Any super high-achieving parents devastated by their SN child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, thank you for your honesty, as your post probably was a difficult one to write and even harder to admit anywhere outside of an anonymous forum. When I was in pre-term labor with my son, I "made a bargain with God" that if my son could just live, then I wouldn't complain or ask for or expect anything else. DS has had a bumpy road and will never be the intellectual, athletic, socially savvy overachiever most parents secretly want, if for no other reason than to not feel the nagging pangs of guilt that "only if" I had done things differently, my child would have turned out better. I still feel this guilt sometimes - from wondering what I could have done to prevent his pre-term birth, to having better care for him in the early days, to doing more early intervention, to encouraging more socialization (no matter how painful and even embarrassing peer interactions can be at times). BUT, there is light at the end of the tunnel! DS is now 11. I love and accept him for the handsome, funny, quirky kid he is. He has come a LONG way from his early days. He still has his challenges, but he has done much better than we were told to expect. Maybe we are the ones that have come a long way from the early days. It is all a matter of perspective. Every child is precious and has value. We love our son and he adores us. It makes me smile just to think of him :0). Your DD is lucky to have a parent like you that is so smart and can navigate through what's best to help her. And also that you care enough to admit your feelings (not "blame" DD somehow) and try to accept them. I am a firm believer that you are given only that which you can bear. Maybe, in all of your challenges and achievements, DD will be your greatest.

This is by far THE sweetest post I've ever read in all of my years at DCUM.

This entire post from begining to end gave me not just the warm & fuzzy feelings, but as a mom to a SN child, it was more so a personal feeling of strength, support, hope & positivity. Loved reading the whole thing, but that last line... oooph... that was it, bring on the tears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand op. I'm so sorry. It's hard because when two high achievers marry and have kids there is an assumption those kids will follow the parents. It's painful to let go of and it's painful to be reminded of it. We all want as a basic uniting idea to know that our kids will be alright without us at the very least. And it's so scary not to know if that is possible.

All of the kids of my colleagues are choosing between amazing colleges also. My husband and I are both ivy educated lawyers. I dont know if my son will ever be mainstreamed, and he has behavioral issues which are the hardest to deal with and are ostracizing. I feel lonely because I can't contribute to conversations my friends have about their typical kids. Even though I have a nt child I feel somehow out of the club. I went to a shower the other day and there was a game re advice to new moms and I almost cried because I just felt like what did I know I did it all wrong. I'm only sharing this to let you know I understand and I deeply empathize. It's painful and it's scary and uncertain. There is also a reward that parents get - I know mine did - of seeing their hard work or their interpretation of their hard work! Culminating in a happy accomplished child. I'm sure you're doing an amazing job.

My heart just broke for you PP, as its so painfully clear that you're too still in the grieving & acceptance stage as well.
Some people can stay in grief & accepting for years without realizing it, loving every day like they just received the diagnosis & they struggle to move forward. I've been there and I know what a lonely, scary, guilt ridden place it is to be.
I wish i could give you a giant hug right now... have you spoken to anyone about your feelings? ((( hugs to you )))

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand op. I'm so sorry. It's hard because when two high achievers marry and have kids there is an assumption those kids will follow the parents. It's painful to let go of and it's painful to be reminded of it. We all want as a basic uniting idea to know that our kids will be alright without us at the very least. And it's so scary not to know if that is possible.

All of the kids of my colleagues are choosing between amazing colleges also. My husband and I are both ivy educated lawyers. I dont know if my son will ever be mainstreamed, and he has behavioral issues which are the hardest to deal with and are ostracizing. I feel lonely because I can't contribute to conversations my friends have about their typical kids. Even though I have a nt child I feel somehow out of the club. I went to a shower the other day and there was a game re advice to new moms and I almost cried because I just felt like what did I know I did it all wrong. I'm only sharing this to let you know I understand and I deeply empathize. It's painful and it's scary and uncertain. There is also a reward that parents get - I know mine did - of seeing their hard work or their interpretation of their hard work! Culminating in a happy accomplished child. I'm sure you're doing an amazing job.

My heart just broke for you PP, as its so painfully clear that you're too still in the grieving & acceptance stage as well.
Some people can stay in grief & accepting for years without realizing it, loving every day like they just received the diagnosis & they struggle to move forward. I've been there and I know what a lonely, scary, guilt ridden place it is to be.
I wish i could give you a giant hug right now... have you spoken to anyone about your feelings? ((( hugs to you )))

*living.
Also I forgot to mention to you PP & listen closely, ok??

YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG, LET ALONE "ALL" OF OUT WRONG!

