How can DH and I reconnect after 24 years of marriage and a large family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Complete forgot about this thread, but things are much better. We’re currently on Vacation in Thailand (since the 31st, and here until the 12th), and we realized what we needed was simply time alone without kids, not a major fix. We’ve always been physically connected (still have sex at least every other day, if not everyday) but the logistics of parenting left little space to just be a couple.
Since December, we’ve been prioritizing alone time (including a few really nice dates), this trip has been fun and restorative and we have two no kid trips planned this spring.

We’re nearing our mid 40s, met senior year of HS and got married in college, love each other very much, and work well as a team. Divorce was never on the table. We still have energy, we just needed time.
Thanks for all the good ideas.

Good to hear.. young love is really something special.

[Anonymous]

Good job, OP! Hope you have an amazing trip! I’m jealous of the 11 kids by mid-40s! We have 4 and in early 40s, don’t think we can catch up! Hahaha! Have fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good job, OP! Hope you have an amazing trip! I’m jealous of the 11 kids by mid-40s! We have 4 and in early 40s, don’t think we can catch up! Hahaha! Have fun!

If you had sex every day you’d also have ended up with a dozen kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you and your husband both work? Can you take time off during the week to meet up for breakfast or lunch?

Now that all the kids are in school, I would try and find time once a week, maybe during the day when the two of you spend an hour just the two of you. You can't really reconnect without time together and not time when you are both exhausted.

Or are the kids responsible enough that you can leave most of them at home and go somewhere on a Saturday morning for breakfast?

There is no way a mom of 11 works outside of the home.

LOL not true at all.

I grew up in a town where Catholics were everywhere every family had 10,11,12,13,14 kids. Every mother in that town worked a shift somewhere whether it was teacher, nurse, waitress, retail etc. This was in the 1960's to late 1970's. Large families were a thing however not all DH's were good providers etc... some women wanted to work, some DH wouldn't give them money so they got their own etc....

While this town has changed in many ways, women hold it up always had always will.

They had kids young and had grandparents caring their for their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whenever a couple drifts apart, it's usually because the physicality has faded. The simple answer is to prioritize your looks and give each other something to look at again. Hit the gym together, get a new diet, get a new haircolor, new haircut, get those nails done, wear those heels, etc. Once you become pressure, the passion will come back.

As superficial as this might sound to some, this is a very important point.
Also start doing things that you like that makes you happy. That confidence gets noticed too.

- in same boat as Op - , 23 years married trying hard to connect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to connect just like you can't actually care for 11 children in any meaningful way. You are a farm with animals not human beings. You can't actually get divorced so yeah.

Ok, aside from my snarkiness. The only realistic chance you have is virtual therapy and requiring your oldest to watch the kids to escape. It doesn't actually change your reality which is you had too many kids and your expectations of your time.

This is harsh to read. But ehhhh true.

Also don’t believe for one minute that w 11 kids OP is in Tailand.

Nonetheless same dead bedroom awaits you both when you return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Complete forgot about this thread, but things are much better. We’re currently on Vacation in Thailand (since the 31st, and here until the 12th), and we realized what we needed was simply time alone without kids, not a major fix. We’ve always been physically connected (still have sex at least every other day, if not everyday) but the logistics of parenting left little space to just be a couple.
Since December, we’ve been prioritizing alone time (including a few really nice dates), this trip has been fun and restorative and we have two no kid trips planned this spring.

We’re nearing our mid 40s, met senior year of HS and got married in college, love each other very much, and work well as a team. Divorce was never on the table. We still have energy, we just needed time.
Thanks for all the good ideas.

I seriously hope you are using some form of birth control. Egg and sperm quality tends to decline precipitously in your 40s. If you’re “leaving it up to God” instead of taking responsibility, expect Him to send you a child that will grow old but never grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to connect just like you can't actually care for 11 children in any meaningful way. You are a farm with animals not human beings. You can't actually get divorced so yeah.

Ok, aside from my snarkiness. The only realistic chance you have is virtual therapy and requiring your oldest to watch the kids to escape. It doesn't actually change your reality which is you had too many kids and your expectations of your time.

This is harsh to read. But ehhhh true.

