elderly parents horrible behavior

[Anonymous]

Where do you draw the line and decide that the past trauma and potential negative effects on adult child and grandchildren outweigh the societal or cultural expectations to care for the elderly, no matter what?

My father emotionally and sexuallly abused me, my mother neglected me and when she did pay attention, would criticize everything about me. I attempted suicide at age 15.

All I know is that I finally feel okay about my life after deciding to go low contact with them. But it is hard because it's easy to feel guilty, that I owe them something.

When people write that we owe it to our parents to care for them despite bad behavior, because they tolerated us as toddlers and teenagers -- I feel a twinge of guilt but then I remember how horrible my parents were and continue to be.

I agree it would be different if parents were loving when we were growing up, and are now irritable, annoying or mean because they have dementia or medical problems. But that is not all of us and it is not helpful to assert that we should respect and care for our parents despite a lifetime of abuse and neglect inflicted on us.

No need to respond. Every now and then I need to put in writing why I need to go low contact, because there will always be a pull to start helping out, becoming available to my parents-- but it is at such an emotional cost to me that I need to remind myself how the interactions always end.

Those who have never suffered abuse from your parents - you are blessed and hopefully you will never experience this kind of emotional pain.

[Anonymous]

Is this new? Sounds like dementia

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this new? Sounds like dementia

Late 70s means baby boomers, so they've probably been awful for their whole lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remember that you were a jerk when you were a toddler/teen and they loved you anyway.

Really stupid comparison.
You were a kid, remember, and didn't know any better.
They are adults and should know better.

You're trying to justify the unjustifiable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Easy. Don’t visit. Go low contact.

This is not acceptable. We owe it to our parents to help them in their old age.

OP, is this new behavior? Any medical issues/ drugs that could be causing this?

I would not force my spouse to be a part of the visits. I would go myself out of obligation and take one kid at a time; maybe they are overwhelmed by the visits. As soon as the negative talk starts, I would change the subject and refuse to engage. If you spend the entire visit talking about the color the neighbors chose to paint their house, so be it.

You don't owe your parents anything. Especially when they're awful human beings.

And the grandkids certainly have no obligation. I don't know why anyone would want to expose them to such toxicity.

Yes, you do. Even awful human being parents.

Wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Easy. Don’t visit. Go low contact.

This is not acceptable. We owe it to our parents to help them in their old age.

OP, is this new behavior? Any medical issues/ drugs that could be causing this?

I would not force my spouse to be a part of the visits. I would go myself out of obligation and take one kid at a time; maybe they are overwhelmed by the visits. As soon as the negative talk starts, I would change the subject and refuse to engage. If you spend the entire visit talking about the color the neighbors chose to paint their house, so be it.

You don't owe your parents anything. Especially when they're awful human beings.

And the grandkids certainly have no obligation. I don't know why anyone would want to expose them to such toxicity.

Yes, you do. Even awful human being parents.

Wrong.

Awful human beings get to figure things out on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trouble with advice on DCUM is there's always be a small number of posters who suffered trauma, abuse, something so far from a normal childhood. Or they are mentally ill themselves.

This.

[Anonymous]

If they had been otherwise good parents, I would respond to the comments with, "mom, dad, I don't want to engage on this topic. Let's talk about something else." Then repeat each time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Remember that you were a jerk when you were a toddler/teen and they loved you anyway.

Really stupid comparison.
You were a kid, remember, and didn't know any better.
They are adults and should know better.

You're trying to justify the unjustifiable.

One of the wonderful things about being an adult is that I have so much more control over my circumstances and relationships. As a kid, I HAD to put up with my parents, my siblings, teachers, classmates, etc. no matter how they treated me, because I had very limited control over my circumstances, living arrangement, school, etc.

Now that I'm an adult, I don't have to tolerate being mistreated. Nobody gets to talk to me the way that my sister did growing up. I'm sure my parents have their opinions on a lot of things in my life, but MY opinions matter more than theirs now. When I was a kid, it was the opposite.

I love and respect my parents, and they love and respect me, even though we see the world very differently. But they don't get to treat me like shit and expect me to put up with it, just because they're my parents (and they never would!). Nobody gets to talk to me/treat me worse than you would a complete stranger and expect me to tolerate it, just because "we're family." And if you WOULD treat a stranger that badly, then you're an awful person and the natural consequence of that is that nobody wants to be around you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Easy. Don’t visit. Go low contact.

This is not acceptable. We owe it to our parents to help them in their old age.

OP, is this new behavior? Any medical issues/ drugs that could be causing this?

I would not force my spouse to be a part of the visits. I would go myself out of obligation and take one kid at a time; maybe they are overwhelmed by the visits. As soon as the negative talk starts, I would change the subject and refuse to engage. If you spend the entire visit talking about the color the neighbors chose to paint their house, so be it.