SN kids don't come with a manual or handbook, we do the best with what we've got & just reading your post it sounds as if your SN child is very lucky to have you as a momma.
(((( hugs))))

[Anonymous]

Thank you PP, I wrote that post! DCUM has been my lifeline for the good and the bad, and the sometimes even dark times I've gone through in this role I never expected. I'm so glad we have this forum in which to share and to support each other. There are so many dimensions to the feelings we have as parents of a child that does not fit the mold. OP touched on a dimension that few of us have the courage to admit. It took me years to get over the feeling of loss at having a SN child. I realize now my perspective was all wrong. My child is a good person - he is loving, kind, funny and smart in his own way. I am truly blessed. Getting to that point has made me a much better parent for my son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm not as much of an uber-acheiver as you, and it doesn't sound like my pretty-dyslexic-but-otherwise-typical 4th grader has as many challenges as your child, but I wanted to tell you that I can relate. Once he was diagnosed and I realized that his struggles will likely be lifelong, I went through a rocky emotional period. Friends were talking about their 2nd graders reading Harry Potter, and mine could barely do See Spot Run. Therapy really, really helped me, specifically a therapist who practices from an ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) model. Through my work with her, I was able to figure out that because of my personality, talents, and family-of-origin stuff, I was biased to associate certain things with giving a person value (verbal ability, quick-wittedness, academic achievement, etc). If I held onto those traits as my gold-standard, I was going to spend a long time making myself, my family, and my child miserable. And I would miss out on all of the things that make him such a cool little human. It's been a process, but I am learning that if I don't buy into that framework, I can really appreciate all the things that make him and this unexpected version of my life really, really amazing in ways it wouldn't have been if he had been a "typical" kid. Also, I don't do this in every situation, but with my good friends, I've been able to share how I feel, that's it's really hard for me to hear them touting their kids' "accomplishments" when things are such a struggle for my son. Not to shame them or shut them up, but just so they know what is going on with us. Finally (and I think this comes with therapy, and with just getting older), I am giving less and less of a shit what other people think. Once I was able to shed my own judgements of my kiddo, the judgements of others carry less and less weight. None of this is easy. It's all hard, and my heart goes out to you!

If you are in the DC area, would you share the name of your therapist?

[Anonymous]

Yes please share the name of good therapists (preferably in Bethesda/Kensington/Rockville/SS/NWDC. I've never been to one for myself and my child has been disabled for 4 years now (she was born fine and then got sick at 2 and then started showing clinical manifestations at 3.5). I am having such a rough time dealing with everything (and working full time) and I've kept it bottled up for so long, assuming with all our hard hard work, things would get better. And in many ways, she's making progress. It's just the other kids are soaring ahead so much faster always.

[Anonymous]

My adult brother was diagnosed with retardation (what they called it back then) at a young age. They told my mom he would never do anything on his own. My type A, over achieving mom worked her ass off...found the right doctors, therapies, etc. my brother now lives on his own, holds a job and has a few good friends. He still needs help but has come further than we ever thought possible. It never would have been possible without my mom. As others have said, use your skills to help him. There is a definite reason you were given this child. As a side note, my mom also went on to work with other SN kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should seek therapy for your resentments.

You should seek it for life for the deficiencies of character leading you to post using this tone. I'm completely serious. NP by the way.

Huh? There are resentments there (see e.g., Ivy jealousy, etc.)--and it's ok to admit them. Therapy can help see beyond that to what matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes please share the name of good therapists (preferably in Bethesda/Kensington/Rockville/SS/NWDC. I've never been to one for myself and my child has been disabled for 4 years now (she was born fine and then got sick at 2 and then started showing clinical manifestations at 3.5). I am having such a rough time dealing with everything (and working full time) and I've kept it bottled up for so long, assuming with all our hard hard work, things would get better. And in many ways, she's making progress. It's just the other kids are soaring ahead so much faster always.

Call Allison Sibley - she's in upper NW DC (near the Friendship Hts metro). http://thesibleygroupdc.com/

[Anonymous]

