How can DH and I reconnect after 24 years of marriage and a large family.
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Anonymous
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(Repost as other post was deleted (probably due to derailment) but still really in need of ideas/advice).
DH and I have been married now for twenty-four years, and we have had eleven children together: 23g, 21b, 19b, 17g, 16b, 14b, 11g, 9g, 9g, 8b, 6g. For a few years now, we both have been emotionally disconnected from our marriage. We have a lot of support and can manage our big family well, but overtime, we have just drifted apart and no longer have the same relationship and bond. We’re both emotionally distant, and DH isn’t the best communicator and doesn’t like to talk about this. We’ve tried couples therapy, and it has helped us a little. We still love each other, DH is a fantastic father to our children, we’re a great team together for our children and want to remain married, but we’re not sure how to further rekindle our connection after many years of hard work as parents and spouses. I know drifting apart/losing connection or even falling out love is a very common experience after many years of marriage and our family size makes our situation very different, but I would like to know from people here on DCUM who’ve been through this, how you (regardless of family size) have navigated a situation like this with your spouse. What are some ideas that may help? What are our options as we want to rekindle our connection because we want the best for both us and our children, and divorce is certainly not something we want or is feasible. |
Anonymous
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You have right children at home, 7 next year. In the thick of parenting more than the vast majority of parents will ever experience for the forseeable future. Typical reconnection strategies are not going to help you unless you are also wealthy and have money to throw at the problem in the form of regular date nights, travel, or solo parenting time.
This is pretty normal. I am not sure why divorce is even on your mind. What did you think would happen with 11 kids? I don't think there is much room for anything but utility in that type of family choice, which is a valid choice! |
Anonymous
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I am not sure how you carve out time and resources for this without negatively impacting your children (money, time with them spent babysitting, time without talking about all the things you need to talk about each day regarding them, etc...). You chose this unusual lifestyle, so to be blunt, this is just kind of what it is.
The only feasible suggestion I have is to devote your last 10 minutes each evening in bed to either discussion about something you both enjoy or sex. Every night, one or the other. It's kind of like saying "I moved to Alaska 10 years ago and need help being warmer." I mean...it is what it is. |
Anonymous
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Curious why you listed the ages and sexes of your kids. What difference does it make? You could have just given a rough age range.
I have an acquaintance who has a large family and she always introduces herself as the mom of seven, even in contexts where nobody else is talking about their kids. It's very much her identity. I get it, but I also think that decoupling your identity from having a lot of kids or building up parts of it that are unrelated to that will help you connect with your spouse. It's probably very hard with the time constraints in your life. |
Anonymous
| With 11 kids guys have the enough money, so find time to do nice things together. |
Anonymous
| I also have way more kids than the DCUM norm so no shade on that. What you need is a project for you and DH that isn’t your kids, something you can do together than plays to one or both of your strengths, can furnish a topic of conversation, and just makes you spend time together without kids (or with kids in the vicinity but that’s not ABOUT kids). Recreate the premodern “family as economic unit” phenomenon, with a hobby. Whether that’s a long-running board game or building a garden or cooking your way through Julia Child or renovating a bathroom or starting a blog depends on your personalities and interests, but it’s hard to get a lot out of “quality time” where you just sit around and gaze into each other’s eyes if you don’t have a lot of time to actually engage together on something else. |
Anonymous
| If your DH is using porn, get him to stop. Nothing ruins a relationship like porn. |
Anonymous
This. Go on vacation. Less any kids. |
Anonymous
+1000 You had ELEVEN kids together (and yes, I'm judging you for that) and NOW you don't really feel connected to him? Was this after the 11th kid, or was is somewhere between 7 and 8? 
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Anonymous
| You need a weekend away. Rely on your staff to watch the kids for a weekend. |
Anonymous
| Why so many kids ? Did you think your marriage wouldn’t suffer as a result ? |
Anonymous
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Start with date night twice a week - Tuesday’s and fridays or whatever. Nothing details it, not kids, nothing.
It’s gonna feel awkward at first but use it to try new things together. It doesn’t have to be dinner. |
Anonymous
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I think it depends on the people or marriage; but for us, it would be hard to have the relationship we do today with such young kids.
We have 3 kids and the youngest one started college this fall. The best thing that came out of becoming empty nesters is that I have fallen in love with my DH again. I look forward to seeing him every day. I think he’s actually Cute - in a peppered distinguished sort of way. He acts silly. We communicate better. We text mundane things throughout the day. He watched me do my night face routine and actually asked questions about products I’d been doing for YEARS! He’s funny - on purpose and not. He’s silly. And I’ve changed…I’m less uptight about things that don’t really matter. And honestly I’m a better person and wife now that I can focus on me. Even though our youngest was more independent the past few years, I was still mentally concerned with them daily. Now I check their location less each week. Before, every text, conversation, interaction between DH and me over the past 20 years involved the kids - their health, grades, actions, school, logistics, etc. now we are forced to talk about anything else. Even our money and house related conversations are fewer and lighter. I used to wonder what are we going to do until we get grandkids. After Thanksgiving stress, it can wait! We still young (52/54) and I’m looking forward to the next 30 years. |
Anonymous
| You have 11 kids. What did you expect? And WHY? |
Anonymous
| OP, DCUM is a place where most posters think 4 children is outlandish and over the top. You’re never going to get any real advice here. |