Self-Centered Mother
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Anonymous
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I have come to realize that my mother is a profoundly self-involved person.
Every conversation is 100% about her. She will rudely interrupt and redirect the conversation back to herself if I dare to interject with my own perspective or story. She very rarely asks me any questions about my life. (In fact, when DH stayed with my family for our first joint Christmas he said: "We've been here for 2 days. Why hasn't your mom ask you any questions about how you're doing?") She thinks the minutia of her daily habits are fascinating to any and all conversation partners. She will drone on and on about herself forever if given the opportunity, never stopping to take a breath, never bothering to engage her conversation partner mutually. Does anyone else have mothers like this? How do you handle it? |
Anonymous
| Yes. Your mother's a narcissist. Being that you're coming to terms with it only now you probably have a lot of digging into your past to do, and healing. (Are you a people pleaser, for example). It's tough but I manage by keeping my mother at arm's length and never taking anything she says personally - she can be very catty, competitive, jealous, and generally demeaning. I see her a total of less than a week per year, talk on the phone maybe once a season. Any more than that and I would lose my shit. |
Anonymous
| Oh yes. Classic narcissistic mother. Mine lulls me into a false sense of security and sucks me back in Every time. Unfortunately my mom is also very well known in this area and I can't go to the grocery store without running into someone asking about my mom and what's she doing now and her accomplishments etc. |
Anonymous
| I remember an eerily similar post here about three months ago. |
Anonymous
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Yes, I think she might be. It's strange for me to think of her that way because she actually has a very low self-esteem. I also don't see her as malicious, just really, really oblivious and completely consumed by her own perspectives, wants, and needs to the exclusion of all else.
I have spent a long time trying to force her to give me the things emotionally that she is incapable of giving me. I think I'll have to go your route and keep her at arms length. I live far away now, so it won't be a challenge. What prompted this post is that she just visited my DH and in our new location (after a big fight, as she originally was just waaay too busy to visit). My DH knows I get disappointed by her so he helped me keep my expectations in check. For the first time I sort of watched her as an outside observer for the first time. I am really seeing her clearly for the first time, and it's kind of surreal to be honest. Anyway, good luck to you, and thanks for sharing! |
Anonymous
Well, this is definitely the first time I'm posting about this topic. But I'm sorry if it's a common story because it really sucks. |
Anonymous
Narcissism stems from trying to cover up low self esteem, so the two are very much related. When I realized my dad is a narcissist, a lot of puzzle pieces fell into place. I really ratcheted down how much I interact with him, and lowered my expectations of what I'll get from him, and things have been much better ever since. Now I'm realizing my sister is probably also a narcissist (or perhaps even has Borderline Personality Disorder) and I'm learning about this all over again. Since I have a different relationship with her I have to figure out a different set of boundaries. |
Anonymous
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OP,
Everyone's in their own pain. Maybe she doesn't want your perspective, maybe she wants you to listen. Have you asked her, "Don't you want to hear about me, mom?" She sounds like she's anxious or depressed. |
Anonymous
This. This is also classic behavior of someone who is incredibly lonely. |
Anonymous
Yes. My mother is also a narcissist. In fact, I just spent days with her and it's exhausting. More sad than anything. Only after years of therapy am I able (usually after a few glasses of wine  ) to deal with her. As my therapist put it - treat her like anyone else you would engage with that has a mental illness. Show empathy, try to be patient., and most important, don't expect anything from her. I spent years trying to come to terms with that advice and grieving for the loss of a mother I wished I had. Alas, I love her, but don't expect much from her. Only with that in mind can I maintain my sanity and not feel overwhelming sadness and anger towards her.
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Anonymous
| The level of narcissism on this forum pales in comparison to any older women I know. Besides, we all turn into our mothers someday. Our kids are going to judge us, too. |
Anonymous
And call us narcissists if there's any karma. |
Anonymous
Yes, she IS anxious and depressed. And I do my best to be supportive. But yes, I have tried gently asking her if she'd like to hear about X going on in my life. She will be surprised for a second as she processes the implication (that if I hadn't asked we'd never get to my "turn" in the conversation). And then she tries for a minute or two to be interested, but she typically CANNOT STOP HERSELF from redirecting the conversation back to herself (if my experience reminds me of her own, she will hijack the conversation over to that). Don't get me started on how she handled my wedding. She had palpable panic attacks over not being the center of attention. She refused to dress shop with me (despite sending me non-stop pictures of potential mother-of-the-bride dresses). On the morning of the wedding she stole the woman who was to do my hair right out from under me and my bridesmaid had to do my hair. I could go on... For a long time I was angry about all of this and very hurt (some of my earliest childhood memories are trying to get her to pay attention to a picture I drew or something else I was interested in). But only very recently have I begun to see it as straight up COMPULSIVE on her end. Her own mother was severely alcoholic, and my mom turned into the family caretaker. I can imagine that giving up the reigns in any capacity is something she avoids at all costs (since she must have learned very young that her world was the only non-crazy world that she could trust). And obviously I'm really sorry that my mom had to go through that. Unfortunately what that means for her is that she doesn't know how to maintain friendships and relationships. She has many "friends" but they are all nothing more than competitive frenemy relationships. She doesn't have anyone she can call on the phone and really talk to. In fact, she lost her only real friend years ago because she couldn't stop bragging about her financial success to her financially struggling friend. It didn't occur to her that maybe her friend didn't want to be an attentive constant audience to her home redecoration deliberations. I'm starting to get over the hurt and anger from being neglected and never being "mirrored." Now I just see her as someone with zero insight into herself who is completely beholden to her compulsions. I do find it annoying that she demands love, attention, and adoration despite completely refusing to learn about what it means to give-and-take, but I can handle that in tiny bursts - I can just keep in mind how hard her early life must have been. I guess my plan will be to keep my expectations for a mutual relationship at absolutely zero and to see her a few times a year, several of you have suggested, I think wisely. Thanks again. |
Anonymous
??? |
Anonymous
I am certain that my mother has anxiety/depression, possibly NPD. Her behavior certainly fits the bill and has been escalating horribly. This weekend was the first time when she did something hurtful to one of my (elementary-aged) children. I've slowly been limiting contact but I realize now that things are at a different level. It's one thing to criticize me incessantly. It's another to hurt my kid. For those of you who have sought therapy/outside help: -How does your therapist help with boundary setting? -Has anyone had success encouraging the parent to get help? If so, how did you approach? -I'm in my 40s and don't have siblings. How in the hell am I going to develop boundaries and simultaneously manage the parental caregiving process (as she ages)? -Is there a correlation with dementia/alzheimer's and this behavior? I vividly remember my maternal grandparents becoming "mean" as they aged. I assumed that it was because of their aging/ailments. But, perhaps there were underlying issues that I didn't see as the grandchild..... |