Also don’t believe for one minute that w 11 kids OP is in Tailand.

Nonetheless same dead bedroom awaits you both when you return.

I don’t believe it either. What mom with that many elementary aged kids can start to prioritize couple time in December, when every day is a class party or show. Plus the teens. I don’t even think a couple with 11 kids deserves date nights. The kids are already attention deprived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to connect just like you can't actually care for 11 children in any meaningful way. You are a farm with animals not human beings. You can't actually get divorced so yeah.

Ok, aside from my snarkiness. The only realistic chance you have is virtual therapy and requiring your oldest to watch the kids to escape. It doesn't actually change your reality which is you had too many kids and your expectations of your time.

This is harsh to read. But ehhhh true.

Also don’t believe for one minute that w 11 kids OP is in Tailand.

Nonetheless same dead bedroom awaits you both when you return.

I don’t believe it either. What mom with that many elementary aged kids can start to prioritize couple time in December, when every day is a class party or show. Plus the teens. I don’t even think a couple with 11 kids deserves date nights. The kids are already attention deprived.

It isn’t unbelievable. They probably have nanny, grandparents, & other help.

And with 11 kids, I don’t really think elementary school plays for the youngest are really a priority for them anymore.

[Anonymous]

Have another baby! What could possibly go wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP, as you can see, the dcum community is having a hard time getting past the fact that you have 11 children; it’s an anomaly here. You could leave that detail out and repost, because your question is relevant to all of us. Although you did get some meaningful advice.

Is your husband military? And are you religious? I think I recall you posting many years ago. I may have asked you on the last thread but never checked back. I remember a poster who had many kids and talked glowingly about her physical/se*ual connection with her husband. I was jealous at the time because with just TWO young ones, I was struggling in that area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to connect just like you can't actually care for 11 children in any meaningful way. You are a farm with animals not human beings. You can't actually get divorced so yeah.

Ok, aside from my snarkiness. The only realistic chance you have is virtual therapy and requiring your oldest to watch the kids to escape. It doesn't actually change your reality which is you had too many kids and your expectations of your time.

This is harsh to read. But ehhhh true.

Also don’t believe for one minute that w 11 kids OP is in Tailand.

Nonetheless same dead bedroom awaits you both when you return.

I don’t believe it either. What mom with that many elementary aged kids can start to prioritize couple time in December, when every day is a class party or show. Plus the teens. I don’t even think a couple with 11 kids deserves date nights. The kids are already attention deprived.

Exactly!
No one human is equipped to handle 11 kids but their parents.

Grandparents are also probably too old

If they had a nanny OP wouldn’t be here looking g for cheap ways to reconnect.

But ok..

[Anonymous]

Daily walks together...with no kids.

Find a time every day (maybe after the younger ones go to bed, but whenever works for you) and go for a short (10-15 minute) walk around the neighborhood.

You can use the walks to talk about marriage issues or kids issues or logistics, but you can also just spend time together and comment on the weather or world events, or why the neighbors thought that was a good color for their new front door.

It has made a huge huge huge difference in my marriage.

[Anonymous]

how about having sex while using birth control? get your tubes tied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to connect just like you can't actually care for 11 children in any meaningful way. You are a farm with animals not human beings. You can't actually get divorced so yeah.

Ok, aside from my snarkiness. The only realistic chance you have is virtual therapy and requiring your oldest to watch the kids to escape. It doesn't actually change your reality which is you had too many kids and your expectations of your time.

This is harsh to read. But ehhhh true.

Also don’t believe for one minute that w 11 kids OP is in Tailand.

Nonetheless same dead bedroom awaits you both when you return.

I don’t believe it either. What mom with that many elementary aged kids can start to prioritize couple time in December, when every day is a class party or show. Plus the teens. I don’t even think a couple with 11 kids deserves date nights. The kids are already attention deprived.

Exactly!
No one human is equipped to handle 11 kids but their parents.

Grandparents are also probably too old

If they had a nanny OP wouldn’t be here looking g for cheap ways to reconnect.

But ok..

Don’t they usually follow the Dugger method? Older kids get the honor of raising the younger ones while the adults keep breeding.