elderly parents horrible behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Easy. Don’t visit. Go low contact.

This is not acceptable. We owe it to our parents to help them in their old age.

OP, is this new behavior? Any medical issues/ drugs that could be causing this?

I would not force my spouse to be a part of the visits. I would go myself out of obligation and take one kid at a time; maybe they are overwhelmed by the visits. As soon as the negative talk starts, I would change the subject and refuse to engage. If you spend the entire visit talking about the color the neighbors chose to paint their house, so be it.

I think this is mostly right. I don't think your parents are badly behaved enough to cut off. It's not like estrangement solves the problem anyway- it's just a different kind of hard (although in some situations it's the less hard option).

Are they local or within driving distance? I would go with 1 or both kids, stay for a few hours, and redirect the conversation per the advice above so they can't dwell on the negative too much. Maybe you can bring lunch over- that will kill some time.

If you have to travel to see them, stay in a hotel.

Estrangement absolutely solves the problem. How would it not? They can't continue to harm your life and your childrens' lives if they're not in it.

It is crazy to me that some of you are suggesting the OP should expose their kids to people like that. Even if you think a child has an obligation to their parents, the grandkids obviously have no obligation to them.

Estrangement can still be painful, but yes it's the answer in some cases.

Cranky parents may be better handled with boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Don't visit them. Zero contact.
That type of behavior is unacceptable You don't have to deal with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Easy. Don’t visit. Go low contact.

This is not acceptable. We owe it to our parents to help them in their old age.

OP, is this new behavior? Any medical issues/ drugs that could be causing this?

I would not force my spouse to be a part of the visits. I would go myself out of obligation and take one kid at a time; maybe they are overwhelmed by the visits. As soon as the negative talk starts, I would change the subject and refuse to engage. If you spend the entire visit talking about the color the neighbors chose to paint their house, so be it.

You don't owe your parents anything. Especially when they're awful human beings.

And the grandkids certainly have no obligation. I don't know why anyone would want to expose them to such toxicity.

Yes, you do. Even awful human being parents.

No, you do not. Stop this third world nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Easy. Don’t visit. Go low contact.

This is not acceptable. We owe it to our parents to help them in their old age.

OP, is this new behavior? Any medical issues/ drugs that could be causing this?

I would not force my spouse to be a part of the visits. I would go myself out of obligation and take one kid at a time; maybe they are overwhelmed by the visits. As soon as the negative talk starts, I would change the subject and refuse to engage. If you spend the entire visit talking about the color the neighbors chose to paint their house, so be it.

You don't owe your parents anything. Especially when they're awful human beings.

And the grandkids certainly have no obligation. I don't know why anyone would want to expose them to such toxicity.

Yes, you do. Even awful human being parents.

Learn to be a better person before your kids cut you off. They don't owe you anything.

Your kids owe you some level of stability/ accommodation in your old age.

Again, no one owes you a damn thing. You don't get to be an ass most of your life because you feel that your offspring is obligated to put up with your nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Trouble with advice on DCUM is there's always be a small number of posters who suffered trauma, abuse, something so far from a normal childhood. Or they are mentally ill themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trouble with advice on DCUM is there's always be a small number of posters who suffered trauma, abuse, something so far from a normal childhood. Or they are mentally ill themselves.

Looking in the mirror perhaps?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trouble with advice on DCUM is there's always be a small number of posters who suffered trauma, abuse, something so far from a normal childhood. Or they are mentally ill themselves.

+1. They have no concept of how to have a relationship with parents. We're talking about the 99% normal among us who yes, owe their parents some level of respect as they age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you handle this going forward? Your parents, both in their late 70s, act like jerks and say insensitive to outright obnoxious things related to your home, politics, religion, money, etc. Your spouse has had it, doesn't want to spend time with them unless it's necessary (for example, illness, at death's door). You know showing up with your kids and without your spouse will just validate their behavior and convey their crap is acceptable because there you are, visiting them anyway.

How would you handle this? I personally can't stand being around them for more than a few hours. I have a sibling who tolerates them well, very passive and easy going (and they help support her).

Is this new or is it the way they have always been?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trouble with advice on DCUM is there's always be a small number of posters who suffered trauma, abuse, something so far from a normal childhood. Or they are mentally ill themselves.

+1. They have no concept of how to have a relationship with parents. We're talking about the 99% normal among us who yes, owe their parents some level of respect as they age.

You are free to think whatever you want. No one is owed respect. It is earned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your kids owe you some level of stability/ accommodation in your old age.

Again, no one owes you a damn thing. You don't get to be an ass most of your life because you feel that your offspring is obligated to put up with your nonsense.

My ILs are from a culture that insists on this and my spouse 100% obliges. My FIL is a real PITA and we are supposed to fawn over him till the end. I am starting to just avoid him as much as possible since I can't change the culture.

[Anonymous]

You don't get respect because you AGED. You get respect if you're a good human being. Perhaps if we'd stop putting up with crappy behavior, we'd see BETTER behavior by these supposedly respectable elders. What you're asking for is ENABLING crappy behavior. You're treated as you treat others. Don't like it -- think about what you've done. Nobody cuts off or reduced contact with pleasant, positive, supportive, kind elders. Nobody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Easy. Don’t visit. Go low contact.

This is not acceptable. We owe it to our parents to help them in their old age.

OP, is this new behavior? Any medical issues/ drugs that could be causing this?

I would not force my spouse to be a part of the visits. I would go myself out of obligation and take one kid at a time; maybe they are overwhelmed by the visits. As soon as the negative talk starts, I would change the subject and refuse to engage. If you spend the entire visit talking about the color the neighbors chose to paint their house, so be it.

I think this is mostly right. I don't think your parents are badly behaved enough to cut off. It's not like estrangement solves the problem anyway- it's just a different kind of hard (although in some situations it's the less hard option).

Are they local or within driving distance? I would go with 1 or both kids, stay for a few hours, and redirect the conversation per the advice above so they can't dwell on the negative too much. Maybe you can bring lunch over- that will kill some time.

If you have to travel to see them, stay in a hotel.

Estrangement absolutely solves the problem. How would it not? They can't continue to harm your life and your childrens' lives if they're not in it.

It is crazy to me that some of you are suggesting the OP should expose their kids to people like that. Even if you think a child has an obligation to their parents, the grandkids obviously have no obligation to them.

Estrangement can still be painful, but yes it's the answer in some cases.

Cranky parents may be better handled with boundaries.

Or preconditions. Tell them they need to become better people if they want to have a relationship with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trouble with advice on DCUM is there's always be a small number of posters who suffered trauma, abuse, something so far from a normal childhood. Or they are mentally ill themselves.

+1. They have no concept of how to have a relationship with parents. We're talking about the 99% normal among us who yes, owe their parents some level of respect as they age.

Even if you think elderly parents, by default, deserve "some level of respect," the OP's parents have chosen to behave in a manner that lost that respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remember that you were a jerk when you were a toddler/teen and they loved you anyway.

They could still be a jerk but are only telling one side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Remember that you were a jerk when you were a toddler/teen and they loved you anyway.

They could still be a jerk but are only telling one side.

Either way, it sounds like we can all agree that it would be for best for everyone to cut off contact. You wouldn't want those lovely Trumpers to have to put up with such an awful person after having such accomplished and respectful lives.