Thank you for being your honesty, OP! I think that all parents of SN kids feel that way, some more some maybe less, not just high achiever parents. I have 2 kids who, while not severe SN, have ADHD and Severe Anxiety. I am not a high achiever at the career game because I had to take care of my DS, selective mutism, severe anxiety, but I was at one point devastated by one A- in college. My own mother and sister, both high IQ and one a surgeon the other one has her own business, sister has no kids, do not understand how severe my DS's anxiety is, and why I am so "lazy" and took part time jobs nad mostly stayed home. I did it because next year my DS who couldn't speak is going away to college! And I am still worried sick as his anxiety impacts his learning and social skills to the extreme(we are talking anxiety that is not autism because he would occasionally look hold eye contact, on the spectrum.) Yet, now I wouldn't never change it, never work if that meant my DS wouldn't have all the help I could give him. I tested 143 on IW scale, in English which is my third language, and couldn't care less about my career, my kids are my career, but it makes me cry even writing this! Hugs to all parents here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for being your honesty, OP! I think that all parents of SN kids feel that way, some more some maybe less, not just high achiever parents. I have 2 kids who, while not severe SN, have ADHD and Severe Anxiety. I am not a high achiever at the career game because I had to take care of my DS, selective mutism, severe anxiety, but I was at one point devastated by one A- in college. My own mother and sister, both high IQ and one a surgeon the other one has her own business, sister has no kids, do not understand how severe my DS's anxiety is, and why I am so "lazy" and took part time jobs nad mostly stayed home. I did it because next year my DS who couldn't speak is going away to college! And I am still worried sick as his anxiety impacts his learning and social skills to the extreme(we are talking anxiety that is not autism because he would occasionally look hold eye contact, on the spectrum.) Yet, now I wouldn't never change it, never work if that meant my DS wouldn't have all the help I could give him. I tested 143 on IW scale, in English which is my third language, and couldn't care less about my career, my kids are my career, but it makes me cry even writing this! Hugs to all parents here!

^^That you for being honest. Jeez, I need coffee this morning!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you PP, I wrote that post! DCUM has been my lifeline for the good and the bad, and the sometimes even dark times I've gone through in this role I never expected. I'm so glad we have this forum in which to share and to support each other. There are so many dimensions to the feelings we have as parents of a child that does not fit the mold. OP touched on a dimension that few of us have the courage to admit. It took me years to get over the feeling of loss at having a SN child. I realize now my perspective was all wrong. My child is a good person - he is loving, kind, funny and smart in his own way. I am truly blessed. Getting to that point has made me a much better parent for my son.

You're SO very welcome!
As I said in my post, just from reading your words it's so clear what a wonderful mother you are & how lucky your son is to have you.
It's not easy, we put one foot in front of the other, do what we need to do, love in the way that they need to be loved & research Google every free minute we have to see if there's something we may be missing (argh Google... both a blessing AND a curse!). Not all information is GOOD information.

My son has ADHD & while I absolutely realize that it's nowhere near as severe as the OP's child or most in here, it does have it's own set of challenges.
You would think with inattentive ADHD that my son wouldn't have the attention span, impulse control or thought process to show such inclusion, patients & empathy, but that's exactly what he's done with one person alone... his cousin.
My nephew has Aspergers & those two are like two peas in a pod. My son will talk for hours with him about the ins & outs & every piece of knowledge & fact that there is about the only 3 things that my nephew has ANY interest in (dinosaurs, Minecraft & legos). My son never tries to impulsively interrupt him or change the subject & if my nephew is having a particularly "honest & fact based" conversation which can come across as extremely harsh & hurtful (which of course my nephew doesn't realize at all & is never intentional), my son knows to take it in stride & not to ever take it personally. He understands most though that touch & sounds are very sensitive to his cousin, so he takes social cues from my nephew & never, ever tries to overstep those boundaries.

How my son is with my nephew is the ONLY time that he's so patient, quiet, reserved, disciplined & aware of exactly what he says & the things that he does... I'm amazed by the lengths he will go to just to have that time for the 2 of them alone to love his cousin & spend time with him (and wish there was even a tenth of that shown at school, lol).

In turn, my nephew has told my son that he trusts him & wants his help in making more friends, which is HUGE for him (he doesn't trust anyone besides his parents).
My son has taken that trusting relationship & told my nephew how he could possibly have said things nicer on a particular "truthful" day, or if he noticed that he may have been short with someone moments before, maybe to apologize or give them a compliment where he would never think one was needed or necessary. One thing they have been working on is telling him to remember to make eye contact when speaking & so what he's done is placed a star sticker on his hand (as he always looks at his hands when speaking) the star reminds him to occasionally look up & regardless if it's just a 2 second glance, he does look up!

They've both really flourished from this relationship, which has done wonders for them both... I never would have thought so & others warned us against it, but it has worked better than many others have suggested. Sometimes alternative methods that nobody has thought of before or that we couldn't find on Google work... I don't know why, but they do.

If you don't mind me asking, how old is your son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you PP, I wrote that post! DCUM has been my lifeline for the good and the bad, and the sometimes even dark times I've gone through in this role I never expected. I'm so glad we have this forum in which to share and to support each other. There are so many dimensions to the feelings we have as parents of a child that does not fit the mold. OP touched on a dimension that few of us have the courage to admit. It took me years to get over the feeling of loss at having a SN child. I realize now my perspective was all wrong. My child is a good person - he is loving, kind, funny and smart in his own way. I am truly blessed. Getting to that point has made me a much better parent for my son.

