavior or strategy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child is a little younger than yours but I'll share what has worked for our family. Set up a weekly 1 hour planning session for family (we do ours on Sunday). This time is for clearing backpack of junk, organizing who is going where what days and going over major projects/assignments for school. My child is several years younger but we use that as a way to model how I plan out my week.

I actually use my calendar and reserve times to do things important, and show him and you might work with your coach to help set up a system to plan time that works better for your daughter. It will be a skill that will be super important as she progresses to college. The more she is part of the system, and helps design it, the better.

In terms of jumping in to prevent failure, I think its important to not take on too much that is on her shoulders. She will remember and know you will be there to fix it. Let her deal with a bad grade and use it to learn from. So after she gets back that D...use it to talk about how she could have done things differently, how she could have planned better, etc. Not saying you let her drop out of school or fail out but a bad grade on one paper is probably worth the lesson.

For your coach, do you have refreshed goals and focus for your work together this year with your daughter. Better to have 3 big goals then to spend this expensive time together just putting out fires or trying to keep her on task. So maybe the major focus areas are : Planning time/schedule, keeping organized, and strategies to help organize/plan writing assignments. There are a lot of good online tools out there. Just some thoughts from another mom to child with ADHD inattentive and low working memory.

Thank you -- this is very helpful. I was just thinking that I need to put all of my dcs' assignments on MY calendar. I also need to check in with the coach again. Would you mind recommending some of the online tools you have found helpful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let her fail. It's better to now than let her do so later in college or after. She can still get her act together before college.

Obviously, it depends on the child, but for some children, like my Aspie daughter, she simply cannot write. There are so many swirling thoughts in her head that she cannot get them all in a line and write a college-level paper from opening argument, supporting documentation, thesis, etc. To let her fail at the high school level would have just continued to crush her altready damaged sense of self-confidence. We went with tutors and and sn IEP throughout high school. That allowed her to learn, turn in work on time, and still graduate with A-s, Bs from high school. Allowing her to "fail" along the way would have just resulted in more self-hatred. Some people just cannot do certain things. We've learned more about her in college - namely that organizing and writing papers is the most difficult thing for her to do. It's not laziness, lack of planning, or low I.Q. In fact, it's the opposite. In college, we are using a coach who meets with her 3 x a week to try to keep her work in order and keep her focused on what she should be doing and when. These aren't "normal" kids who can "learn" from a failure to do better next time. DD just doesn't have the tools to organize herself to even start on a paper, much less do the follow through.