You don't owe your parents anything. Especially when they're awful human beings.

And the grandkids certainly have no obligation. I don't know why anyone would want to expose them to such toxicity.

Yes, you do. Even awful human being parents.

No, you do not. Stop this third world nonsense.

Stop the WPP. You guys cannot get along with anyone - not your parents, not your siblings, not your spouse, not your ILs, not your children. Spreading shit wherever you go in the world!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Remember that you were a jerk when you were a toddler/teen and they loved you anyway.

Really stupid comparison.
You were a kid, remember, and didn't know any better.
They are adults and should know better.

You're trying to justify the unjustifiable.

One of the wonderful things about being an adult is that I have so much more control over my circumstances and relationships. As a kid, I HAD to put up with my parents, my siblings, teachers, classmates, etc. no matter how they treated me, because I had very limited control over my circumstances, living arrangement, school, etc.

Now that I'm an adult, I don't have to tolerate being mistreated. Nobody gets to talk to me the way that my sister did growing up. I'm sure my parents have their opinions on a lot of things in my life, but MY opinions matter more than theirs now. When I was a kid, it was the opposite.

I love and respect my parents, and they love and respect me, even though we see the world very differently. But they don't get to treat me like shit and expect me to put up with it, just because they're my parents (and they never would!). Nobody gets to talk to me/treat me worse than you would a complete stranger and expect me to tolerate it, just because "we're family." And if you WOULD treat a stranger that badly, then you're an awful person and the natural consequence of that is that nobody wants to be around you.

You all were born to take revenge from your parents. Entertaining drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Remember that you were a jerk when you were a toddler/teen and they loved you anyway.

Really stupid comparison.
You were a kid, remember, and didn't know any better.
They are adults and should know better.

You're trying to justify the unjustifiable.

One of the wonderful things about being an adult is that I have so much more control over my circumstances and relationships. As a kid, I HAD to put up with my parents, my siblings, teachers, classmates, etc. no matter how they treated me, because I had very limited control over my circumstances, living arrangement, school, etc.

Now that I'm an adult, I don't have to tolerate being mistreated. Nobody gets to talk to me the way that my sister did growing up. I'm sure my parents have their opinions on a lot of things in my life, but MY opinions matter more than theirs now. When I was a kid, it was the opposite.

I love and respect my parents, and they love and respect me, even though we see the world very differently. But they don't get to treat me like shit and expect me to put up with it, just because they're my parents (and they never would!). Nobody gets to talk to me/treat me worse than you would a complete stranger and expect me to tolerate it, just because "we're family." And if you WOULD treat a stranger that badly, then you're an awful person and the natural consequence of that is that nobody wants to be around you.

You all were born to take revenge from your parents. Entertaining drama.

No need to take "revenge." Just don't engage at all. Let them deal with themselves. Problems with the elderly work themselves out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

for more than a few hours

Well, no one is at their best after a few hours. You should not be visiting for more than 90 minutes at a time. A few hours only if you get along real well. You shouldn't be staying with them. You stay at a hotel. Same when they visit you. You manage the time together. You excuse yourself if they are rude.

This. Stay at a hotel. Always have an exit route. If they come to town, meet somewhere neutral. You try all sorts of permutations and give them all sorts of chances so if you have to distance more, you know you exhausted every strategy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Remember that you were a jerk when you were a toddler/teen and they loved you anyway.

Really stupid comparison.
You were a kid, remember, and didn't know any better.
They are adults and should know better.

You're trying to justify the unjustifiable.

One of the wonderful things about being an adult is that I have so much more control over my circumstances and relationships. As a kid, I HAD to put up with my parents, my siblings, teachers, classmates, etc. no matter how they treated me, because I had very limited control over my circumstances, living arrangement, school, etc.

Now that I'm an adult, I don't have to tolerate being mistreated. Nobody gets to talk to me the way that my sister did growing up. I'm sure my parents have their opinions on a lot of things in my life, but MY opinions matter more than theirs now. When I was a kid, it was the opposite.

I love and respect my parents, and they love and respect me, even though we see the world very differently. But they don't get to treat me like shit and expect me to put up with it, just because they're my parents (and they never would!). Nobody gets to talk to me/treat me worse than you would a complete stranger and expect me to tolerate it, just because "we're family." And if you WOULD treat a stranger that badly, then you're an awful person and the natural consequence of that is that nobody wants to be around you.

Very true. I live by these rules as well, which meant that I had to cut off my mother temporarily until she understood that she couldn't be verbally abusive if she wanted to see her grandkids. And to her credit, she learned her lesson.