You're SO very welcome!
As I said in my post, just from reading your words it's so clear what a wonderful mother you are & how lucky your son is to have you.
It's not easy, we put one foot in front of the other, do what we need to do, love in the way that they need to be loved & research Google every free minute we have to see if there's something we may be missing (argh Google... both a blessing AND a curse!). Not all information is GOOD information.

My son has ADHD & while I absolutely realize that it's nowhere near as severe as the OP's child or most in here, it does have it's own set of challenges.
You would think with inattentive ADHD that my son wouldn't have the attention span, impulse control or thought process to show such inclusion, patients & empathy, but that's exactly what he's done with one person alone... his cousin.
My nephew has Aspergers & those two are like two peas in a pod. My son will talk for hours with him about the ins & outs & every piece of knowledge & fact that there is about the only 3 things that my nephew has ANY interest in (dinosaurs, Minecraft & legos). My son never tries to impulsively interrupt him or change the subject & if my nephew is having a particularly "honest & fact based" conversation which can come across as extremely harsh & hurtful (which of course my nephew doesn't realize at all & is never intentional), my son knows to take it in stride & not to ever take it personally. He understands most though that touch & sounds are very sensitive to his cousin, so he takes social cues from my nephew & never, ever tries to overstep those boundaries.

How my son is with my nephew is the ONLY time that he's so patient, quiet, reserved, disciplined & aware of exactly what he says & the things that he does... I'm amazed by the lengths he will go to just to have that time for the 2 of them alone to love his cousin & spend time with him (and wish there was even a tenth of that shown at school, lol).

In turn, my nephew has told my son that he trusts him & wants his help in making more friends, which is HUGE for him (he doesn't trust anyone besides his parents).
My son has taken that trusting relationship & told my nephew how he could possibly have said things nicer on a particular "truthful" day, or if he noticed that he may have been short with someone moments before, maybe to apologize or give them a compliment where he would never think one was needed or necessary. One thing they have been working on is telling him to remember to make eye contact when speaking & so what he's done is placed a star sticker on his hand (as he always looks at his hands when speaking) the star reminds him to occasionally look up & regardless if it's just a 2 second glance, he does look up!

They've both really flourished from this relationship, which has done wonders for them both... I never would have thought so & others warned us against it, but it has worked better than many others have suggested. Sometimes alternative methods that nobody has thought of before or that we couldn't find on Google work... I don't know why, but they do.

If you don't mind me asking, how old is your son?

*patience (damn you talk to text!)

[Anonymous]

The situation and feelings you described in your post are identical to what I’m going through. I realize your post is 8 years old, but if by some chance you are able to see this reply, I wonder how you are doing now and if you’ve found ways to cope with loving a child who doesn’t have the interests and potential you always imagined they would. I was raised in a family that valued academic success above all else. To a large extent, I think I acquired that same mentality that one’s value is determined by their accomplishments. I was always a straight A student, in the Gifted and Talented program since elementary school, top of my class, varsity athlete, went to an Ivy League school, and earned my doctorate and have a very respected profession. As luck would have it, my first child was born with a rare genetic disorder (de novo, not inherited from either me or my husband) and is non-verbal and developmentally delayed. He’ll be three in a few months and he has never called me mama, hardly acknowledges us, doesn’t have any knowledge of shapes, colors, numbers, doesn’t respond to his name, etc. It’s very likely he will be nonverbal, intellectually disabled, and require support the rest of
his life. I’m finding it extremely hard to relate to him and enjoy him for who he is. I love him dearly, but I find myself frustrated and disappointed by his inability to learn and develop. I know it isn’t his fault, but I’m extremely depressed and devastated at his situation and ours. It’s hard for me to accept that he will likely never accomplish any of the things I imagined for him when I first held him in my arms. My feelings cause me even greater depression, as I’m ashamed by my inability to love unconditionally and just be happy he is otherwise healthy and happy. His diagnosis is fairly new, so I’m hoping and praying the acceptance will come. If you have any advice or insight now that it’s been 8 years since your post, I will be grateful!

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]OP, here. I knew that someone like 7:33 would be offended/annoyed by my message, and I hesitated in posting it. I was just looking for anyone in a similar circumstance to share their insights. I never really implied I have it harder than anyone else, just trying to be honest about my feelings and sharing. Sorry if you thought I was implying anything else. My husband who comes from a completely different background and does not care about academics, etc, came to terms with things much easier than I have - but he has a very laid-back personality and is in a career where he works alone and doesn't have a lot of people talking about their kids, etc. I know I'm lucky in many ways and have a lot to be thankful for, it's just that every once in a while, I long for what I can't have. Thank you to all the others and even 7:33 to remind me to focus on what I do have.

[/quote]

Maybe you can be a mentor to younger women at work. By selecting your mentees, you might be able to satisfy some of your needs to foster traditional success in younger people. Women still have glass ceiling issues. Also, by helping at work, it won't take time from your home life.