How can DH and I reconnect after 24 years of marriage and a large family.

[Anonymous]

Whenever a couple drifts apart, it's usually because the physicality has faded. The simple answer is to prioritize your looks and give each other something to look at again. Hit the gym together, get a new diet, get a new haircolor, new haircut, get those nails done, wear those heels, etc. Once you become pressure, the passion will come back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They have 4 kids under 10, so I’m baffled by these suggestions for 2x/week date night or vacation away unless OP has a level of wealth I can’t fathom (totally possible).

Older siblings can babysit the younger ones…date night doesn’t need to cost much money.

I am actually from a family of 12 (only had two myself…take that for what it’s worth)…I guess my parents knew that with that many kids that divorce just wasn’t an option and you accept your life almost no matter what unless a spouse was violent (which my parents were not). No time for worrying about “losing connection”.

I was thinking that… but that doesn’t seem fair to them at this stage to me with so many young ones.

I think the best advice to OP is probably “wait 5 years.”

It may not be fair…but that’s how things work in large families like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You put your husband first, right? And he you?

If you made the mistake of putting your kids first, you might not be able to save the marriage.

Precisely this. Good luck though.

[Anonymous]

Are you religious? If so, start there. If not, take a page out of LDS or Catholic marriage programs.

I worked with an LDS guy over 20 years ago and I still remember him telling me in conversation that the marital relationship was the primary family relationship and he and his wife prioritized it.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes NIKE has the best advice here;

Just do it.

[Anonymous]

You’re around 47 right? You can still very much get pregnant so unless you don’t want #12, use protection.

As for the marital relationship, develop your own skills and interests. Read. Do things away from each other with friends. And then get together to talk about all the new interesting things you’ve been doing!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he was involved in raising the kids, maintaining the house and being a good partner and family member. So no big issues. No resentment.

He wasn’t neglectful, verbally abusive, extremely self centered or manipulative for 20-30 years.

Sounds great OP. What’s your actual issue?

[Anonymous]

11 kids!

What did you expect?

We have four (soon to be 5) and it’s hard sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also have way more kids than the DCUM norm so no shade on that. What you need is a project for you and DH that isn’t your kids, something you can do together than plays to one or both of your strengths, can furnish a topic of conversation, and just makes you spend time together without kids (or with kids in the vicinity but that’s not ABOUT kids). Recreate the premodern “family as economic unit” phenomenon, with a hobby. Whether that’s a long-running board game or building a garden or cooking your way through Julia Child or renovating a bathroom or starting a blog depends on your personalities and interests, but it’s hard to get a lot out of “quality time” where you just sit around and gaze into each other’s eyes if you don’t have a lot of time to actually engage together on something else.

+100 All of this.
Works for us (5 kids).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he was involved in raising the kids, maintaining the house and being a good partner and family member. So no big issues. No resentment.

He wasn’t neglectful, verbally abusive, extremely self centered or manipulative for 20-30 years.

Sounds great OP. What’s your actual issue?

They've drifted apart, which seems pretty expected with this number of kids. Their lives have been consumed by being mom and dad and their entire focus has been on their kids. Losing that connection of husband and wife seems pretty normal.

[Anonymous]

I think you're still in the weeds and you're both exhausted. You need to accept that you'll reconnect when your youngest kids are much older than they are. Until then, you should both try to take care of yourselves, but I know that's hard to do. It's not like either of you are going to leave, right? You're in it until the end? So, you've got time, OP. Reconnection is always possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your DH is using porn, get him to stop. Nothing ruins a relationship like porn.

The only people who think this are bitter, fat women who want to use/withhold sex to manipulate their husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you and your husband both work? Can you take time off during the week to meet up for breakfast or lunch?

Now that all the kids are in school, I would try and find time once a week, maybe during the day when the two of you spend an hour just the two of you. You can't really reconnect without time together and not time when you are both exhausted.

Or are the kids responsible enough that you can leave most of them at home and go somewhere on a Saturday morning for breakfast?

There is no way a mom of 11 works outside of the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure how you carve out time and resources for this without negatively impacting your children (money, time with them spent babysitting, time without talking about all the things you need to talk about each day regarding them, etc...). You chose this unusual lifestyle, so to be blunt, this is just kind of what it is.

The only feasible suggestion I have is to devote your last 10 minutes each evening in bed to either discussion about something you both enjoy or sex. Every night, one or the other.

It's kind of like saying "I moved to Alaska 10 years ago and need help being warmer." I mean...it is what it is.

+1000

You had ELEVEN kids together (and yes, I'm judging you for that) and NOW you don't really feel connected to him? Was this after the 11th kid, or was is somewhere between 7 and 8?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you and your husband both work? Can you take time off during the week to meet up for breakfast or lunch?

Now that all the kids are in school, I would try and find time once a week, maybe during the day when the two of you spend an hour just the two of you. You can't really reconnect without time together and not time when you are both exhausted.

Or are the kids responsible enough that you can leave most of them at home and go somewhere on a Saturday morning for breakfast?

There is no way a mom of 11 works outside of the home.

LOL not true at all.

I grew up in a town where Catholics were everywhere every family had 10,11,12,13,14 kids. Every mother in that town worked a shift somewhere whether it was teacher, nurse, waitress, retail etc. This was in the 1960's to late 1970's. Large families were a thing however not all DH's were good providers etc... some women wanted to work, some DH wouldn't give them money so they got their own etc....

While this town has changed in many ways, women hold it up always had always will.