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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP,

Everyone's in their own pain.  Maybe she doesn't want your perspective, maybe she wants you to listen.

Have you asked her, "Don't you want to hear about me, mom?"

She sounds like she's anxious or depressed.[/quote]

Yes, she IS anxious and depressed. And I do my best to be supportive.

But yes, I have tried gently asking her if she'd like to hear about X going on in my life. She will be surprised for a second as she processes the implication (that if I hadn't asked we'd never get to my "turn" in the conversation). And then she tries for a minute or two to be interested, but she typically CANNOT STOP HERSELF from redirecting the conversation back to herself (if my experience reminds me of her own, she will hijack the conversation over to that).

Don't get me started on how she handled my wedding. She had palpable panic attacks over not being the center of attention. She refused to dress shop with me (despite sending me non-stop pictures of potential mother-of-the-bride dresses). On the morning of the wedding she stole the woman who was to do my hair right out from under me and my bridesmaid had to do my hair. I could go on...

For a long time I was angry about all of this and very hurt (some of my earliest childhood memories are trying to get her to pay attention to a picture I drew or something else I was interested in). But only very recently have I begun to see it as straight up COMPULSIVE on her end.

Her own mother was severely alcoholic, and my mom turned into the family caretaker. I can imagine that giving up the reigns in any capacity is something she avoids at all costs (since she must have learned very young that her world was the only non-crazy world that she could trust). And obviously I'm really sorry that my mom had to go through that.

Unfortunately what that means for her is that she doesn't know how to maintain friendships and relationships. She has many "friends" but they are all nothing more than competitive frenemy relationships. She doesn't have anyone she can call on the phone and really talk to.

In fact, she lost her only real friend years ago because she couldn't stop bragging about her financial success to her financially struggling friend. It didn't occur to her that maybe her friend didn't want to be an attentive constant audience to her home redecoration deliberations.

I'm starting to get over the hurt and anger from being neglected and never being "mirrored." Now I just see her as someone with zero insight into herself who is completely beholden to her compulsions. I do find it annoying that she demands love, attention, and adoration despite completely refusing to learn about what it means to give-and-take, but I can handle that in tiny bursts - I can just keep in mind how hard her early life must have been.

I guess my plan will be to keep my expectations for a mutual relationship at absolutely zero and to see her a few times a year, several of you have suggested, I think wisely. Thanks again. [/quote]

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