elderly parents horrible behavior

[Anonymous]

How would you handle this going forward? Your parents, both in their late 70s, act like jerks and say insensitive to outright obnoxious things related to your home, politics, religion, money, etc. Your spouse has had it, doesn't want to spend time with them unless it's necessary (for example, illness, at death's door). You know showing up with your kids and without your spouse will just validate their behavior and convey their crap is acceptable because there you are, visiting them anyway.

How would you handle this? I personally can't stand being around them for more than a few hours. I have a sibling who tolerates them well, very passive and easy going (and they help support her).

[Anonymous]

Easy. Don’t visit. Go low contact.

[Anonymous]

Do you say anything? I would not be able to resist a few comments like "wow, this is a fun visit" or "RUDE" or "are you ok?"...

[Anonymous]

I set boundaries with my parent when he is a jerk or abusive. Then I follow up and enforce those boundaries. “No I will not drive you to your eye exam because last time you insulted me and cursed at me.” It’s direct but it gives them something to think about, abd gives them a choice - they either shape up or ship out.

[Anonymous]

Remember that you were a jerk when you were a toddler/teen and they loved you anyway.

[Anonymous]

I don't see why there's a question here. Just don't visit them. This is a problem that will solve itself soon enough anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Easy. Don’t visit. Go low contact.

This is not acceptable. We owe it to our parents to help them in their old age.

OP, is this new behavior? Any medical issues/ drugs that could be causing this?

I would not force my spouse to be a part of the visits. I would go myself out of obligation and take one kid at a time; maybe they are overwhelmed by the visits. As soon as the negative talk starts, I would change the subject and refuse to engage. If you spend the entire visit talking about the color the neighbors chose to paint their house, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Easy. Don’t visit. Go low contact.

This is not acceptable. We owe it to our parents to help them in their old age.

OP, is this new behavior? Any medical issues/ drugs that could be causing this?

I would not force my spouse to be a part of the visits. I would go myself out of obligation and take one kid at a time; maybe they are overwhelmed by the visits. As soon as the negative talk starts, I would change the subject and refuse to engage. If you spend the entire visit talking about the color the neighbors chose to paint their house, so be it.

You don't owe your parents anything. Especially when they're awful human beings.

And the grandkids certainly have no obligation. I don't know why anyone would want to expose them to such toxicity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Easy. Don’t visit. Go low contact.

This is not acceptable. We owe it to our parents to help them in their old age.

OP, is this new behavior? Any medical issues/ drugs that could be causing this?

I would not force my spouse to be a part of the visits. I would go myself out of obligation and take one kid at a time; maybe they are overwhelmed by the visits. As soon as the negative talk starts, I would change the subject and refuse to engage. If you spend the entire visit talking about the color the neighbors chose to paint their house, so be it.

OP here. It’s not new, just ramped up, especially the judgmental stuff about politics and more vindictive, personal attacks. I’d attribute some of it to a medical issue but honestly, it’s who they have always been (I witnessed a scaled down version of this behavior when I was a kid). It’s just all hanging out now basking in the sun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you say anything? I would not be able to resist a few comments like "wow, this is a fun visit" or "RUDE" or "are you ok?"...

OP again. We’ve gone back at them more and more. My spouse has been polite for a long time now and has had it. What they usually do is act like jerks, retreat when they get slapped back, then declare they’re coming to see “their grandchildren” a month later. I’ve told them we don’t like their behavior, but they play DARVO and then the whole “we’re family” bull. We’re disappearing for Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Easy. Don’t visit. Go low contact.

This is not acceptable. We owe it to our parents to help them in their old age.

OP, is this new behavior? Any medical issues/ drugs that could be causing this?

I would not force my spouse to be a part of the visits. I would go myself out of obligation and take one kid at a time; maybe they are overwhelmed by the visits. As soon as the negative talk starts, I would change the subject and refuse to engage. If you spend the entire visit talking about the color the neighbors chose to paint their house, so be it.

You don't owe your parents anything. Especially when they're awful human beings.

And the grandkids certainly have no obligation. I don't know why anyone would want to expose them to such toxicity.

Yes, you do. Even awful human being parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Easy. Don’t visit. Go low contact.

This is not acceptable. We owe it to our parents to help them in their old age.

OP, is this new behavior? Any medical issues/ drugs that could be causing this?

I would not force my spouse to be a part of the visits. I would go myself out of obligation and take one kid at a time; maybe they are overwhelmed by the visits. As soon as the negative talk starts, I would change the subject and refuse to engage. If you spend the entire visit talking about the color the neighbors chose to paint their house, so be it.

OP here. It’s not new, just ramped up, especially the judgmental stuff about politics and more vindictive, personal attacks. I’d attribute some of it to a medical issue but honestly, it’s who they have always been (I witnessed a scaled down version of this behavior when I was a kid). It’s just all hanging out now basking in the sun.

This is actual typical; people become "more of themselves" - the good and the bad - as they age.

My earlier comment stands. I would not involve my spouse in this. I would take my kids for short visits and leave if things start to get too bad. But I would keep going myself, at least sporadically. Yes, you owe that to them.

[Anonymous]

I distance myself. My parent just called my kid fat to my sibling and forwarded me the email.. I'd give them a free pass if it were dementia but they've been this cruel to me all my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remember that you were a jerk when you were a toddler/teen and they loved you anyway.

This.

Op, please recognize that they are likely raking their fear and anxiety and anger at facing the end of their life out in you.

You can stand up fir yourself, but try to approach with empathy.

[Anonymous]

If they've always been like this, you should have distanced yourself a while ago. This is what I had to do with my mother.

But now my father is very sick and he's extremely grumpy. One of the known symptoms of his illness is actually irritability (not dementia). I give him a pass. If he recovers and he's still like this afterward, I will not give him a pass.